Top 10 Inappropriate Things to Say to Someone with Chronic Pain

I have been doing research and reading on chronic pain as it relates to forest therapy. As I’ve done so I have come to the conclusion that I am not the only one to have struggled in the past with things people say that, while well meaning (in most cases) can come off as offensive to someone struggling to just get through a day.

So in honour of those who need support, not to be treated as a suggestion box, here is my top ten list of inappropriate things to say to a person with chronic pain.

#1 Oh ya I have _______ too.

For me it’s sore muscles. Other people get sore muscles too. I don’t want to take that away from anyone. Pain is pain. But when I’m talking about my muscles not doing what they need to do it is despite all of my effort over years. It is a different story than someone who has a sore back because they slept on it wrong or need to go to the chiropractor. There is an answer for the where and why of their pain. And hopefully a treatment option. If not, you are welcome to join team Don’t Tell Me You Have It Too. For those searching for the right way to converse, think of waking up everyday for the rest of your life in pain. Then enter the conversation with humility and grace instead of comparison and minimizing what we are going through.

#2 You’re too young to be dealing with ______

And yet here we are. So do you not believe me, or…? I agree. I am not the age of someone who should be struggling with physical technical difficulties. And yet this is the body I have and I have taken really good care of it. And it’s letting me down. Please support me by recognizing that it is happening despite the odds and help me find ways to endure and enjoy life.

#3 You don’t look sick.

While that seems like a good thing it can be really difficult to navigate a day while in pain and nobody knows. Picture going to the grocery store with a broken arm but there’s no cast on it. It looks fine. By all appearances one should be able to handle a trip to the store. And yet the pain you are experiencing is almost unbearable at times. I have had to sit in the middle of a store because my back was telling me it was done by tweaking and spasms. I’ve stood in a line up to get my prescription filled and almost thrown up in pain. A more empathic response to someone sharing their pain with you is to be curious. Ask supportive questions instead of making a statement of fact that is hard to handle on a day to day basis.

#4 Have you tried _______?

Yes. The answer is yes. Someone that has struggled with their health for any amount of time has tried that. If there is a reason they are not willing to try ______ it’s time to back off and listen. They know their body. They know their history. They know what a setback from trying a suggestion looks like. For a more enjoyable conversation for us both, let’s keep our suggestions to ourselves unless they are requested. Assume I am doing the very best I can and that I will be guided to what is right for me. The odd suggestion is acceptable as long as there will be no argument over whether I should try it or not. That is my call to make, end of story.

#5 I know someone who had that and they just had to _______ and now they’re better

I am super happy for them. Many autoimmune and nerve issues will affect people extraordinarily different. How it manifests in your distant relative that just had to drink a concoction everyday is not the same way it manifests in me. Nor will it be “fixed” in the same way. My condition is chronic. That means it will still be here tomorrow even if I drink Great Aunt Margaret’s concoction. If you think you know someone with the same thing don’t tell me how they got better and so can I. Listen to my struggle and empathize. Don’t try to manage my disease, that’s my job.

#6 You seemed fine yesterday.

And for that I am paying dearly today. The way my body works is that it will not give me any signals when I need to stop an activity. It will carry on and the next day I will wish I were dead. I am willing to make a sacrifice of paying dearly for the right things. I choose carefully. Time with my grandson. Time spent with friends. Time in nature. I never know what will push me over my limits but if it is for the right reason I am willing to sacrifice. To put aside my health for tomorrow so I can play today is important to me. Instead of questioning my story thank me for the time I am spending with you and appreciate that it might mean I am in bed for the day tomorrow.

#7 Must be nice to stay home and not work

Nope! Big hard nope on that one. Most people with chronic pain have a desire to be out in the world. Working on career or family. I am grateful my family raising is pretty well over. It would be terribly difficult to do this with little kids. I was just starting a career as a piano teacher with enough students to be almost full time when my body started giving out on me. Our lives were going the direction we had been planning and working for all of our married lives. And then it all came to a crashing halt. Plans had to change. Not in the direction we would have chosen. So while I am home and resting I am thinking of all the jobs I would have liked to try. And how much easier it would be to have a two income household instead of one. I feel guilty for the money that goes to my health and wellness. I think most chronic pain sufferers would agree that having the choice to work taken away is not fun in any way. Just avoid this one altogether.

#8 Why are you on so many medications? They are so bad for you!

It has been hell trying to find the correct meds and dosage without side effects that make them not worth it. I am also learning how the stress of being in pain takes its toll on a person physically and mentally. One cannot just grit their teeth and bear it without a cost. Medication is a very personal choice. It is a long and hard road to get what you need. It is hard to be on a controlled substance. I have been questioned about over medicating until the pharmacy realized it was a mistake on their end not mine. It is hard to be on the verge of running out and too tired and in too much pain to make the appointment, go to the appointment, and get the meds. Please don’t question my choice because you have not travelled the road I have travelled. I hope to not need medication someday. But today it is saving me. That means they are bad for you! But not for me.

#9 You’re still dealing with that?

Yes. I have been dealing with it for over a decade. If I get better I will be shouting it from the rooftops and you will know. Until then assume that my chronic condition is still being chronic-y. I have heard our brains want everything to be resolved. We want there to be an answer for everything. For all problems to conclude. But that is seldom the case. Recognize that when you are uncomfortable with me still being “sick”, it is your brain wanting things to resolve. I would like it to resolve even more than you. So being reminded that things are still wrong isn’t helpful. Instead ask me how things are progressing or if there have been any new developments. There are always changes, sometimes positive.

(and speaking of being positive) #10 Inappropriate thing to say to someone with chronic pain: Just stay positive

My life got to a very dark and negative place. If someone had approached me at that time and told me to stay positive I would have slugged them. I know that staying positive has it’s place in healing. Yet there is also healing in the struggle and in feeling all the feelings that come with it. There is a time for feeling hurt at being misunderstood and for feeling too tired to do this anymore. As long as you just visit that neighbourhood and don’t move in. Feel the negative parts. And then return to the light of hope. Hope for good days. Hope for understanding doctors and team members. Hope taking us to joy in this journey.

It can be really hard to be a support person or friend to someone who is struggling with chronic illness/ pain. You likely have your own list of phrases you don’t like to hear. I don’t expect everyone to walk on eggshells when it comes to talking to me. I fully expect to hear these in the future and I will do my best to recognize where you are coming from. But for those who know someone with chronic pain, maybe this will benefit you in some way. And if you are a chronic pain sufferer, maybe this puts into words why some phrases can be hurtful even when they are presented as showing concern.

This is anything but a comprehensive list. What would you add?

While my condition is chronic, the symptoms are suspended and alleviated in the forest. I can search into my body to know what it needs and how to respond to those needs. I can connect to the earth and it’s rich aromas and textures and melodies. I can let go of any of these phrases I may have heard recently because when I am in harmony with nature I feel more in harmony with myself. Head over to my contact page to book a forest therapy walk or if you have any questions for me.

Take care my friends.