Tag: mental-health

Regaining Control

pammunkholm

Like most people I like to be in control. Have you ever felt completely out of control of your life? I have that feeling far less these days. Do you want to know what changed? It’s decidedly not because my life got easier. My life is actually a whole mess of mayhem. If you see yourself in this description and want to learn how to uphold control despite the daily dumpster fire, read on.

I was compelled to quit my life a few years ago. It had been overloaded for too long and my body and brain decided to quit their day job. They had had enough of this nonsense. If I wasn’t going to take care of them, they weren’t going to take care of me.

People say they can’t slow down or everything will fall apart. Especially as the mom. You are the hub of the family. Everyone comes to you for everything. To find the things. To remember the things. To carry the things. To get them and their things to the places. To talk things out. To orchestrate the things that need to happen. If you weren’t there, what would happen to all the things? It would be a disaster. Right? Of course right!

I had that feeling of impending doom when it was decided and my mom came to pick me up and take me to her house. I had suffered a serious breakdown. I learned something that felt like it was going to leave a permanent gash in my life, I kept picturing shards of glass ripping through me as I realized all the ways it would require me to adjust my life plans. It seemed as though it was leaving a hole not just in my life but in me. I had felt the pressure getting to be too much and this bit of information was the final straw.

Brent was working out of town so he couldn’t take care of me. My boys were old enough to take care of themselves but not to take care of their mother too. I started bawling as my mom and I were leaving my house. I didn’t want to leave my life. My heart was breaking as we were leaving my boys. So we brought Riley along as tribute. I was so tired. I was so overwhelmed. I was a 40 yr old going to her mom’s house to be taken care of. And my family and life would fall apart while I was away. And I just had to go. I had to let go and let it all fall apart.

Would you trust them? Just kidding, I love them and all of their crazy.

And oh boy, did it ever fall apart. My only son left in high school started failing classes. Handedly. I had teachers reaching out to me that I had to ignore. The thought of answering an email filled me with dread. The thought of trying to figure out or take care of anything was debilitating. Panic inducing. Add to that, not only was I not in my home to care for it, but there were three young adult/teenage boys living there. Molly maids they are not. The animals weren’t getting the care they needed. The yard looked like nobody had lived there in years with overgrown patches of yard the boys weren’t getting to mowing. I’d go home every two weeks when Brent was home. So I’d step back into my life and see how poorly it was doing without me. We would try to catch up and then head back out the door. For half a year we lived that way.

This sounds like a lot of complaining and it was really hard but that’s not why I’m bringing it to this audience. The reason I bring it here is to say that while you stop to take care of yourself, some things will suffer. That may be true and that has to be ok. Because if you keep not taking care of yourself, I am your cautionary tale. Life may come to a catastrophic juncture where stopping to care for yourself will be the only viable option. If you think you can’t stop moving or you will drop everything, you are carrying too much. Let some things go or do them differently to give yourself space to breathe. You need to be able to breathe. And everyone and everything will adjust. It may fall apart but it will come back together better than you can now picture in your weighed down state.

Maybe you don’t need to make a change as drastic as I did. Maybe you are not in crisis mode. In that case, recognize your needs and if there is no room in your life to fill those needs, make a change. Let go of something that might initially feel too important. But consider yourself. And make room for you!

Do you have your own thing? I’d love to see in your comments what your thing is. What brings you calm and helps you feel like you can step back into your life a stronger person when you’ve had time to do this thing? If you don’t have a thing, find one. We each need something that brings the stress level down and returns us back to who we are. I find I need to see friends often. I need to get out of my house and talk to someone else and laugh and complain and eat yummy food and then I can go home and enjoy spending time with my family again. I need my daily and weekly spiritual and physical strengthening practices. I am finding new uses of my time and energy that I wouldn’t even have considered, had I not been forced to make that mid- course correction.

Photo by Carlos Rubio Tristan on Pexels.com

One of those new ways to use my time that I have found to be of greatest benefit, of course, is forest therapy. I need time to ground and be still and immerse myself in nature and what she has to offer. Plus this hits some of my physical and spiritual practices for the day as well. Bonus.

If your new thing could be joining me in forest therapy, head over to my contact page to book a walk with me to learn how to take it all in. It can be your thing and it can move you to healing. In whatever way you need it. We all need some type of healing even if we don’t see it when we begin.

These days I am making an effort to slow down and recognize when a transition is happening in life. I try not fight it. I don’t stand in the way of change. I try to recognize the shifts that are naturally occurring and then decide what I will do moving forward based on the new information. I try not to stay too long in the this-isn’t-fair lane. That lane never moves forward and stays backed up for miles. Best to merge out of that lane asap.

I’m learning that there can be good in every change. Even the changes that hurt the most. That day was so painful for me. But in hindsight it was vital. It reminds me of the time I cut myself in the webbing between my index finger and thumb. I went to get stitches. After a week, the wound wasn’t healing. It was such a hard place to keep clean and dry while I had a mountain of toddlers and laundry. I kept hoping it would get better but I wasn’t doing anything to fix it. I just kept covering it up and ignoring the pain. But that wound just needed to dry out. I had to rip the band aid off and stop 👏 doing👏 the dishes 👏 and let the painful healing process take place. The process of healing in myself and my family after my breakdown required of me a different way forward than I’d expected to take. I needed to step away. I needed to uncover the wound and let it breathe. And in the process my boys learned great things. For one, a true appreciation for all that I do in just being around.

My life looks a lot different than I thought it would this many years later. But it’s pretty awesome. Some things I could not picture any better. Some things I’d still like to see improve. But overall I feel more in control now than I did when I thought I had it all under control and actually it just hadn’t fallen apart yet.

If you see yourself in this post, take care of yourself sweet friend.

The Unhealthy State of Women’s Health

pammunkholm

From where I stand, I see a lack of research, understanding and basic human compassion when it comes to women’s health issues in our current system.

My first experience where I can look back and see that lack in my life was when my oldest son was under a year old. It was the middle of the night and he and my husband were asleep. I was on the floor of the bathroom trying to figure out why I was in so much abdominal pain. Something felt seriously wrong. I had never had this type of pain, let alone something that would put me on the floor in the fetal position. I called my mom and she suggested going in to get checked. I woke up my husband and he grudgingly woke up our son and we all got in the car.

We sat in the ER for way too long and eventually I got into a bed. They did a quick history, took some blood, listened to my guts and declared:

I had gas.

Are you kidding me? Gas is what felt like it was killing me slowly? I felt so foolish for putting my husband and son through an overnight party that nobody wanted to attend. For gas. I didn’t go to the doctor much after that. Unless I knew what it was and how they would be able to treat it. I suffered through a lot due to the embarrassment of that experience.

But it wasn’t just gas. Now I know I was developing severe endometriosis and likely due to the hormone changes of pregnancy and nursing, my symptoms were exacerbated. But nobody can see or diagnose that. So they say it’s gas because then there is an answer. An easy answer that ends their responsibility to care for me. I probably did have gas. But around organs so inflamed I never wanted anything to touch my belly for years after. I thought that was normal. It’s just gas!

After years of working around the issue I finally made the call to have a hysterectomy to end the pain and other issues the endometriosis had caused by having so much scar tissue and thick linings after years of neglect.

Now I am the owner of a body that cannot regulate its temperature. So that’s fun. After my hysterectomy I knew I could not take hormone replacement therapy. When I used it in the past it loosened my muscles. This is a bit of an issue with my body since my ligaments don’t work unless they want to. Muscles are what hold me together. When I take HRT I become the bendiest of noodles.

When I told the doctors I couldn’t take the hormone replacement medication, they literally laughed at me and said, ‘yes I would’. They guaranteed I’d be back for it.

They knew what I was in for and I was clueless. But I did not sense compassion. There was no seeking out another way for me due to my circumstances. There was just a sense of, you have no idea what you are in for, haha. Menopause has always seemed something to keep under wraps but also to laugh at the ridiculous nature of those sufferings its effects. It would have been encouraging to see a doctor offer a direction, instead of only relying on their basic training and rolling their eyes at my arrogance at denying their prescription.

I was in for temperatures rising so much in the first days that I honestly thought my butt was on fire when I sat on our leather couch. For those blessed not to have experienced such things, a hot flash is not something to look forward to. I thought it might be seeing as I’d been cold since the age of 12. I was wrong. I’m still cold. And then I’m so hot I have to take off layers and sit down and I sweat. Then I cool off and I’m soaked. These days it’s not so bad but in the early days, I’d have to stop everything and lean on something and breathe through it like a contraction. But there’s no baby at the end so that’s always disappointing. I couldn’t sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. Again like having a newborn but I did not smile down in love at my lack of uterus to counter the side effects as you would a baby. This went on following my recovery from surgery and for the entire next year. To say this had an affect on my health is an understatement. I still sweat like the guy in red on Star Trek. Thankfully, other symptoms are not as extreme.

I hope in years to come, more resources will go to women’s health issues since we are half of the population. An important half if I do say so myself. And as we knew all along, and as it has been recently confirmed, we are actually equal to our male counterparts. Make some space, Fellas!

Until such a time as all systems and doctrines catch up to that truth, my suggestion for this week is to build your team. I saw doctors for years before I’d get fed up with them and then take more years before I’d get the energy up to start finding a new one.

Now I make sure that I am getting my time’s worth out of a doctor. Some are worth my time and energy and some are not. But this is not the end of my team. I have a counsellor, a marriage counsellor, an energy massage therapist, a physiotherapist, a reiki therapist, a holistic health professional, a functional medicine doctor and an integrative medicine doctor. I am always keeping my eyes and soul open to other options. Although, I am finding the more I am in the forest, the less I need each of these professionals.

Whatever your pain. Whatever your limitations. You are worth someone taking the time to show compassion and slow down their day enough to think about you in your doctor office time. There are such doctors out there. I went to a walk- in clinic and while prescribing my routine medication I had inadvertently run out of over Christmas break, this extremely busy minor emerg doctor stopped what he was doing to ask if I had any joint pain and if that’s why I was taking this particular med. A conversation ensued which ended with him sincerely saying he wished me well and hoped I’d find some answers. He would be on my team if I needed a family doc.

Keep going. Keep sharing your story. Find peace in the forest and answers will emerge.

If you are interested in joining me for a forest therapy walk, head over to my contact page to book in.

Take care out there, my sweet friends!

Maiden Forest Therapy Walk

pammunkholm

While I have spent a lot of time in the forest and learning about forest therapy and the healing available there, I had not as of yet experienced my own personal, forest walk. I chose a day and made it happen. I have to tell you, I experienced a peace and tranquility that I do not find in many places in my life these days. There’s really something to this! Walking in nature is great. Join me to experience a forest therapy walk that takes it to the 10x level. Head over to my contact page to book a walk with me.

Walking in a forest has many benefits. I don’t suspect it’s any coincidence that while I am spending more time outdoors and learning of the benefits, my health is finally improving. I’ve been able to tackle this beast of a bump in the road of my life. I have been trying since May of 2011 to find out what was wrong, then to fix it, then to manage it. In reality, I was in pain long before that date. I see nature is starting to do it’s work.

For years I have not been able to build and maintain muscle. It would start to build and then I would have a setback. A fall. A jolt. Getting overconfident and trying to go for a walk in boots instead of shoes (the difference in weight would drag my foot bones out). Minor incidents would set me back months. And every time the frustration around the whole situation would build.

I did not stop to take care of myself. This is my piece of advice for this week. When you are sick or hurting, it is your body telling you to stop or rest. Listen to your body. Regardless of what others are telling you. I cannot stress enough how important it is to take time to reassess what really matters. I suspect if you looked at it, you’d agree your health should be closer to the top of your list of priorities.

This cannot be proven in a court of law but this is my truth for what has happened to me. My body had a condition that made functioning in life extremely painful on a daily and hourly basis. Hyper mobile joints joined by endometriosis. I lived a seemingly normal life while managing the pain. Managing by ignoring until bedtime and then taking a daily prescribed dose of pain medication to knock myself out. I didn’t think I could stop and take care of me. I had kids to raise! Supper to make! Laundry to ignore!

I kept going until there was a period in my life that was very high stress. Constantly. This set off a jack in the box effect of nerve problems. Now I twitch. I spasm. I shake. My body is subpar at best when it comes to keeping a reasonable temperature for more than a few minutes at a time. Absurd and erratic symptoms. And it is not something I have figured out how to stuff back in that so- called box. And I keep seeing this in others. An underlying condition that is difficult to manage while living life. And yet they do. Stressful situation that triggers an emotional reaction. And nerve pain and silly symptoms ensue. Worst jack in the box ever!

So what do we do about it? There are not many answers. Meditation. Medication. Sleep enough. Eat well. There is value in adjusting your life to meet the needs of your condition. These are great for overall health for everyone. But what about when the need is immediate and great? What about when your friend with stage 4 metastasized cancer is in so much pain that nothing is helping, no medication can mend that. Or when your body feels like it’s falling apart but the doctors say you are fine, there’s only so much meditation can do. What about when you feel you have no support and you are running on empty?

Forest therapy. Join me in remembering my first walk.

I took along my trusty sidekick. This is Odin. No the perspective of this picture is not off, he really is that big. He is not impressed that we are stopping in the middle of a perfectly good walk to take pictures.

I found the sun. It’s been hiding. I look forward to sharing the changes of the seasons through pictures and words. On this particular day it was so still. It was just Odin and I on this beautiful trail. I could hear a few birds chirping. There was one spot on the trail where the creaking of a tree that was on its way down and braced by other trees was really loud but I never would have noticed that before. The air had a chill but it was perfect as we warmed up on our walk. I enjoyed breathing in deeply. Drawing in what winter has been keeping safe until its time. The cold air felt good on my lungs. I could hear Odin breathing. He is the heaviest breather of all time. I didn’t mind. It fit the surroundings. Better here than in my kitchen.

I followed this butt all the way around the trail. I looked at the different tracks in the snow and pictured the wildlife that was close by and peering at me from their hiding places. I tried to identify the different types of trees and shrubs.

Behold the beauty of my elephant skin hands. I’ve come to embrace it. They look like my Grandma’s hands. I came upon a bench just off the trail. I sat down for some time to feel and just be. This tree was by the bench. It seemed like a good tree. While I can’t yet put my toes directly on the ground at this time of year, holding a tree can provide the same benefits of grounding.

Such a happy guy. Hard to get a picture with all his messy kisses. He’s a nincompoop but we love him. Petting a dog while they are grounded also gives you the benefits of grounding. Holy moly. Does anyone have a breath mint for this guy? Did something die in there?!?! Cheese and crackers!

This is just a glimpse into what I experienced on my maiden forest walk. Even looking back at the pictures brings the uplifting feeling back. I strongly encourage you, if you are able, to get outside and watch the changes of nature as we progress into spring! And if you have a hard time making it happen on your own or you want some company, head over to my contact page to book a forest therapy walk today.

The price is right for the first two weeks. Free! Spots are limited so book today.

Take care out there, my sweet friends.