The Humorous Side of Detoxing

Due to personal reasons I will be shining brightly and unapologetically for the foreseeable future.

I think that we know each other well enough now. We’re all friends here, right? I’m going to share a story today. It will be terribly embarrassing for me and (I hope) most entertaining for you.

But first I want to make sure you’re following me on instagram or Facebook. I have been posting my twelve days of Christmas according to a spoonie on there. Let me know if you can relate.

Showers and Detoxing

I was in the shower a while back. I was thinking about how it is one of the most exhausting acts that I go through in a day. And then it hit me. A hot flash.

Then when I was able to breathe and think again, it hit me. A shower induces a detox in me every time.

If you aren’t familiar with detoxing it wouldn’t be a sensation you easily recognize. I try to do at least one detox everyday.

My body produces or takes on more toxins in a day than it naturally releases. This is due to medications, stress and physical traumas. My body can tell when I am behind on detoxing. I will have worse gut issues and brain fog.

I have a list of detoxes and I will daily check in to see which feels best. I will go into more details on those in another post. Suffice it to say that I detox often and I know the signs.

When my body goes into a detox I feel pin pricks all over my skin. It feels clammy and I can’t tell if I am hot or cold. If it is a particularly heavy detox I will get nauseous and feel light headed.

The doctors I work with are not familiar with this process. Imagine their consternation. What should have been a simple process for them ended in this delightful turn of events.

A Cautionary Tale

What follows is a detailed story of my butt. It’s triumphs and defeats. And far too much information.

I had a boil on my butt. I find this happens when I don’t have enough of a binder in my supplements. I can develop a boil as toxins emerge wherever they gather. This was the first and only of the butt variety.

As is always the case, this came at an inopportune time. There really is no good time to have a boil on one’s butt… but this was the worst. I was going on a trek with a group of youth. We would be walking for miles out in the wilderness.

I did not want to be caught out there if things took a turn for the worse.

I went to the doctor to see what we should do in light of the situation. He gave me two options. Ignore it and hope it goes away. But there is a chance of it getting infected. Or if I preferred he would drain it.

Nobody prefers to have such an area dealt with at all. But infection in that area while miles away from all civilization seemed worse. So we prepared for what we all assumed would be a simple procedure.

When the doctor started to drain the fluid my body went into a detox like no other. I started to sweat. Not a lady like sweat. A dripping, slopping, disgusting sweat.

For a moment I thought the doctor got the wrong spot and was actually draining the lifeblood out of me. I have a high pain threshold. But I had to ask him to stop. In a normal situation I would have done anything to get this thing wrapped up in a jiffy. But he acquiesced to my strange plea to prolong this party.

And we all took a beat. The doctor with his needle. The nurse with her gauze. And me with my butt up in the air. Hm, isn’t this intimate.

The sweat was smearing my make up and making my hair stick to my face. The thin paper that they put on the bed was all wet, falling apart and sticking to me. I was slipping around on the table. How did we get here? I wondered. I did not foresee things going so sideways when I signed up.

I weakly motioned for him to continue. As he did… I promptly passed out.

When I came to, the nurse was asking if I needed anything. What an odd question for a woman with her butt up in the air who is only semi conscious. Sure I’ll take a shrimp penne. What’s the soup for today?

But seriously, friend to friend, am I wearing pants? I asked her.

Next question from the nurse, how would you rate your pain? Zero stars. Would not recommend.

The doctor came back in and this is when it occurred to me that this was a detox. And the professionals in the room had no idea what was going on.

We proceeded with the… procedure. My limbs started to seize up. I couldn’t have moved if I’d tried. (To be clear, I wasn’t trying, there was a needle in my butt!)

I had to ask for a bucket at this point. The probability of vomit was now inevitable. But when I went to take the little tray they give you, my hand wouldn’t move. I spewed and the tray helped to ensure it sprayed everywhere, on everyone.

It’s only awkward if we let it be awkward, guys. They just looked at me. Were they trying not to laugh or wondering what I was on?

At this point I was ready to call it. This had been enough humiliation for me and confusion for them for one day.

In Conclusion

What they must have thought of me as I walked out after a half hour nap in their procedure room. My unkempt clothes, hair and face all nasty with sweat and vomit and bits of bed paper. They must have had so many questions.

There’s probably a picture of me up in the back. Do not drain butt boils on this weirdo.

I failed to see the humour in the situation until at least a week later.

And the moral to this story: detoxing is serious business. Make sure you and your practitioner know what you are getting yourselves into! Especially when it comes to butt boils.

Guess what’s really good at helping you release toxins? Forest therapy! See you out on the trail.

She’s battling things her smile will never tell you about.

-Jonny Ox