life – SUNBEAM ACRES

🍂Forest Therapy: A Refuge from the Battle of the Pill

September 16, 2025 pammunkholm

If I stand on my tip toes I can see autumn from here.

-Unknown

There are nights when pain feels like a forest fire. It consumes everything, licking at nerves, muscles, and bones, until even the smallest ember becomes unbearable. For me, forest therapy has always been a refuge—trees that don’t ask me to explain, the wind that listens without judgment. But no walk in the woods can erase the reality of the deep harm that comes when the medications I rely on are suddenly out of reach.

Biophilia
the ancient memory that li ves in our bones- a quiet longing to belong to the earth, a deep and sacred bond that awakens our senses and nurtures our souls.

Tales from My Trek

Recently, I went to fill my prescription. It’s a narcotic, tightly controlled with a note that says it can only be filled every 30 days. The problem? It was day 29, and I was out. 😳

For some prescriptions, waiting until the next day is an inconvenience. But when you’re on a heavy narcotic at the highest dose, one missed pill isn’t just painful—it’s catastrophic.

That night without medication meant I wasn’t just “in pain.” It meant shaking, twitching, and detoxing against my will. For a medication I’d have to take in the morning!

I’ve missed this pill before. My body, already fragile, spiraled: my nervous system hijacked by fight-or-flight, my hormones in chaos, my temperature regulation broken. I’d overheat, then sweat, then shiver, round and round. All while my pain screamed louder and louder. It is my definition of Hell.

And the damage doesn’t end when the sun rises. One night like this unravels days—sometimes weeks—of careful work to bring my nervous system into alignment. Forest therapy sessions that usually soothe my body’s alarms are erased by the fresh trauma of unmanaged withdrawal.

One pill—just one—becomes the difference between fragile balance and collapse.

The Pharmacy Door 🚪

This wasn’t the first time.

Years ago, when I was short on medication, it was actually the pharmacy’s mistake. A tech who knew me—a kind soul who remembered my name—looked closer. While others repeated, “Sorry, you can’t have more. Come back tomorrow,” he dug into the records and discovered their count was off by the exact number I was missing. He trusted me. He believed my story. He saw me.

This time was different. My tech friend wasn’t there.

When this new tech told me I couldn’t have more until tomorrow, he must have seen the terror in my eyes. Or noticed me standing in shock for 5 minutes. Just standing by the pharmacy. Holding back tears, while physically and mentally spinning in circles. But instead of offering solutions, he shrugged and said, “Come back in the morning.”

Being someone who hates to cause a stir, I went home. But home is where the panic broke through. I sobbed uncontrollably. My body already gearing up for withdrawal.

Then I realized: silence won’t help me survive this.

I called back. I asked about options. The tech said I could talk to the pharmacist. Why wasn’t that offered before? 🤨

When I spoke with the pharmacist, his tone was dismissive, almost mocking: “So what do you want me to do about it?”

I explained again, told him what would happen if I went without. He finally asked if I’d even come pick it up that night IF he were to fill it.

Sir, I thought, I just told you what a night without it would do. Do you think I’d let that happen if I had any choice?

Eventually, he relented and filled it twelve hours early. I picked it up feeling like I should bow at his feet in gratitude. As if he’d granted me a favor rather than spared me a night of needless suffering. I felt the need to thank him repeatedly.

The petty side of me still wants to send him a Get Better Soon card. Not because he’s sick. But because I think he could do better. As a human being. I’d have to send it anonymously because this is not a person I want to be on their bad side.

The Bigger Picture

I know narcotics require tight monitoring. I know the system has to guard against abuse. But what about patients like me—the ones who never asked for this, who were put on these medications by doctors, and who don’t have the option of just going off of them. When there is something physiologically happening that is not right.

If only I could put into understandable words. This is what is happening everywhere in my body. ☝🏼

Why does losing one pill make me look like a drug seeker? Why is my lived record of years not enough to earn trust? Why is the assumption always suspicion?

Do they want me to be all natural? Do they realize it is people like me who keep them in business? I literally pay their bills!

I wouldn’t have to if I could live every day in the forest—if I could soak in the mossy quiet, breathe in the pine air, let the gentle rhythm of birdsong reset my nervous system—perhaps I wouldn’t need the pills.

But my reality is different.

My reality is managing chronic pain in a system that too often treats me like the problem instead of the patient.

🍂 Whispers of the Woods

As I write this, I think of a line from poet Wendell Berry:

“The care of the Earth is our most ancient and most worthy, and after all our most pleasing responsibility. To cherish what remains of it and to foster its renewal is our only hope.”

What if the same was said of patients? To cherish them. To foster their renewal. To see them not as potential criminals but as human beings navigating unbearable pain.

Another lesser-known verse comes to mind from Antonio Machado:

“Between living and dreaming there is a third thing. Guess it.”

For me, that “third thing” is surviving. It’s clawing through nights without medication. It’s cobbling together therapies—like time in the forest—that offer some relief, though never enough.

Compassion: The Heartbeat of Humanity

I don’t have the solution. But I do know this: when we treat patients like addicts instead of people, we add more pain to lives already saturated with it. I believe we can find a way to monitor responsibly while also practicing compassion, dignity, and trust.

So I’m asking you: have you experienced something like this? Have you been caught in the impossible bind between regulations and your own survival? Do you have ideas for how this system could better serve those who truly need it?

Share your thoughts in the comments. Let’s start a conversation. Because one pill shouldn’t have the power to undo everything.

It was a lovely afternoon-such an afternoon as only September can produce when summer has stolen back for one day of dream and glamour.

-L.M. Montgomery

An All-Too-Familiar Tale in Misdiagnosed/ Underdiagnosed Female Chronic Pain: This Is My Story

August 5, 2025 pammunkholm

In today’s post I’ll be sharing more about my joint hypermobility diagnosis journey. Due to brain fog and the length of time this went on, my chronological ability is a tad sketchy. Regardless, the emotions and the pain of my story are real.

I hope you can’t relate to my story. But I’d love to hear from those of you who have also experienced a diagnosis nightmare. Particularly those with hypermobility.

From Spark to Flame

In the spring of 2011 I was tired of the sharp pain in my left armpit. It had been happening on and off for years. I didn’t have the brain power or the time to deal with it. I had three little kids instead.

That year I planned on going back to work as an EA. My kids were school-aged. And I was going to take the EA course that fall. Being on my feet more often without the ability to rest when I needed was a game changer. But not in a good way. Sitting in a chair for 6 hours a day for school was brutal.

The Beginning of a Beautiful, Medically-Invoked, Friendship

I started seeing a physiotherapist. She was heralded as one of the best diagnosticians of joint and muscle pain in town.

I will be forever grateful for the referral that sent my brother to see her after his knee injury. Which led to a referral from my mom that I should see her.

She has been with me from that time. She has saved my life in more ways and more times than I can count. She is my superhero.

From our beginnings, J walked by me through the process of navigating the medical field. With chronic pain. As we became friends and she learned about me and my family, she also became a trusted counselor. As she saw me opening to other forms of therapy, she shared her knowledge of energy therapy. When she learned my kids all have ADHD like their dad. She gave me hope and help on that subject too!

In her role as a physiotherapist, if she’d had the authority to order tests. I believe my diagnosis journey would have been completely different. But that is neither here nor there. Because I did not have access to a comprehensive team of doctors. I was the one running between and trying to pass on messages. I got them mixed up or had incomplete information. The doctors didn’t seem to care what J had to suggest.

So while J kept putting me back together and giving me exercises, the doctors kept telling me I was fine.

Doctors: Just work with a physiotherapist. It’s not a medical issue.

On the other hand, I would sneeze and feel something rip and go cold in my left shoulder blade area. I’d go see J and she’d fix me.

I’d wipe a counter and the same sensation. Back to J. She suggested something deeper was happening. (of course all she can do is find the spots that need fixing and fix them. She can only work with the effects something is having on the joints. She cannot see or fix the joint itself. Only its placement in the body,)

Coldplay Has Got Nothing on my J: She Will Try To Fix Me

I’d fight with doctors to give me an ultrasound. I’d experience deep pain in the exam as they shoved the paddle into my abdomen and groin. Often trying to locate missing organs. They always showed up eventually.

***TEST RESULT NORMAL***

Chiropractors.

***DIAGNOSIS: you’re out in a few spots. *crack*

Me: (walking out the door and looking down to step over the ledge)*crickety crack crack pop*

I’d go back to the doctor. Same procedure every time. They’d want to know where the pain was coming from. (everywhere) They’d ask how the pain felt. (depended on the day) They’d ask what made the pain worse. (being mobile, living my life) They’d want to know what made it better. (laying down, not moving)

“Well Pam, you can’t lay on the couch and expect to get better” (actual comment from an actual doctor that had a quick chat with me over the phone, I thanked him)

Me: Thank you. Good day.

Doctor: There might be something I can do, just don’t get your hopes up.

Me: I said Good Day

(maybe not those words but that was the tone)

This was always hard to hear. I had been running and working out before the pain got unbearable. And then I’d try again. J would ask when the pain started. (the day after I tried to jog. I just lifted 5 lbs a few times and then a few more the next day, etc.) I’d flare. My joints would be less stable. Back to J. She was always so kind and just put me back together.

I wanted nothing more than to run and workout. The doctors would have me move this way and that. Lift this arm. Touch the floor and come back up. Any pain? Now? Now? (nil, the pain would surface the next day though, and it would bring reinforcements.) But the appointment was over and the doctor wasn’t there to see that happening. So it wasn’t in the charts.

I don’t know what my doctors wrote. But due to no further investigation, I am led to believe it was something like the following.

***DIAGNOSIS: Kinesiophobia (fear of movement)/ Agoraphobia (fear of open situations: due to potential for unexpected pain and inability to attend to it)***

Back to J. She would put back all the spots that the doctors had unwittingly subluxed with the tests. J looked at the pattern.

***diagnosis: extreme hyper mobile joints*** but this was not a diagnosis the doctors wrote down or understood

Diary of A Misunderstood Patient: “I Tried to Tell Them”

I don’t blame the medical professionals in the beginning. But as the situation went on and I tried to tell them how this would go.

“I will do the tests. It will not cause me pain now. Because I have extremely mobile joints. And tomorrow due to shifting and stretching those joints outside their comfort zone, they will sublux. The pain is not in that shift. The pain is from the muscles that are left to hold that spot together. Now that the joint is no longer capable of doing its job. That muscle will get more and more sore as it holds and holds anytime I am mobile. It will eventually give out. Another muscle will get involved. And so on down the line. While this is happening this joint will have more stress on it. Initially just the joints around the unstable one. But eventually leading to my main muscles and joints. It will cause great pain.”

Doctor: OK, so you can do the test?

Me: (blink, blink) Yes

Doctor: If I don’t do this test, I can’t diagnose you.

This became the answer from specialists I waited months to see. I couldn’t give up the chance for answers. So I would do the test.

***DIAGNOSIS: NORMAL***

***TEST RESULTS for their specific specialty: NORMAL***

Back to J. She would inquire how things were going as far as tests and treatments from the medical side. I saw pain in her eyes as she saw the misery and agony I was going through. In this process. And physically.

It was draining the life out of me. J was always careful not to complain. She would never say anything unkind or unhelpful with reference to doctors or their way of doing things. It was as though she had been there herself. And was at peace with it.

The Final Act: With Room For Improvement

During my “end-of-the-line-of-specialists” appointment with a rheumatologist I broke down. I sobbed to her. Something was wrong and nobody could find it. Everything was coming back normal. She said it had nothing to do with her specialty. But she would send in a request for an MRI.

I wanted this test to show something so bad. It seemed like such an odd thing to hope for. To be diagnosed.

I had the MRI. I waited to hear back from my family doctor. She said they found a tiny bone spur. In my shoulder blade region. It was creating inflammation in the tissue and everything else in the area. Every. Time. I. Moved.

***DIAGNOSIS: bone spur***

I felt validated. Finally! Someone saw something! My pain was real!

I waited to see a shoulder surgeon. He told me my bone spur was so small they normally wouldn’t operate on it. But I did have a small area for it to fit. So if I wanted they would do surgery. Um yess please. Please fix me.

***TREATMENT: surgery to remove “tiny” bone spur***

I waited more months to hear when the surgery would be. Then I waited months for the actual day.

I should mention that through this time I was also diagnosed with endometriosis and its ensuing pain and surgery. Every couple of years they went in to scrape out the scar tissue. And put my organs back where they were supposed to be. I was having more and more trouble recovering from surgery. The internal inflammation was crazy.

The Road To Being Un-Recovered

After my shoulder surgery I was so relieved to have that nasty scoundrel out of there.

But the recovery from this surgery was particularly difficult. The years of waiting for the next specialist. The next test. The next referral. Had worn down my body. Months of lying down whenever the opportunity presented itself at the end of a workday. The end of putting kids to bed. The end of the cleaning and laundry. It always had to wait. But the lying down instead of working out were creating more tell-tale signs that something was wrong.

After this surgery. My mouth had a pesky sore on it from the breathing tube pressing my lip between it and my teeth. Making it hard to eat anything. The pain of the gas they pump into you, moving up and out, was almost unbearable. It felt as though parts of me were being ripped apart.

The shoulder pain where the surgeon had used a knife and some did some cauterizing was fine. But the neck pain where they had twisted my head to get the right positioning. Had caused several exceptionally painful subluxations there.

I had to wait a certain time before I could see J following the surgery. It was agony. I was propped and pillowed. I used my cold therapy machine for my shoulder on my neck instead. Nothing helped. The strong meds they give following surgery are only prescribed for a certain time. I get it. My inflammation in my mouth (now I understand that was due to thin lining of my lips and mouth). My internal inflammation from the surgery. My unbearable pain in my neck. Were just starting to ramp up.

I called my doctor. She reluctantly, out of the goodness of her heart. Prescribed a few more but that was really all she could do. No more!

***DIAGNOSIS: drug seeker***

I suffered so much during that time.

It took most of a year to see the inflammation go down. About five years until I didn’t notice its effects anymore. So that tiny little bone spur had me struggling to workout for years.

Medicine vs The Patient

I never got to the point where that was fixed and all was well. Because during those years I also had pain and inflammation with my endometriosis. So many medications and therapies were offered that did not support my needs as a hypermobile patient. According to all the specialists, that diagnosis didn’t apply to what they were doing.

Somewhere in the following years my SIL told me about a syndrome she’d heard about on a show. It sounded a lot like what she knew about me. I have had so many suggestions from those who mean well. Making it hard to listen to them all. But this one stuck. Once she mentioned it, I noticed it being talked about in other arenas.

Ehler’s Danlos Syndrome. I did some research and it sounded like a plausible diagnosis. I mentioned it to my doctor and they dismissed it as a diagnosis that you either have or you don’t. There is no treatment. She ran through a few tests and didn’t mention it again.

I had a hysterectomy that fixed some issues but created a host of others. A story for another time.

I switched doctors. Again. A painful but necessary process every time. This doctor wondered why previous doctors hadn’t gone through the Beighton score tests.

We did those. I passed with flying colors in one section. But didn’t quite meet the qualifications in another. So technically I don’t have EDS. But I have hypermobility. Which nobody in the medical world other than J, seems to think is an issue. My doctor has ruled it out. Due to being one check mark shy on a page.

It isn’t his fault. But without that mark I am still just a kinesiophobic, agoraphobic, with unknown causes of depression and anxiety. Quite needy and schedules multiple pointless appointments. Low pain tolerance. Who lays on the couch all day and expects to get better.

From Limitations to Peace

Through the years, I tried to get stronger physically. I couldn’t run. It put the bones in my feet out. When I tried to do functional movement, one joint or another did not like it. Inflammation, subluxation. Back to J.

She would give me gentle movements to keep my functional movement in check.

A slip on ice. Run into by our pig. Dog head to my thigh slam. Another slip on ice. Mowing the lawn putting me into spasm (we lived on an acre and mowed with a push mower). Cleaning a pool. Bending into the fridge the wrong way. Sitting to teach piano. Stand you say? That creates the need to bend over to point at the page. I tried everything. Yet by living my life, my bones would inevitably shift and get stuck.

Where a typical person’s joints would not bend that far. Their connective tissue would hold them together. Protecting them from a subluxation.

In 2020, unrelated to the pandemic that was ramping up, my body was shutting down. The years of pain from living with unchecked torture, had taken their toll.

My nerves were showing more and more signs of wear and tear.

Over the ensuing years, I was seeing less medical specialists and more natural alternatives. I was finding my way to my healing.

More diagnoses from a naturopath. At first I dismissed them but now I feel and see the effects daily. #theydoexist

***DIAGNOSIS: fibromyalgia, myalgic encephalomyelitis chronic fatigue syndrome***

***TREATMENT: rest when you can, listen to your body, supplements, etc***

I saw a holistic health practitioner at the end of 2020 when my mom thought I was going to die. We were living with them on the farm at the time. And she saw what was happening. The strain my body put on me. And that my ability to fight back was waning. She was right. I see it now.

From then on, I listen to those who tune in instead of out when I mention those diagnoses. And healing has followed.

Diagnosis: Indifference to the Unknown

I still have no hypermobile condition diagnosis. I don’t really care anymore. I have found a community in those with EDS and other hypermobile joint conditions. As I listen to my nerves, my body designs a space for mending to transpire.

Treatment: Based Solely on the Needs of The Patient, Me

Energy work and emotional healing has been critical for means of growth.

The forest incorporates it all. Energy work. Emotional healing. Physical effort (not past your limitations). Rest (to the bones, spiritual, emotional, mental). Creating better pathways for focus (through awakening the senses and meditation and creativity).

Perks of Nature: The Phenomenon of Forest Therapy

Plus the benefits we garner solely based on practicing forest therapy. A stronger immune system response. Lowered cortisol (less stress). Improved mood (decreased tension, increasing feelings of vigor). Cardiovascular benefits (decreases blood pressure and reduces heart rate). Sharpened cognitive activity (increased function in the prefrontal cortex). And plenty more.

I have medication for my nerves which keeps most of the buzzing under control. And another for my “mystery” anxiety and depression. I believe there is a place for the medical world. It serves a vast purpose. But it did not serve me when I needed it.

I do not blame any person or hospital. I strongly believe the dilemma starts from a lack of proper education and awareness surrounding chronic pain. And where it is coming from. Not every diagnosis has a box to check yet. When the symptoms and diagnoses are not lining up for anything in the medical books. Listen to the patient.

You’re the Bee’s Knees, Thanks for Being Here!

To those who listened and payed attention and supported. Thank you. To my mom. To J. And to my SIL who saw a show and put more 2’s together than all my doctors combined. Thank you.

To all who read this far. Thank you!

Some of you will find reading a blog enough. But some of you will want to dive deeper. That’s where I come in. I have the desire to share what I have learned. Through the practice of forest therapy. If you’d like to see what forest therapy is all about and why a guided practice can take you deeper. Go to my How To Get in Touch page. And send me a message with your name and contact info. I will be sure to include you in my next forest therapy session.

🎵 Into the unknown! Into the unknown! Into the unkno-o-o-own! 🎵 And I’m okay with that.

Survival to Stellify: Rising From the Ashes to Be Placed Among the Stars

July 22, 2025 pammunkholm

Stellify
means to turn into, or as if into, a star, to place among the stars

I did not crawl through the shards of my own brokenness to live a mediocre life, I’ve prepared for magic.

–Mandy Lauren

Chronic Pain Unveiled: Wisdom That Shifted My Mindset

In the midst of chronic pain and disease, the thought that life is magical? Ha! Ludicrous!

During the days of my worst pain, it was difficult to see anything other than myself. Pain makes us turn inward. To see what is wrong and what we should do to alleviate the suffering. In a chronic condition, over and over, those efforts to treat inwards are unsuccessful. From such a position. I did not have a good sense of what I had to offer the world from my bed. I lost track of who I was.

If you think you are too small to be effective, you’ve never been in bed with a mosquito before.

Then I started to read quotes such as the following:

On the days you have only 40% and you give 40%, you gave 100%.

–Jim Kwik

This was big news to me. I thought giving my best meant wearing myself out. physically and mentally. Disregarding any symptoms of unease. Only then could I say I was doing my best.

On your worst days, you have to believe that there is still something beautiful left inside of you.

–faraway

I thought this was a good concept but I didn’t believe it until I did the work to see it.

experience taught her. hurt raised her. neither defined her.

-adrian michael

Believe there is a great power silently working all things for good. behave yourself and never mind the rest.

-Beatrix Potter

I Am Not Unique and Our Purpose Here

I am one of many who have been witness to miracles in their life. I am also one of many who have witnessed a lot of pain. My hope is to find followers through this blog. Those who will get a boost from what I have to offer. Who are struggling in some way. That is what makes my pain worth the cost. If it can be of some good. My hope is to share what I have experienced so that others won’t feel so alone on their darkest days.

After reading these and other such quotes. I sensed a budding clarity. I started to think maybe there were enough pieces of me left to work with. As I focused my efforts to rest and only move when I needed to exercise. I read and listened to uplifting and motivating books and podcasts. I used my days to take in relevant information. And I learned from the experience of others.

Months turned to years. I was starting to put the pieces back together. One at a time. I still don’t know how they all work together. Often the process is one of trial and error. But I know when something is right for me. When to put in effort knowing I will reap the benefits in time.

A Delicate Dance of Emotions: E-VALUE-ation of Self

Kaiho
A Finnish word meaning “longing” or “nostalgia”, even a “hopeless longing”

At that time, I still longed for the life I had planned. I acknowledged a feeling of kaiho, I knew my planned version of me would never come to existence. I think it was important to have a time of mourning and to admit the loss. But I didn’t want to live in the neighborhood of kaiho. Although I do visit from time to time.

As I came to better understand my chronic pain, I learned to live in this new body. I learned to listen better to my soul. My body and spirit. And less to my mind. I learned that my mind will lie to me. But my body and spirit, if positively aligned, will never lie to me. They will always direct me to my highest good.

I no longer feel like a few mental illnesses stuffed in a trench coat, stumbling around. Trying to portray to the world that I am fine. Those mental illnesses are part of me. They are part of the fire I have been through. A monument to the cost of dark experiences.

I cultivated an understanding of ways that brains work. How they will first ask, ‘Am I safe?’ they will ask, ‘Am I loved?’ when the answer to both of these question is yes, then they can be open to learning and growth. I could see why my growth had been stunted for so many years. I would not have been able to answer yes to both.

The Quirky Cravings of Our Bizarre Species

I studied the needs we inherently have as human beings. I started to meet those demands for myself. Instead of expecting anything from others.

Physical: food, water, air, shelter, sleep, safety, exercise

Connection: we all have a desire for belonging and acceptance from a community (I built a community where I feel heard, seen and loved)

Meaning: to have purpose and to matter, learning, growth, creativity, and consciousness

Autonomy: to be independent, to have the freedom of choice and space

Play: sprinkling in humour and joy, even silliness to the mix

Authenticity: to be able to trust and show a genuine illustration of ourselves

The degree to which a person can grow is directly proportional to the amount of truth they can accept about themselves without running away.

-Leland Val Van De Waal

Harmony: everyone needs a level of peace and tranquility in life, to see order and inspiration

My Ongoing Journey: A Non-Exhaustive List of Lessons Learned

I began to cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Which changed the landscape of my brain. I learned that as I practiced gratitude on a daily basis. The regions of the brain associated with reward and emotional regulation are boosted. Over time the neural pathways I was creating, in gratitude practice were making it easier to focus on positive experiences. Serotonin and dopamine production was boosted. Helping counteract stress and anxiety. Gratitude is described as a natural anti depressant. Helping improve your mental health.

I found my greatest supporters. From a small girl with pigtail braids to the woman I am today. My mom has been a cheerleader. And a friend. One to look at my work and smile in encouragement and love. I feel safe to create because this was her response.

I learned over time that being a kind person didn’t mean I should allow others to walk all over me. I learned a kind person can still:

have regrets for the way they have done things in the past- do what they can to make up for mistakes and then move forward with hope, brightly and unapologetically
be in a bad mood and not hide it- I try to be honest and up front especially with family and close friends, I understand now that emotions are linked to a message for me, such as:
- guilt is telling me I have stepped outside my moral values
- shame is telling me I am the problem, not that I have a problem
- joy is telling me this is wonderful, keep it up
- overwhelmed is telling me to step back and take a breath, there is too much going on
- sadness says I lost something
- loneliness says I feel rejected or cast out
- fear says pay attention, there is a threat
- gratefulness says I have what I need
- anger says I feel wronged
- when I recognize and respond to these emotions, the effects contribute to healing, when I ignore them, they expand and fill to the corners of my mind, hindering a growth mindset
be selective about who they spend their time with- some people drain energy, one can only give so much before reserves are drained
- “Not everyone is gonna think I’m funny and pretty and that’s ok, they’re wrong though.”
stick up for themselves- including sharing their thoughts with the right people in the right setting to advocate for self, this can be done gently
set boundaries- setting and changing boundaries is exhausting but it is worth it to make sure the minutes of your day and the units of your energy go to the best outlet
- “I’m training my boundaries to be stronger than my empathy, I’m tired.”
say no!- saying no will often be in your best interest, be prepared for those that ask more than you can give by having the words prepared ahead of time, ‘I am not in a position to help with that” Here are some ways your body says no, hopefully you are listening
- clenching your jaw
- hunching, making yourself look small
- fingers curling in to make fists
- heart rate increase
- constantly feeling fatigue
- tight body and breath
- knot in the stomach
- lump in the throat
- feeling frozen, incapable of moving
- hard time sharing what is happening
- irritability is a first sign that your nervous system is dysregulated (eat something with protein or fat to stabilize your blood sugar, then take a brisk walk to move back into a regulated state)
make mistakes or say the wrong thing- you are allowed to be human, don’t hold it against yourself, just admit the mistake, correct any wrongs and move forward
regret choices they have made in the past- “to be old and wise you must first be young and stupid.”

I am still learning to prioritize myself. And not to feel guilty when I need rest. To block out the world and think about what my body needs to feel better right now. Often I need to step away from something I enjoy. And then I can rejoin when I am ready. Instead of pushing past the point of exhaustion and paying for it for days. Always training my brain to see the positives.

Love and Laughter: The Prescription with an Expiration Date

Health does not always come from medicine. Most of the time it comes from peace of mind, peace in the heart, peace in the soul. It comes from laughter and love.

–@powerofpositivity

I would add to that, these aids will not cure a chronic illness but they will heal parts of you. And this will affect the way you interpret pain. The goal is to turn down the dial on the pain.

Pain can be agonizing and constant. In such cases peace is a distant dream. Out of reach. Perhaps for a time. Hold fast. And do not let go.

To those in the thick of pain, I see you. Here is your shout out. To those who are battling unseen and misunderstood illnesses, you are not alone. I see your efforts. To ride that thinnest of all lines. Between wanting to engage in life and overdoing it. I propose there is no way to do this perfectly. But there is a way that will work perfectly for you. You should go do that. Do all the things that are best for you! And remember:

You can only come to the morning through the shadows.

J.R.R. Tolkien

Nature’s Path to Problem-Solving

solvitur ambulando (latin)
“it is solved by walking”

One of my greatest joys this summer has been walking in the forests. Doing so has brought a peace to my life and my nerves that I didn’t know how much I needed. Forest walks are available by going to my How To Get in Touch page. Let me know your availability and I will put something together.

In summary, your best is 100%.. You have something to offer. Silent powers are working for your good. You are amazing. I am not unique but I think I have something to offer. We all have needs. Until they are met, we can get stuck. Keep learning and taking in information. You are not forgotten. With chronic illness and pain. It often seems we live in a different world. But we have the ability to rise from survival to stellify. Directly as a result of what we have survived. And how it has authored our brilliance.

May your daily multivitamin, your pelvic floor, your intuition and your self-appreciation be strong.

Might I suggest that we go outside and chase down a bit of joy?

@wonderled.life

The company on my last walk was as outstanding as the wildflowers. Thanks for joining me!

Coping with Chronic Pain: When to Break the Silence

February 18, 2025 pammunkholm

Winter sunlight is a warm old soul, spreading love in the bitter cold.

-Angie Weiland- Crosby

Exulansis

Have you ever heard of the emotion, exulansis? It is the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience. Because people are unable to relate to it.

Can my chronic comrades relate?

I have lived in that space. Until I started this blog. It is a way to talk about my journey. It was lonely to keep it all in. It felt like I was the only one. But I keep hearing of people who are reading the blog and have had similar experiences. We are not alone.

Have you subscribed to the blog yet? Go to the bottom of the page. Hit subscribe. Just fill in your name and email. And you’ll get a weekly email with a link to the newest post. Please share with anyone who would benefit. From the discussion here. Or from a walk in the forest. And watch my social media. (Instagram, Facebook, and X). For upcoming forest therapy walk dates and times as the weather warms up.

Masking the Pain

I try to hide the pain. In social settings I smile and visit and try to be present. When I see photo evidence I recognize I am not as sneaky as I think I am. Why do we do this? Why do we hide chronic pain?

I have some thoughts. But I’d love to hear yours. Comment why you think we hide the pain in chronic illness? Here’s my non- comprehensive list of why I think we hide the pain:

With invisible illness there is a fear of not being heard or taken seriously
Some people choose to be private about what they are going through
When people know, they treat you different
Previous negative experiences when sharing
It is almost impossible to put it all into words and the emotion is close to the surface
Social pressure to be normal- to make others comfortable
Shame and guilt- in all its forms
Avoiding the feeling of being a burden, needing pity or sympathy
Fear of judgment- have you met people? They’re awful!
Denial of the illness and its effects- ‘I can do this on my own’ type of attitude

☝🏼 Can you see yourself in this list? What would you add? ☝🏼

The Health- Privileged

Those privileged enough to know only health do not understand. How could they?These are the ones that will ask if you are better. They are watching only for improvements and progression to a cure. It does not occur to them that your chronic illness does not come with such commodities.

While this can be frustrating. I find it helpful to have a sound bite ready to go for such cases. Instead of staring blankly while your mind searches frantically for where to start. Not everyone needs the whole story. Just a few sentences. ‘My illness is chronic. I have better days and worse days. And for now that is as good as it gets.’

This method is not foolproof. ☹

We can honor our own progress in a way superior to what someone on the outside can provide. From past experience we know how this goes. It might be hard today, easier tomorrow and hard again the next day. I choose to meet myself where I am. Regardless of improvements and progression in the standard way. And that is my route to healing.

The health- privileged will not understand. But as a group of chronic comrades we can provide that understanding for one another. It is said, Health is a crown and only the sick can see it.

Chronic Comrades

I THINK IT'S BRAVE
by Lana Rafaela

i think it's brave that you get up
in the morning even if your soul is very weary
and your bones ache for a rest

i think it's brave that you keep on
living even if you don't know how to 
anymore

i think it's brave that you push
away the waves rolling in everyday
and you decide to fight

i know there are days when you 
feel like giving up but i think it's brave 
that you never do

I am thankful for the few on the outside that want to understand and help. Here are some helpful tips for those of us that live with and love those with chronic illness. Here are some things that seem small but are actually big to those that are suffering:

checking in on us makes us feel loved- even if we can’t hangout, the connection is significant
being heard- having someone hear us and trust our ability to handle it, not take over and offer unsolicited advice
when I say I need to rest and someone rests with me- I don’t need to be motivated, I need to be supported
comfy clothes- they are the only way for my arms to get through a day
going at my pace- whether walking or making a plan, I appreciate being able to move at my own pace
when someone asks how I am and I answer with the standard ‘Fine’ they ask, but how are you really? I feel seen.
meeting people going through something similar- another reason for this blog

You Should Know

It’s important to know that people with chronic illness will have stomach issues, dizziness, nausea, headaches, joint pain, muscle pain, fatigue, and more everyday. These are all essentially invisible. Especially for those who have learned to cope. My grandma knew how to cope. I hope I can emulate her example. Remember you never know who is in pain just by looking.

Coping vs Shutting Down

Is this is the main reason to hide the pain? Is it a coping mechanism? We cannot moan in pain all day long. Learning to listen to your body and ignore the pain is a skill. What are the right coping mechanisms in chronic illness?

Dr Gabor Mate said, When you shut down emotion, you’re also affecting your immune system, your nervous system. So the repression of emotion, which is a survival strategy then becomes a source of physiological illness later on.

Is this also true in a way for shutting down pain centers? What is the difference between coping and shutting down? To me, coping is a way through the pain. Through the darkness to the other side. Shutting down is staying stuck in the discomfort with no plans to get out. This is where I found despair. When we grin and bear it instead of answering the call for what our bodies need, what does it cost? Does it take a bad situation and make it worse?

Maybe you have had a similar experience to mine this week. A new symptom appeared. Instantly, I have so many questions. Is this a symptom I will have as my new baseline? Is it just a flare? How will this affect everything else? Can I handle this?

I’m sick not ugly, thank you very much!

Hiding Below the Surface

We often fill our day until it is overflowing. I believe that this is true especially for women with chronic illness. Then everyone wonders why this Mom is such a mess. At least that’s what happens at my house. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Like a water balloon that can only handle so much weight before it tears. Ask yourself, what was in that balloon that it could not handle one more drop of water? What is already happening under the surface that is filling your balloon to bursting over an insignificant event? Here are some possibilities:

Emotional dysregulation. We all have emotions. Do you know how to handle the negative ones? If not, they can sit and fester like a wound. Chronic illness comes with its share of negative emotions. Constantly filling our cup up to and over the brim if we don’t learn how to process them. In a healthy way.

Lack of understanding, empathy and compassion. We all crave being understood and cared for. In chronic illness there is an added bonus of feeling misunderstood in the medical world. Finding that understanding somewhere is vital and replenishing.

Mental exhaustion. It is not just physical fatigue we deal with. Trying to figure out what to make for supper when the mental exhaustion has set in is awful. Like trying to thread a chicken through the eye of a needle. Mental exhaustion is not something that can be ignored. It is in your face.

Self deprecating thoughts about how you should be able to do more. No matter what we do as moms and women, we want to do more. Exponentially so in chronic illness. We think we should be able to do what we used to do. We wish we could be ourselves again. We think we should have the ability to push through. Just like the rest of the general population.

I was sick yesterday. Having a minor cold or infection is a big deal in chronic illness. It causes a flare in my other symptoms. My body aches were quite enough before this bug. The fatigue that comes and stays with any upset in the baseline is debilitating. What little time or energy I had is sapped out of me. And recovery is not quick. It is a long and slow process.

Add to the list: anxiety, frustration trying to find the words to communicate, sensory issues, and hormones.

Once overstimulation hits, I know I have already passed the point of no return. Overstimulation is not being able to focus. Everything feels overwhelming. I can’t remember or process anything. Everything is irritating.

From Overstimulation to Emotionally Regulated

Then what? What can you do to move through this situation and come out with minimal effect? How do we cope and not shut down?

Please congratulate me on my new position. It is the fetal position. I will be in it for a while.

-@kristen_arnett

The first step is to remember that you are not selfish if you need to remove yourself from the overstimulating situation. You are allowed to care for yourself. You are allowed to opt out of overwhelming environments. Getting adequate rest is not an indulgence but a necessity. Crying is one way the body regulates itself. Go ahead and cry. It is not weak. Forgive yourself for any reactions. You have limits and that is okay. Learn to listen to them. Honor them.

Unlocking Your Full Potential

You are meant to thrive. Not just survive. My veins are filled with stories of survival. Surviving looks like flight, shutdown, protection, fighting, impulsivity, mistrust, rigidity, critical of others, anxious, anger, defensive, collapsing, freezing, fear, submitting, shame, despair.

While thriving includes regulation, connection, resilience, prosperity, goodness, passion, love, contentment, expansion, well being, ease, play, rest, repair, joy, trust, growth, stillness, presence, and health in all its forms.

Shout out to all those making their life with chronic illness a life of thriving. You don’t let anyone see your darkest moments. Nobody knows the effort. I know how hard it is to transform yourself. Silently battling and winning. Be proud of every little step you are making. Keep going! You’ve got this!

I find it easier to thrive when I am with the right people. They are the ones that help me to feel sunshine when I am around them.

Forest Therapy has been my way of coping. It is healthy and beneficial in so many ways. This is not a hike, this is deliberate invitations that lead to learning and healing. Join me in the forest when the ice has melted. We can get on the trails in and around Saskatoon for some much needed forest therapy. My body does not winter well. I am anxiously awaiting. Spring! Dates and times TBD. Watch my social media to see when and where. If you have any questions reach out to me.

Tell me, when was the last time you ran through a field just to feel the freedom of creating your own wind.

-Author Unknown