Stellify
means to turn into, or as if into, a star, to place among the stars
I did not crawl through the shards of my own brokenness to live a mediocre life, I’ve prepared for magic.
Chronic Pain Unveiled: Wisdom That Shifted My Mindset
In the midst of chronic pain and disease, the thought that life is magical? Ha! Ludicrous!
During the days of my worst pain, it was difficult to see anything other than myself. Pain makes us turn inward. To see what is wrong and what we should do to alleviate the suffering. In a chronic condition, over and over, those efforts to treat inwards are unsuccessful. From such a position. I did not have a good sense of what I had to offer the world from my bed. I lost track of who I was.
If you think you are too small to be effective, you’ve never been in bed with a mosquito before.
Then I started to read quotes such as the following:
On the days you have only 40% and you give 40%, you gave 100%.
This was big news to me. I thought giving my best meant wearing myself out. physically and mentally. Disregarding any symptoms of unease. Only then could I say I was doing my best.
On your worst days, you have to believe that there is still something beautiful left inside of you.
I thought this was a good concept but I didn’t believe it until I did the work to see it.
experience taught her. hurt raised her. neither defined her.
-adrian michael
Believe there is a great power silently working all things for good. behave yourself and never mind the rest.
-Beatrix Potter
I Am Not Unique and Our Purpose Here
I am one of many who have been witness to miracles in their life. I am also one of many who have witnessed a lot of pain. My hope is to find followers through this blog. Those who will get a boost from what I have to offer. Who are struggling in some way. That is what makes my pain worth the cost. If it can be of some good. My hope is to share what I have experienced so that others won’t feel so alone on their darkest days.
After reading these and other such quotes. I sensed a budding clarity. I started to think maybe there were enough pieces of me left to work with. As I focused my efforts to rest and only move when I needed to exercise. I read and listened to uplifting and motivating books and podcasts. I used my days to take in relevant information. And I learned from the experience of others.
Months turned to years. I was starting to put the pieces back together. One at a time. I still don’t know how they all work together. Often the process is one of trial and error. But I know when something is right for me. When to put in effort knowing I will reap the benefits in time.
A Delicate Dance of Emotions: E-VALUE-ation of Self
Kaiho
A Finnish word meaning “longing” or “nostalgia”, even a “hopeless longing”
At that time, I still longed for the life I had planned. I acknowledged a feeling of kaiho, I knew my planned version of me would never come to existence. I think it was important to have a time of mourning and to admit the loss. But I didn’t want to live in the neighborhood of kaiho. Although I do visit from time to time.
As I came to better understand my chronic pain, I learned to live in this new body. I learned to listen better to my soul. My body and spirit. And less to my mind. I learned that my mind will lie to me. But my body and spirit, if positively aligned, will never lie to me. They will always direct me to my highest good.
I no longer feel like a few mental illnesses stuffed in a trench coat, stumbling around. Trying to portray to the world that I am fine. Those mental illnesses are part of me. They are part of the fire I have been through. A monument to the cost of dark experiences.
I cultivated an understanding of ways that brains work. How they will first ask, ‘Am I safe?’ they will ask, ‘Am I loved?’ when the answer to both of these question is yes, then they can be open to learning and growth. I could see why my growth had been stunted for so many years. I would not have been able to answer yes to both.
The Quirky Cravings of Our Bizarre Species
I studied the needs we inherently have as human beings. I started to meet those demands for myself. Instead of expecting anything from others.
Physical: food, water, air, shelter, sleep, safety, exercise
Connection: we all have a desire for belonging and acceptance from a community (I built a community where I feel heard, seen and loved)
Meaning: to have purpose and to matter, learning, growth, creativity, and consciousness
Autonomy: to be independent, to have the freedom of choice and space
Play: sprinkling in humour and joy, even silliness to the mix
Authenticity: to be able to trust and show a genuine illustration of ourselves
The degree to which a person can grow is directly proportional to the amount of truth they can accept about themselves without running away.
-Leland Val Van De Waal
Harmony: everyone needs a level of peace and tranquility in life, to see order and inspiration
My Ongoing Journey: A Non-Exhaustive List of Lessons Learned
I began to cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Which changed the landscape of my brain. I learned that as I practiced gratitude on a daily basis. The regions of the brain associated with reward and emotional regulation are boosted. Over time the neural pathways I was creating, in gratitude practice were making it easier to focus on positive experiences. Serotonin and dopamine production was boosted. Helping counteract stress and anxiety. Gratitude is described as a natural anti depressant. Helping improve your mental health.
I found my greatest supporters. From a small girl with pigtail braids to the woman I am today. My mom has been a cheerleader. And a friend. One to look at my work and smile in encouragement and love. I feel safe to create because this was her response.
I learned over time that being a kind person didn’t mean I should allow others to walk all over me. I learned a kind person can still:
- have regrets for the way they have done things in the past- do what they can to make up for mistakes and then move forward with hope, brightly and unapologetically
- be in a bad mood and not hide it- I try to be honest and up front especially with family and close friends, I understand now that emotions are linked to a message for me, such as:
- guilt is telling me I have stepped outside my moral values
- shame is telling me I am the problem, not that I have a problem
- joy is telling me this is wonderful, keep it up
- overwhelmed is telling me to step back and take a breath, there is too much going on
- sadness says I lost something
- loneliness says I feel rejected or cast out
- fear says pay attention, there is a threat
- gratefulness says I have what I need
- anger says I feel wronged
- when I recognize and respond to these emotions, the effects contribute to healing, when I ignore them, they expand and fill to the corners of my mind, hindering a growth mindset
- be selective about who they spend their time with- some people drain energy, one can only give so much before reserves are drained
- “Not everyone is gonna think I’m funny and pretty and that’s ok, they’re wrong though.”
- stick up for themselves- including sharing their thoughts with the right people in the right setting to advocate for self, this can be done gently
- set boundaries- setting and changing boundaries is exhausting but it is worth it to make sure the minutes of your day and the units of your energy go to the best outlet
- “I’m training my boundaries to be stronger than my empathy, I’m tired.”
- say no!- saying no will often be in your best interest, be prepared for those that ask more than you can give by having the words prepared ahead of time, ‘I am not in a position to help with that” Here are some ways your body says no, hopefully you are listening
- clenching your jaw
- hunching, making yourself look small
- fingers curling in to make fists
- heart rate increase
- constantly feeling fatigue
- tight body and breath
- knot in the stomach
- lump in the throat
- feeling frozen, incapable of moving
- hard time sharing what is happening
- irritability is a first sign that your nervous system is dysregulated (eat something with protein or fat to stabilize your blood sugar, then take a brisk walk to move back into a regulated state)
- make mistakes or say the wrong thing- you are allowed to be human, don’t hold it against yourself, just admit the mistake, correct any wrongs and move forward
- regret choices they have made in the past- “to be old and wise you must first be young and stupid.”
I am still learning to prioritize myself. And not to feel guilty when I need rest. To block out the world and think about what my body needs to feel better right now. Often I need to step away from something I enjoy. And then I can rejoin when I am ready. Instead of pushing past the point of exhaustion and paying for it for days. Always training my brain to see the positives.
Love and Laughter: The Prescription with an Expiration Date
Health does not always come from medicine. Most of the time it comes from peace of mind, peace in the heart, peace in the soul. It comes from laughter and love.
I would add to that, these aids will not cure a chronic illness but they will heal parts of you. And this will affect the way you interpret pain. The goal is to turn down the dial on the pain.
Pain can be agonizing and constant. In such cases peace is a distant dream. Out of reach. Perhaps for a time. Hold fast. And do not let go.
To those in the thick of pain, I see you. Here is your shout out. To those who are battling unseen and misunderstood illnesses, you are not alone. I see your efforts. To ride that thinnest of all lines. Between wanting to engage in life and overdoing it. I propose there is no way to do this perfectly. But there is a way that will work perfectly for you. You should go do that. Do all the things that are best for you! And remember:
You can only come to the morning through the shadows.
J.R.R. Tolkien
Nature’s Path to Problem-Solving
solvitur ambulando (latin)
“it is solved by walking”
One of my greatest joys this summer has been walking in the forests. Doing so has brought a peace to my life and my nerves that I didn’t know how much I needed. Forest walks are available by going to my How To Get in Touch page. Let me know your availability and I will put something together.
In summary, your best is 100%.. You have something to offer. Silent powers are working for your good. You are amazing. I am not unique but I think I have something to offer. We all have needs. Until they are met, we can get stuck. Keep learning and taking in information. You are not forgotten. With chronic illness and pain. It often seems we live in a different world. But we have the ability to rise from survival to stellify. Directly as a result of what we have survived. And how it has authored our brilliance.
May your daily multivitamin, your pelvic floor, your intuition and your self-appreciation be strong.
Might I suggest that we go outside and chase down a bit of joy?
@wonderled.life
The company on my last walk was as outstanding as the wildflowers. Thanks for joining me!
SUNBEAM ACRES 