Transforming Obligation Exhaustion into Obligation Anticipation

Outside it is warm and blue and April.

-Sylvia Plath, The Journals of Sylvia Plath

Obligation Exhaustion: Is It Just Me?

Are you exhausted by your obligations? Where did this idea come from that our time is being stolen by our obligations? That obligations are the enemy? I just want to sit in my blanket fort and pretend I don’t hurt while I color with my grandson. I have wondered if ignoring all of my obligations was the answer. As someone who suffers from chronic pain, do I ever get to have any freedom or autonomy? I have learned a better solution. Obligation anticipation. What does obligation anticipation look like? And how does forest therapy apply? These are the questions I’ll be tackling today. Beside all this I have a crocus tea party to share. AND a confession from the bedroom! 😳

But First! We are so close to actual, boots on the ground, forest therapy. I would be thrilled to have you join me for a forest therapy walk. Our first group walk will be held on Saturday, May 3rd at 10am. The cost is $25 for 2-3 hours of healing through a connection with nature. All you need is a good pair of shoes. The trail we will take is dry. This walk will be a moderate level. Meaning you should be able to step up and down stairs. And get down into a seated position for a short time. You can expect a short intro to forest therapy at the beginning of our walk. A portion of our walk will be in silence. Other portions will be seated on the ground with socks and shoes off. I will give invitations of beginner-level meditation. If you have any questions and to book your spot, contact me on my How To Get in Touch page. You can fill out the subscribe form and include a message requesting a spot. Or you can email me directly, pam.munkholm@gmail.com. Our first walk will be held at Cranberry Flats, just outside Saskatoon city limits to the south on Lorne Avenue. Payment can be made at the trail head by cash or e-transfer to pam.munkholm@gmail.com. I will post a pin and a reminder on all of my social media on Friday. Check there if you need any help getting to our meeting location and for final confirmation. We will meet at the head of the trail by the parking lot. I hope to see you out there!

Back to obligation exhaustion. Obligations are not the enemy. You can have freedom, not by controlling outside circumstances. (pssst! you can’t control outside circumstances, stop trying, it’s exhausting!) but by doing something within your control. Sound too good to be true? Keep reading.

Autonomy: Your Great Escape Artist?

You have choices and control in your life. So if you are looking for autonomy, you have it. Who scheduled your day? Who decided to go to work, school, driving kids around, or otherwise. You could say, “well, I have to go to work or I will lose my house.” That is you choosing to be autonomous. You are choosing that you want a house and you want to fulfill your financial responsibilities. That is you using your freedom.

Have you ever scheduled your life so tight that you have no room to breathe? That is also you using your freedom. You may say “well, I have kids and they need to get to activities.” That is you using your autonomy to say, my kids are important to me. Their fitness and social development are a priority and I believe sports will help them learn those values. So I am choosing to put time and energy to this.

One way to avoid obligation exhaustion is to recognize that our non-choices are choices too. When we get sucked in to the social norm. This is also our choice. Do not be distracted by non-choices.

When we take this first step to recognize that we have a choice, our day is not less full. But our experience is changed. Obligation exhaustion is not all about what we do and when we do it. But our relationship to what we are doing. This is an inner experience that we have 100% control over. Regardless of the external circumstances.

We think of a life with no deadlines, no obligations, no responsibilities to others as a life of autonomy. But this logic is flawed and will set us up for disappointment, Every time! Bringing us to this breaking point:

We all live and work with others. This means there will always be external constraints. But the good news is that our brain does not discern the difference between external choice and perceived choice. When we believe we are making a choice. Even if that choice is made within constraints. Our brain activates the rewards centers associated with autonomy and motivation.

By contrast, when we perceive we have no choice, it activates the stress response. This in turn impairs cognitive function. And decreases motivation. Think about it, when you are over-scheduled, how do you feel? Awful! This may also stem from a developing sense of victim-hood.

There is an obligation illusion. I expect my chronic comrades are familiar. “I have to…” “I need to…” We feel trapped by our lives. Where is our choice?

Answers in Strategies; Not Just Semantics

It is not word play. Try this.

When you “have to” take care of yourself. When you “need to” follow up with another doctor. You are trapping yourself. Reframe it. When you change the words and the energy to I “get to” take care of myself. So I can support my family when they need me. Or I “am pursuing” a path to better health. The best way to navigate that path is to see the next doctor.

This is the way you can go from entrapped to empowered.

Feeling empowered leads to the brain activating centers associated with motivation, creativity, and resilience. Feeling entrapped leads to feelings of stress, threat, and overwhelm.

A note here to my chronic comrades. Your first job is to ask yourself, should I be doing this thing. Because able bodied people will often ask us, “can you do the thing?” Our response may be: “yes, BUT it will hurt me later/ ruin tomorrow/ trigger a flare/ exhaust me/ make things worse and then I will need to up my dosage/ spend a day in bed/ cancel all other plans”. Able bodied people will hear the ‘yes’: “excellent! so you can do it.” Our first question should be: am I supposed to be here? Once that has been established, carry on to these three steps to go from obligation exhaustion to obligation anticipation.

Our first step towards obligation anticipation is to recognize that we have a choice. Second, reframe how you think and speak about the obligation. Our stories and language matter. Third, recognize the value that you are expressing in your freedom of choice. Is this for my family? For me? Keep using your obligation anticipation muscle and it will get stronger.

Those who have chronic everything can benefit from practicing micro moments of autonomy. Maybe I can’t get outside today. But I can open the curtains and get the sun on my face. Maybe I have to cancel plans with a friend. But I can get my feet in the grass. Find and appreciate the wins.

If you want to learn more about this idea, visit the https://neillwilliams.com/success-genius-podcast. Most of the information I share here is based on her podcast Episode 272: Beyond ‘Have To’: Reclaiming Choice in a World of Commitments

Obligation: An Illness-Inspired Game of Survivor!

When you suffer from chronic pain and illness, what is your obligation? Taking care of yourself has to come first. That means a career and/or school will move to the back burner or come off the stove all together. It’s a hard choice either way. Obligations change in chronic illness.

Is “Back Off” A Socially Acceptable Response?

I struggle to answer the question, so what do you do? Do you have kids at home? Going back to school? Work outside the home? The answer is no. And then what? My latest attempt is something like, “I am taking care of me”. But that sounds like I am listening to a self help course from the 80s.

I think I am getting closer with this response. Yes I do have a job. My job is to take care of myself and try to be my version of healthy. If further explanation is required, That includes getting enough rest. Jumping through hoops to find correct medications and therapies. Getting outside and healing in nature. Or something of the sort. What do you think?

My obligation to myself is to re-wild my heart, my soul, my being. To be at home in nature. To schedule it into my life on a regular basis. As part of this effort I had an impromptu crocus tea party with a dear friend. We checked out Cranberry Flats by Saskatoon. We planned a picnic. The crocuses were a charming surprise.

First the howling blizzard woke us,
Then the rain came down to soak us,
And now before the eye can focus,
CROCUS!
-Lilja Rogers

We both felt drawn to the experience so much. We needed it. And all it was, was sunshine, water, fresh air and our feet in the sand. How can that be so healing? To curb your expectations, I can’t answer that question. But I can claim that it has been and continues to be a healing experience for me.

Spring Fling Lessons

There are always lessons in nature. See what other lessons you can find from spring. This is my list:

• Plant the seeds you want to see grow (obligation frustration or obligation anticipation)
• Even after dark times, there is still life (seasons are cyclical and so is our sense of entrapment and empowerment if we aren’t careful, keep coming back to empowerment)
• Growth does not happen all at once (like the lilies growing in my yard, we all start somewhere and then we keep reaching for understanding, suddenly we see we are taller and more beautiful than before)

• Positive changes can look scary (a thunderstorm can bring fear until you see the blessings that it is bringing)
• We don’t all bloom at the same time (I see people my age flourishing in different arenas, it seems they are fully formed while I’m barely above the ground, but we never see what’s developing in the roots)
• Take time to notice the beauty (I am excited for ‘new green’ as I watch for all the buds to break open)

• Challenges are required for growth (plants need the heat and the water, they can also be scorched or drown, we can face challenges, but should watch our stress levels and adjust before the elements are too much)

Trees, Please! Let’s Get Lost in Forest Therapy!

Here’s a suggestion for a forest bathing exercise I have enjoyed recently. THE STUDY OF CREATURES. Find a comfortable spot in nature and become quiet in your generation of sound and in your energy. In a short time you will be privileged to get a glimpse into another world.

An ant. A bird. A ladybug. A butterfly. Any creature will suffice. As you watch your fine specimen ask yourself questions like this:

1. How does it move?
2. How would you describe it to someone that cannot see?
3. Is it interacting with other creatures? Who and how?
4. What type of behavior is being exhibited?
5. How would you describe it in words to someone that cannot hear?

Grab your nature journal and write down what you are witnessing. Or discuss with a friend what you are noticing to make the experience more memorable and to expand your understanding. We are seeking a certain type of chill. The chill demonstrated by this photo 👇🏼

Managing chronic pain can feel like an obligation. But allowing this type of thinking further entraps the mind and body into a prison of unhappiness. Resulting in losing our chill. How can this be reframed?

Where do you see that your chronic anything has been a blessing in your life? I’ll go first.

Seven Ways Chronic Pain Has Been a Blessing In My Life

1. I am loved with a special love by those who seek to understand my suffering
2. I have learned to appreciate the little things in life
3. I have found a better version of me through my experience
4. I have gained a different perspective on life
5. I have learned sisu- a special form of resilience
6. I have learned to problem solve
7. I have a greater empathy for the suffering of others

Things won’t always be easy to frame this way. But every exercise in doing so will bring you energy.

Embracing the Art of Fumbling Gracefully

As we learn these lessons and grow stronger and better:

Be kind to all the past versions of you. They are the soil in which you now bloom.

-Arielle Estoria

When we have experienced trauma in our life, including chronic pain. putting up walls can feel like we are just trying to keep everyone out. We build boundaries that can make us feel trapped. Alone. But as we go through our own distinct healing, we see that the walls are really beneficial boundaries. And we can show all those willing to work within those boundaries where the door is.

The Little Plant
From The Baby Plant and Its Friends
By Kate L Brown

In the heart of a seed,
Buried deep, so deep,
A dear little plant
Lay fast asleep.

'Wake,' said the sunshine, 
'and creep to the light'
'Wake,' said the voice
Of the raindrops bright.

The little plant heard,
And it rose to see
What the wonderful 
Outside world might be. 

And Finally, A Bedroom Confession 😳

As chronic comrades we need to get out. And then we need to be in. I love the forest. And I love my bed. My confession from my bedroom is that I use my bed for EVERYTHING! It is my office where I write these posts. It is my dining room where I eat most of my meals. It is where I have all my phone calls and zoom meetings. It is where I watch TV and listen to podcasts. The forest and my bed are my comfort zones. Quite literally.

Take care out there and I hope to see those of you in the area this Saturday.