…Winter will be forced to relent once again, to the new beginnings of soft greens, longer light, and the sweet air of spring.
-Madeleine M Kunin
I realize I just talked about depression in my most recent post. This is the direction of my life. So this is the direction of the post today. I cannot make my brain focus on any other subject.
Do you ever feel like you work really hard and things never get better? The harder you try, the worse things get? Is this known as the vegetable of our labour? (I’ll show myself out 😳)
A Fun Dive into the World of Depression
I don’t have much left in me today. I’m sliding from situational depression into full blown depression.
There doesn’t seem to be any reason to try anymore. No matter what I do things get worse. (All or nothing thinking)
Who do I think I am to be writing a blog that maybe 3 people enjoy? (Imposter syndrome)
I want to turn off my light and slide under the covers and just stay there. Until things get better. (Avoidance)
I see the depression hijacking my mind. I know what I need to do. I’ve been here before.
Unleashing the Fight: Your Guide to the Point
But making that first decision to turn and keep fighting is a battle chronic comrades will understand.
Why keep fighting? What is the point?
Courage is knowing it might hurt, and doing it anyway. Stupidity is the same. And that’s why life is hard.
-Jeremy Goldberg
Chronic pain/ illness/ fatigue, always hurt. Choosing courage to participate in life despite the pain is part of our daily lives. Where does it cross the line into stupidity? Where are my efforts wasted? Depression is part of chronic illness. It will always be there. Why fight?
A Different Take on “The Great Divorce”
C.S. Lewis wrote a book called The Great Divorce. It’s not as famous as his other ones like Chronicles of Narnia, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it today. As I work to find a reason to keep fighting this time.
I like this part of The Great Divorce.
I think it’s towards the end of the book, where there’s a man who doesn’t live a good life. He ends up going to hell and (hold onto your hat) he doesn’t like it there!
From what I understand on the subject I wouldn’t want to live there either.
He says it’s black and white, there’s not a lot of color. Everybody’s pretty ornery and there’s lots of long lines.
Wouldn’t that make you think, I’ll do whatever I need to do to stay outta there! I can handle burning and fire, but long lines and ornery people and no color. Oof!
The man learns you can take a tour of heaven. So he gets on the bus and wants to go see heaven. Well, he gets there and he loves it. There’s no long lines. Everybody’s pretty happy and everything’s in color.
And he thinks, ‘I wish I would have lived a better life. I could stay in heaven. This is where I want to be.’
The bus driver, he says, “Hey, get back on the bus.” I don’t know if he’s from Brooklyn, but in my mind, he has a Brooklyn accent.
He’s saying, “Back on the bus, fella.”
The man doesn’t want to go but he starts walking over to the bus. An angel stops him and tells him, “You don’t have to get back on the bus.”
And the man says, “I do. I was just visiting today.”
And the angel says, “Do you like it here?”
And the man says, “Of course, I like it here. I love it here.”
And the angel says, “You can stay.”
The man cannot believe what he is hearing. The angel promises, “You can stay if you want to.”
He says, “I want to.”
And the angel says, “Okay, good. I’m so glad you want to stay. You can be here. But that,” and he points at his shoulder, and it’s this big, red, ugly lizard. (I can see why the book wasn’t super popular.) And it’s sitting on his shoulder. And the angel says, “You can stay, but that cannot.”
You find out later that this represents this man’s sins. This is where I want to take my own spin on this. I apologize for stepping away from Lewis’ intended interpretation. Which is much better than mine.
But today I feel that I have this ugly red lizard on my shoulder. Today that lizard is looming depression. In this, my own interpretation I do not want anyone to think I am saying depression is a sin. It is not. To me, the Savior weeps with and for those struggling with depression.
I’ll carry on the story, I believe it still has deep implications in my different interpretation.
So the man can go to heaven. But his sins (or in my separate interpretation, his depression,) can’t go with him. I have a choice to live in my depression or to choose the atmosphere represented here by heaven.
That’s why this is called The Great Divorce. He had to choose to divorce from his sins. So he could stay in heaven.
Are you able to divorce from your depressive thoughts and tendencies when things go from bad to worse? Do you seek to live in a heavenly atmosphere?
When I am depressed I feel myself losing the ability to see colour. I become more ornery. Everything I do seems like a long line. When I come out from under its grip, I see colour and joy and an easing of pressure.
Back to our story, this red lizard does not want to let go.
The man says to the lizard (it can talk). He says to the lizard, “I need you to leave me because I want to stay here.”
And the lizard says something like, “I’m not leaving you. Do you know how long I’ve been with you? Do you know how many good times we’ve had together? I am not leaving you.” And it starts to grip him with some claws. And he says, “Ow, ow, ow, don’t, don’t.”
When you confront your depression. Does it seem to dig its claws in deeper? Do things get worse?
In the story, there’s an angel and he sees the man in pain and asks, “Can I help you?”
And he’s like, “Well, I don’t want you to kill it. Let me figure it out on my own.”
So the man says to the lizard, “Listen, I really need you to go.”
And the lizard says, “Nope, I’m not going anywhere.
And the angel takes a step forward. “I can help you.”
There are earthly (and I believe, also heavenly) beings reaching out to you. To comfort and support you. Are there times you don’t want to reach back? Because it makes it feel worse. So much worse!
So when the angel takes a step forward, that lizard digs in and he says, “Don’t let him touch me. He can kill me. Don’t let him touch me.”
The man says to the angel, “Don’t come near me. This hurts, when you are close to me.”
When people who love me best and most reach out to comfort me I recoil. Why is that?
Fighting depression and its effects hurts. It can feel like a lizard digging its claws in. Side note: I know of that which I speak. I’ve had a cat hang off of me with just its claws digging in to my chest. I have the scar to prove it. It is painful and makes it hard to focus on anything when something is clawing at you. All focus goes to the pain.
So the lizard has his claws digging in. Pretty soon, the bus driver starts saying, “Hey pal, you got to get on the bus.”
And he says, “Hold on a minute.”
And the angel is there going, “I can help you.”
And he says, “Hold on.”
And the lizard’s talking to him. “Don’t let him touch me.”
“Hey, pal, get on the bus.”
“I can help you. Let me help you. Don’t you want to stay?”
“I want to stay, but don’t get close.”
“Hey, buddy, you’re getting on the bus, right?”
Do you know this confusion? Where everything is fighting for your attention? And thoughts seem to take on a life of their own?
This man has got to make a decision. And he finally looks at the angel, and he says, “Can you do it? Can you really kill it?”
And he says, “Yes, it will hurt more than anything you’ve ever felt in your entire life.”
And the man says, “Oh no.” (This is all a loose paraphrasing, the book is much better.)
But he doesn’t want to go back to hell. He wants to stay in heaven. And the desire to stay in heaven is now worth the pain.
What will it take for you to decide staying in the atmosphere of heaven is worth it? With colour and nice people and no line ups. Is it worth the pain to reach an atmosphere of love and peace? Is it time to allow others to help?
So the man drops to his knees, and he says, “Do it, kill it.”
And the angel comes over, and the lizard freaks out. And it’s just shredding the man’s shoulder. He’s screaming in pain,
Pause.
This might be where you are today. But it is not the end of your story.
at any given moment you have the power to say: this is not how the story is going to end.
-Emily Dickinson
Unpause.
The angel gets to the lizard and grabs it, and it dies, and he throws it. And it’s far away, and the man looks over, and his shoulder is fine.
The man’s shoulder is healed. He’s trying to grasp what happened, and he looks up, and the angel is the Lord. It’s the Savior. And he says, “Now you can stay.”
And they embrace, and it’s a great story. And then his sins turn into a stallion, and come back, and he rides it into heaven. I don’t quite understand that part. But I love the story of, it’s worth it. It’s worth the pain.
If this is your story. Healing is available. It is worth the fight. It is worth the hope. Healing is not the same as cure. Healing is sometimes lifelong. But in the healing there is a happy life.
I want to re- emphasize that depression is not a sin. My interpretation is that the red lizard represents depression instead of sin.
The Grumpy Red Lizard: My Scaly Shoulder-Mate
I have an angry red lizard on my shoulder today. Its claws dig into the tender spots of my heart. ‘I should be working.’ ‘What do I know?’ ‘Who do I think I am?’ ‘I have nothing to offer the world.’
I am writing with my burnt hand about the nature of fire.
-Ingeborg Bachmann
As I reach out to others their support makes me feel worse. Even if they do everything right. That bad feeling wants to stay. Its grip is deadly.
But there is help. I believe in Jesus Christ. He is my Helper. Who is yours?
Sliding into Serenity: My Forest Therapy Flop
I got out on the icy trails today. It was awful. I literally had to hang off of someone’s fence while my feet did a Riverdance trying to find any footing.
I need to get some forest therapy to loosen the grip of that lizard. To get rid of that angry beast. So my heart and soul can feel peace. The forest does not have to be an actual forest. Any spot of nature will do. The more secluded (but safe), the better. It is not just a walk. It is taking nature in through all your senses as you follow the invitations of the guide. I need that. Do you? How is your brain today?
My brain is spiraling today. I saw this line somewhere: I’m going into a spiral, anybody need anything?
But this is not the end of my story.
I see the choice before me. I choose not to dwell. I choose to turn the tides from depression to joy. It feels impossible but I know it is available. I am not battling uncontrolled chemical imbalances. So Joy is an option. Today and Everyday. My Helper is near.
Backward steps are part of the journey. Pain is part of the healing. Rain is in the storm. But it is not the storm. I live my life in pain. But I am not my pain. I will strive to dance in the rain to this new rhythm I’m choosing. A rhythm of joy that only faintly echoes of pain and despair.
Choose joy with me. Despite the pain. Despite the tears. Despite the loss. We can still choose joy. Peace to you, my chronic comrades.
FOREST THERAPY HELPS!
Dear March, Come in-
How glad I am-
I hoped for you before-
Put down your Hat-
You must have walked-
How out of breath you are.
-Emily Dickinson
SUNBEAM ACRES 