Tag: wellness

Coping with Chronic Pain: When to Break the Silence

pammunkholm

Winter sunlight is a warm old soul, spreading love in the bitter cold.

-Angie Weiland- Crosby

Exulansis

Have you ever heard of the emotion, exulansis? It is the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience. Because people are unable to relate to it.

Can my chronic comrades relate?

I have lived in that space. Until I started this blog. It is a way to talk about my journey. It was lonely to keep it all in. It felt like I was the only one. But I keep hearing of people who are reading the blog and have had similar experiences. We are not alone.

Have you subscribed to the blog yet? Go to the bottom of the page. Hit subscribe. Just fill in your name and email. And you’ll get a weekly email with a link to the newest post. Please share with anyone who would benefit. From the discussion here. Or from a walk in the forest. And watch my social media. (Instagram, Facebook, and X). For upcoming forest therapy walk dates and times as the weather warms up.

Masking the Pain

I try to hide the pain. In social settings I smile and visit and try to be present. When I see photo evidence I recognize I am not as sneaky as I think I am. Why do we do this? Why do we hide chronic pain?

I have some thoughts. But I’d love to hear yours. Comment why you think we hide the pain in chronic illness? Here’s my non- comprehensive list of why I think we hide the pain:

  1. With invisible illness there is a fear of not being heard or taken seriously
  2. Some people choose to be private about what they are going through
  3. When people know, they treat you different
  4. Previous negative experiences when sharing
  5. It is almost impossible to put it all into words and the emotion is close to the surface
  6. Social pressure to be normal- to make others comfortable
  7. Shame and guilt- in all its forms
  8. Avoiding the feeling of being a burden, needing pity or sympathy
  9. Fear of judgment- have you met people? They’re awful!
  10. Denial of the illness and its effects- ‘I can do this on my own’ type of attitude

☝🏼 Can you see yourself in this list? What would you add? ☝🏼

The Health- Privileged

Those privileged enough to know only health do not understand. How could they?These are the ones that will ask if you are better. They are watching only for improvements and progression to a cure. It does not occur to them that your chronic illness does not come with such commodities.

While this can be frustrating. I find it helpful to have a sound bite ready to go for such cases. Instead of staring blankly while your mind searches frantically for where to start. Not everyone needs the whole story. Just a few sentences. ‘My illness is chronic. I have better days and worse days. And for now that is as good as it gets.’

This method is not foolproof. ☹

We can honor our own progress in a way superior to what someone on the outside can provide. From past experience we know how this goes. It might be hard today, easier tomorrow and hard again the next day. I choose to meet myself where I am. Regardless of improvements and progression in the standard way. And that is my route to healing.

The health- privileged will not understand. But as a group of chronic comrades we can provide that understanding for one another. It is said, Health is a crown and only the sick can see it.

Chronic Comrades

I THINK IT'S BRAVE
by Lana Rafaela

i think it's brave that you get up
in the morning even if your soul is very weary
and your bones ache for a rest

i think it's brave that you keep on
living even if you don't know how to 
anymore

i think it's brave that you push
away the waves rolling in everyday
and you decide to fight

i know there are days when you 
feel like giving up but i think it's brave 
that you never do

I am thankful for the few on the outside that want to understand and help. Here are some helpful tips for those of us that live with and love those with chronic illness. Here are some things that seem small but are actually big to those that are suffering:

  1. checking in on us makes us feel loved- even if we can’t hangout, the connection is significant
  2. being heard- having someone hear us and trust our ability to handle it, not take over and offer unsolicited advice
  3. when I say I need to rest and someone rests with me- I don’t need to be motivated, I need to be supported
  4. comfy clothes- they are the only way for my arms to get through a day
  5. going at my pace- whether walking or making a plan, I appreciate being able to move at my own pace
  6. when someone asks how I am and I answer with the standard ‘Fine’ they ask, but how are you really? I feel seen.
  7. meeting people going through something similar- another reason for this blog

You Should Know

It’s important to know that people with chronic illness will have stomach issues, dizziness, nausea, headaches, joint pain, muscle pain, fatigue, and more everyday. These are all essentially invisible. Especially for those who have learned to cope. My grandma knew how to cope. I hope I can emulate her example. Remember you never know who is in pain just by looking.

Coping vs Shutting Down

Is this is the main reason to hide the pain? Is it a coping mechanism? We cannot moan in pain all day long. Learning to listen to your body and ignore the pain is a skill. What are the right coping mechanisms in chronic illness?

Dr Gabor Mate said, When you shut down emotion, you’re also affecting your immune system, your nervous system. So the repression of emotion, which is a survival strategy then becomes a source of physiological illness later on.

Is this also true in a way for shutting down pain centers? What is the difference between coping and shutting down? To me, coping is a way through the pain. Through the darkness to the other side. Shutting down is staying stuck in the discomfort with no plans to get out. This is where I found despair. When we grin and bear it instead of answering the call for what our bodies need, what does it cost? Does it take a bad situation and make it worse?

Maybe you have had a similar experience to mine this week. A new symptom appeared. Instantly, I have so many questions. Is this a symptom I will have as my new baseline? Is it just a flare? How will this affect everything else? Can I handle this?

I’m sick not ugly, thank you very much!

Hiding Below the Surface

We often fill our day until it is overflowing. I believe that this is true especially for women with chronic illness. Then everyone wonders why this Mom is such a mess. At least that’s what happens at my house. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Like a water balloon that can only handle so much weight before it tears. Ask yourself, what was in that balloon that it could not handle one more drop of water? What is already happening under the surface that is filling your balloon to bursting over an insignificant event? Here are some possibilities:

Emotional dysregulation. We all have emotions. Do you know how to handle the negative ones? If not, they can sit and fester like a wound. Chronic illness comes with its share of negative emotions. Constantly filling our cup up to and over the brim if we don’t learn how to process them. In a healthy way.

Lack of understanding, empathy and compassion. We all crave being understood and cared for. In chronic illness there is an added bonus of feeling misunderstood in the medical world. Finding that understanding somewhere is vital and replenishing.

Mental exhaustion. It is not just physical fatigue we deal with. Trying to figure out what to make for supper when the mental exhaustion has set in is awful. Like trying to thread a chicken through the eye of a needle. Mental exhaustion is not something that can be ignored. It is in your face.

Self deprecating thoughts about how you should be able to do more. No matter what we do as moms and women, we want to do more. Exponentially so in chronic illness. We think we should be able to do what we used to do. We wish we could be ourselves again. We think we should have the ability to push through. Just like the rest of the general population.

I was sick yesterday. Having a minor cold or infection is a big deal in chronic illness. It causes a flare in my other symptoms. My body aches were quite enough before this bug. The fatigue that comes and stays with any upset in the baseline is debilitating. What little time or energy I had is sapped out of me. And recovery is not quick. It is a long and slow process.

Add to the list: anxiety, frustration trying to find the words to communicate, sensory issues, and hormones.

Once overstimulation hits, I know I have already passed the point of no return. Overstimulation is not being able to focus. Everything feels overwhelming. I can’t remember or process anything. Everything is irritating.

From Overstimulation to Emotionally Regulated

Then what? What can you do to move through this situation and come out with minimal effect? How do we cope and not shut down?

Please congratulate me on my new position. It is the fetal position. I will be in it for a while.

-@kristen_arnett

The first step is to remember that you are not selfish if you need to remove yourself from the overstimulating situation. You are allowed to care for yourself. You are allowed to opt out of overwhelming environments. Getting adequate rest is not an indulgence but a necessity. Crying is one way the body regulates itself. Go ahead and cry. It is not weak. Forgive yourself for any reactions. You have limits and that is okay. Learn to listen to them. Honor them.

Unlocking Your Full Potential

You are meant to thrive. Not just survive. My veins are filled with stories of survival. Surviving looks like flight, shutdown, protection, fighting, impulsivity, mistrust, rigidity, critical of others, anxious, anger, defensive, collapsing, freezing, fear, submitting, shame, despair.

While thriving includes regulation, connection, resilience, prosperity, goodness, passion, love, contentment, expansion, well being, ease, play, rest, repair, joy, trust, growth, stillness, presence, and health in all its forms.

Shout out to all those making their life with chronic illness a life of thriving. You don’t let anyone see your darkest moments. Nobody knows the effort. I know how hard it is to transform yourself. Silently battling and winning. Be proud of every little step you are making. Keep going! You’ve got this!

I find it easier to thrive when I am with the right people. They are the ones that help me to feel sunshine when I am around them.

Forest Therapy has been my way of coping. It is healthy and beneficial in so many ways. This is not a hike, this is deliberate invitations that lead to learning and healing. Join me in the forest when the ice has melted. We can get on the trails in and around Saskatoon for some much needed forest therapy. My body does not winter well. I am anxiously awaiting. Spring! Dates and times TBD. Watch my social media to see when and where. If you have any questions reach out to me.

Tell me, when was the last time you ran through a field just to feel the freedom of creating your own wind.

-Author Unknown

Explaining and Embracing Life with Hyper Mobility Issues in My Tissues

pammunkholm

And a softness came from the starlight and filled me to the bone.

-W B Yeats

I yearn for this type of softness. Nature provides the way. Even if nature and I are not currently on the best of terms.

Gluggaveour (Icelandic)- (n.) “window- weather”; a weather that looks so nice and picturesque through the window, until you’re actually outside in it; a weather best enjoyed only behind the window. (If that doesn’t describe Saskatoon these days, I don’t know what does)

I. Am. Cold. My body does not like to be cold for several reasons. One of them being my hyper mobility issues. My bones are on a subluxation mission this week. Making my muscles work overtime to hold me together. When I go outside and my muscles tighten up in response to the cold, there isn’t much left to tighten. It feels like I am full of rubber bands that will snap at any time. Today I will be sharing more information on hyper mobility issues. And what to do about it, here on the 124th of February and when spring arrives!

Is there nothing to sing about today? Then borrow a song from tomorrow; sing of what is yet to be. Is this world dreary? Then think of the next.

-Charles H Spurgeon

Forest Therapy Helps

First take a moment to think of one person you could share this blog with. Someone with chronic issues. When we tell our stories, we don’t feel as alone. It is a chance to lift others. If you know someone who will benefit from the camaraderie. Take a moment to hit the share button and send this post or my landing page (sunbeamacres.ca) to them. Make sure you are subscribed. To keep up on all things forest therapy in the spring. Find me on instagram, facebook and X! Tell the others.

Reality vs TV Dramas

My chronic comrades, am I the only one who sees the irony of medical dramas? Maybe there are such hospitals. And maybe there are such doctors. But I have not run across the ones who pause their lives for hours. I’m confident they don’t sit in their office thinking only of me. They don’t throw a ball in a repetitive manner while trying to solve the complex issue of my body. They haven’t run all the tests and stopped at nothing to provide me with answers. Until suddenly, they have the answer (after their hour of regularly scheduled programming obviously). I have not experienced this. Have you?

More like, “After minimal deliberation, we’re pretty sure you are faking it.” First of all, how dare you, sir.

Chronic

Recently I was asked what the doctors are going to do. Because it seems like I am not getting better. I didn’t have the words in the moment. But chronic is chronic. And not every condition has a name. And they definitely don’t all have solutions.

If someone is unable to find solutions to their chronic condition, it is surely not for lack of trying. Hope in chronic illness does not mean hoping for answers. Or miraculous recovery. Or even hope of regaining a certain level of functioning. Those are out of our hands. Even if we are doing all the “right” things. Hope with chronic illness involves trusting your ability to manage whatever your condition throws at you. You will be capable of handling it. And your life can still be full of joy. It is worth living!

Hyper mobility/ Ehlers- Danlos Syndrome

If you missed my last post about my hyper mobility syndrome, I have an undiagnosed connective tissue disorder. Akin to Ehlers- Danlos Syndrome (EDS). I share many of the same symptoms.

This is a fitting description of my symptoms. Resulting in chronic pain.

Having hyper mobility, Ehlers- Danlos ish Syndrome is like if you ordered your structural collagen from Wish. Skin from Shein. Organs from Temu. It looks like it should function. Just not quite up to par.

Describing Chronic Pain

Chronic pain is part and parcel of what I have. If I were to describe that pain. It’s like leg day at the gym was yesterday. Everyday. All the time. Forever. And it’s not just my legs. I have that pain everywhere. Some other people describe what it’s like to live with hyper mobility/ EDS.

It feels like I’m 80. But I’m only 40. – Kimberly A Bates

It feels like having the flu. All the time. -Linnie Lin

I’m slowly disintegrating into particles. – Sarah- Marie Zeraphic- McFarlane

I feel like a marionette and someone else is in charge of the way I move. – Nicole Hess

It’s like riding a bicycle with very loose bolts. – Melissa Drennan

EDS is living the day after a car accident in perpetuity. – Sabrina Winchester

You cannot trust your body to do what it is supposed to. – Emma Stathopoulos

The hair on my skin hurts. – Mary Carlson

I feel like I am falling apart at the seams. – Lisa Sinnott

EDS is feeling insane for years because people tell you there is nothing physically wrong with you, when you know there is. – Sarah Elizabeth Erwin Bloom

The cruelest symptom of our disease is disbelief by medical personnel. – Mary Carlson

It’s like falling down the up escalator indefinitely while bystanders speculate about how you got there, what your injuries might be, and if you really even look hurt. – Jess Elsen

Hormone Changes

One negative aspect of my hyper mobility is the hormone changes that come with being female. Progesterone is known to increase subluxations. Especially leading up to the week of menstruation. Joints loosen and pain tightens muscles. A tragic combination.

During pregnancy there are other hormones present that loosen joints further. Creating a need for the muscles to work overtime. Then add to that the trauma of pregnancy. And giving birth. Looking back I can see why my body gave up on me in my 30s. My 20s were super hard on it. How many of you could say the same?

I miscarrried a baby in 2013. While the loss broke parts of me, the physical strain would have been too much at that time. We had 16 weeks together and I would have gone all the way if it had been up to me. But it wasn’t. I was blessed to have all 3 of my boys in my early 20s. When my body was up to the challenge.

I wanted that one more baby so, so bad. For so, so long. The loss was devastating. Following a short time, I was advised to get a hysterectomy. To solve a large part of the hormone cycle- subluxation cycle- pain cycle. It was all getting to be too hard on me. The idea of letting go of my little caboose to fill out our family, was heartbreaking. I still miss that precious one. But the physical damage was increasing in severity. Spreading to my nerves. So I made the heartbreaking decision to have a hysterectomy. That’s all I’m ready to share on the matter at this time.

We are often told if something doesn’t kill you it will only make you stronger. I agree. But some days I don’t want to be any stronger.

The Chronic Cycle

There are other parts of hyper mobility that can be draining. For me, it is a never ending cycle of going to physiotherapy and having everything put back in place. I leave feeling so much better. One wrong move. Or too much exercise. Or sleeping the wrong way. Or a slip on the ice. Then it’s waiting for physio. Get put back in place. Everything feels good. One wrong move. And we begin again. This cycle is painful in so many ways.

The pain of this is so real to me.

I am very flexible. But in hyper mobility that is a bad thing. It has been said only the cognitive and emotional flexibility we develop is truly a good thing. Through having to navigate a medical system that doesn’t understand and therefore is unable to help us manage our condition.

Brain Fog

Let’s talk about how our thoughts feel as though they are swimming in molasses. Or swirling in a cloud of cotton candy. Like the Lord poured in my brains with a teaspoon and somebody jostled His arm (Apple Dumpling Gang). When the brain is not braining. The struggle is so real.

Or teaching a lesson to a bunch of ladies at church. I often fake it until I remember or change the subject. How many of my friends can tell?😳😊

Brain fog affects more of us than just those with chronic illness. Between stress and medication and toxins. Many of us are suffering some level of brain fog. I forget what I am doing every time I get distracted. I forget what I am saying every time another thought comes along. I forget where I am driving on a regular basis. I cannot access parts of my brain that used to work. I used to be an avid speller. I got people’s names right. I remembered long passwords made up of random letters and numbers. I kept my family on track and on time. Those parts of my brain have fled or have taken refuge somewhere. I d0 not have access to them.

Brain fog is not just forgetfulness, confusion or feeling out of it. I often feel isolated from my reality. And parts of my personality. I feel detached. Like an outside observer. There are days when the effects of my brain fog are debilitating. And extremely frustrating. Until I can let that go. Which is sometimes easy. Wait! What was I talking about?

These symptoms are minimal to those that have not experienced them. I’ve been asked how my symptoms interfere with my daily activities. **Blank stare**. My symptoms ARE my daily activities. My life is planned around them. And I often half function in a hurried state when trying to get something accomplished. I see the amount of stuff to be done. And the number of spoons. The math doesn’t math. I feel similar to what a sloth must feel being chased by a cheetah. There was never a chance.

Hard Pills to Swallow

In addition, there are pills that come with hyper mobility, other than the actual pills. That are hard to take. These are the pills I find hard to swallow that come with any chronic condition:

  1. Giving up a career- I loved teaching piano. It was so hard to say good bye to my students. Packing up my piano supplies has been even harder. After five years I have started to pick away. But the grief surfaces and I set it aside again.
  2. Losing or changing relationships- I have amazing friends. Some that have lasted for years and changing lives. Other people have slipped away. They took more energy than I had or the other person couldn’t handle a different me. Chronic illness has changed me. The process has eroded me to my most essential parts. That means the way some relationships look is different now. Not the way I would have planned.
  3. Accepting the term chronic- It has taken time to come to terms with the fact that this condition is chronic. There is no cure. There is a lot I can do to manage it. But it will always be a part of me. I will always have pain. And then the pill of others not understanding. If they are not familiar with chronic, they might have a hard time accepting the limits of the medical world.
  4. Accepting physical limitations- I like to be strong. I used to do the P90X workouts. I had muscles I previously did not know existed. Now I need to bring my husband with me to pick up a chair. I need to sit often. My brain does not function as it should. I need reminders for everything. And then there are still times where something important falls through the cracks. And I need to acknowledge and accept. Then work within my capacity.
  5. Great desires to do what I used to do- I am so happy I can run. For years I just wanted to run again. And now I can! There are other movements or actions I am working towards. But I need to curb my expectations. Some days I get on the treadmill and I am so fast! Like a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a truck. Seven days ago.

Are there pills you find hard to swallow with chronic illness?

Puddle of Exhaustion

Which brings me to my next point. All of this is mentally and physically exhausting. The hyper mobility and resulting pain is tiring. The cycle of subluxations is tiring. Brain fog is tiring. We are just tired. I always feel like I’m about four days past my bedtime.

So many moments of my day, I wish there was a rope available to hang over. I have no more strength to hold my upper body and those muscles greatly desire to let go. So if you see me looking like the people in the picture, rope or no, now you know why. I’m just hung over. (I haven’t been pickled in decades)

One More

Proprioception. I have none. And from that point it gets worse as I get more tired. Actually, I can tell where I am in a space. But navigating within that space gets less easy as I get more tired. When I have subluxations, I am essentially crooked. So unless I am paying attention I walk crooked. I run into walls. I walk into people. I take a step and end up on the exact thing I was trying to avoid.

There is so much more to EDS and hyper mobility.

This post is getting too long and there is more about my EDS/ hyper mobility. So I will revisit this condition in the future. I hope this information is useful and that you can relate to parts, if not the whole condition. We all have parts that need healing.

Before we go I want to share some ways to handle any chronic issues.

Number one on the list as always is:

FOREST THERAPY!

Join me in the spring to see what forest therapy looks like. It is not just walking around in the forest. It is mindful and focused work. And then you will see the healing begin. I still struggle and suffer at times. But the forest brings me back to life. Back to joy.

If you have any questions feel free to email me on my How To Get in Touch page. I’d love to hear from you. Remember to subscribe and share with anyone you think could use a little forest therapy.

Once There Was a Snowman

Until that time. To help us navigate these terribly cold and icy days. Take some advice from this cute little snowman.

  1. Be a jolly, happy soul
  2. Spend time outdoors (unless it is even too cold for the snowmen)
  3. Stay COOL
  4. It’s okay to be bottom heavy
  5. Stay in the environment and energy that will help you avoid meltdowns
  6. Be well rounded
  7. Make others happy
  8. Remember life is short

You are strong, chronic comrade. You are not alone and you can do this. And if you feel broken…

Oh but the irony is, broken people are not fragile.

-Clinton Sammy Jr

Investing in Your Soul: A Guide to Personal Growth

pammunkholm

I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently? And then it covers them up snug, you know, with a white quilt; and perhaps it says, “Go to sleep, darlings, till the summer comes again.”

-Lewis Carroll

Have you heard the term ‘soul investment’? I am determined to make this a year that I invest in my soul. For me that includes times for what matters to me. Here is my short list. Play. Rest. Meeting my own unmet needs. Being authentic. Self care. This is my non- comprehensive list of criteria that I will prioritize to invest in my soul. As you read the post today, think about what your list is. To invest in your soul.

First, I want to take a moment to welcome all those who have recently subscribed. If you know someone who would benefit from my writings, please share this post with them. And invite them to connect with me on Facebook, X &/or Instagram.

Chronic anything is exhausting. My chronic comrades understand this. A thought occurred to me this week. It is also exhausting feeling obliged to constantly make lemonade out of the lemons life has brought to us. While the premise has its merits, when one has to make lemonade indefinitely, the exercise starts to feel futile. As chronic comrades we can set time aside to invest in our soul. This is my solution to keep the sugar supply coming for that constant demand on lemonade.

Are you tired of all the New Year’s resolution talk? It’s February already people! I’m somewhat embarrassed by a few of my goals. People traveled across mountains in wagons and I have ‘drink water’ on my to do list. What if instead of goals or resolutions, we talk about it in terms of investments in our soul. Know what you want and go for it.

👇🏼 This is my new dream! 👇🏼

Soul Investments

Soul investment is a term I heard recently. Souls have need to be invested in. Do you know what your soul needs? What if you thought of it as an investment? We are all either growing or dying. Do you agree? There is no standing still. If you are investing in yourself you are growing.

But we cannot simply sit and stare at our wounds forever.

-Haruki Murakami

Where do you want to experience growth? Physical strength or stamina? Mental strength and stability? Are you going to grow with the flow or be caught up by it and yanked around? Will you stand around looking for someone to lower the difficulty setting on your life? Or will you start making your own adjustments that will take you where you want to go?

When we speak of investing, it is more often in terms of finances. I know nothing about financial investing. But if I understand the basics. We take what we have. We place it in the hands of those that can make it grow. (Or we take time to learn for ourselves.) Hoping this practice will give us greater resources and opportunities for the future.

What if you applied that to your soul? Take what you have. Time, energy, resources. Allocate some of that to a space where it can grow. If you choose your allocations wisely, you will indeed have greater resources and opportunities in the future.

My short list of soul investing includes play, rest, meeting my own unmet needs, choosing authenticity, and taking time for self care. Here’s how that looks in my life as I strive to prioritize soul investments.

Play

I had to work to figure out what types of play I enjoy. I had to remember how to play. I was led in one book to think back to about the time I was between age 6 and 8. Before the influences of others changed my perception. What did I enjoy doing?

It took time but I remembered, I looove the swingset on a playground. If I can get a turn without pushing young children out of my way. It is a happy place for me. I love the motion and freedom. This is what I did as a young child. This is where I developed a friendship that started in elementary school. She continues to be a dear friend to this day 💗. On the swing is where I spent a most heart wrenching evening last spring. And on the swing is where I played and laughed with friends just a couple of summers ago.

What gets you into that reminiscent mood? Where did you spend your childhood days? Jump rope? Biking? Is there an element of play that you can re introduce into your life? Can you bake it into your routine? This way, it becomes something you automatically and joyfully do, rather than just another task. Maybe it’s dancing!

Grandchildren seem to be fabulous play partners. I highly recommend them. I enjoy recalling my own youth and days of raising my boys. As I watch the unfolding comedic dramas of my grand kids.

Rest

Rest is an act of faith. Sometimes I have to talk myself into resting. I remind myself that I know my body and what it needs. It is right and good that I should focus on rest and recovery at times. That is my job at this time.

I’m learning the importance of our circadian rhythms. Here is a brief overview. If it is of interest to you, I suggest you do some further research on the subject. For most of us, brief is best.

Our best chance for a deep, healing sleep is between the hours of 10pm and 2am. I have no problem being in bed by 8 or 9. But I struggle to set a time to turn off screens. I find it difficult to discipline myself and choose a standard time to fall into sleep.

My understanding is that around 5am there is an amount of cortisol released to start the waking process. Towards 7am blood pressure rises. Melatonin secretion stops. By 10am we are at our most alert state. By 2pm our coordination is at its most optimal. 3:30pm is when we display our best reaction time. 5pm is when our cardio and muscular strength peak. 6pm is when our blood pressure is at its highest. 9pm our melatonin secretion starts up again.

Working with this structure will give us the greatest chance for success. These hours and how they look for each of us will be different. I suggest working with the outline will feel like the least uphill battle. Here are some suggestions of what to do during those hours to get the most out of them.

  • 5am watch a sunrise or stretch
  • 7am breakfast, intention setting, walk
  • 10am focused work, output, this is when we have the best clarity and concentration
  • 12-2pm lunch, relax, nap, recover
  • 2pm study, research, learn, then get outside
  • 5-7pm share a meal, socialize
  • 8pm night ritual, reading, idea creation, journaling, meditation
  • 10pm sleep

Meeting My Unmet Needs

This is a big one. As an adult we still have needs. The same way a child has needs. They look different at different ages. We can go back and heal these parts of ourselves.

Disclaimer: The following should only be attempted while you are at a good baseline emotionally. I am not a trained therapist. This is an introduction only.

Inner child healing work. This is how it can look. I sit in a quiet spot where I will not be distracted. I picture a scene from my past that still comes to mind and bothers me. I see myself at whatever age I was when it occurred. I feel that little girl’s feelings. And then I take control of the situation. As my adult self. I talk to my young self. I soothe her emotions. I give her the information and the tools to come out of that upsetting time. I stand close and offer her my hand so she can follow me out. We don’t have to stay there anymore. We head to the light. I give her a hug and promise I am always close if she needs me.

Last week I talked about how trauma can flip our basic human thoughts around. Our wounded inner child works much the same way. We don’t even realize until we start to unpack those thoughts. This is hard work but remember that your bad days are part of your good life.

The poison leaves bit by bit, not all at once. Be patient. You are healing.

-Yasmin Mogahed

This here ☝🏼 is how we re- parent ourselves ☝🏼. And how to parent our children and grandchildren too. Thereby meeting our own unmet needs here and now.

Be Authentic

Be authentic. As a chronic everything manager, I do not have the time or energy to be inauthentic. I understand and foresee the cycle of chronic pain. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I CAN’T STAND THIS ANYMORE. WHY DO I HAVE TO BE IN PAIN ALL THE TIME. THIS IS THE WORST AND I CAN’T HANDLE IT FOR ONE MORE MINUTE! I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.

Maybe that’s okay. Any therapists can pipe in here. I find the authentic me in this cycle. The me with chronic pain. She has breakdowns once in a while. As long as I don’t spend too much of my time there. I don’t have to hold it together all the time.

Recognize that when you are going about your daily activities you are doing more than is on the surface. If you are one of my chronic comrades you will be experiencing pain, fatigue, etc. And on top of that, add this to your daily check in. Not just what is my pain level. Also ask yourself, what is my distress level. They co exist and distress can be over any aspect of our chronic lives. It is real and I need to take time to acknowledge it.

Another way I try to be authentic to my self and support my soul investment. Is by only saying ‘yes’ when I can do so authentically. I have found that when I do not give an authentic ‘yes’, it is then a resentful ‘yes’. Nobody knows what I am going through but me. So when others don’t understand and require more than I can give. It is still okay to say ‘no’. It leads to far less problems in the long run.

Self care- cocoon stage

Lastly today, I want to share some ideas on self care. This is not the type of self care with bubble baths and candles. That has its place. But I want to share this idea I learned, of a cocoon stage. When I experience one of those times in the cycle, the aggravating times. The times I feel I can’t go on. It is normal to go into a cocoon stage. It is a time to focus on my emotional health. It is a time to read. To cook. To get out in the sun. Find new ways to be creative. A time to reconnect with myself. Listen to podcasts that inspire me. I set boundaries so I can take this time. If I take the time and use it well, I emerge each time, a different version of me.

Here are some ground rules for the cocoon stage. Don’t judge yourself, the timing, or the process. Do the things you truly enjoy or have always wanted to try. From the outside this is likely to appear as a period of rest. Not so. This is hard work. So rest during the process. Not everyone will understand the need for this cocoon stage. That has to be okay. Give your nervous system the time it needs.

Then emerge. A beautiful butterfly. ☝🏼 This is how I picture someone that has taken time for soul investment 💗 .

These are ways I invest in my soul. How do you invest in yours? Perhaps some forest therapy? 😉

Head over to my contacts page for more information or to book a session for the spring. Take care my friends.

Healing from Trauma: My Journey

pammunkholm

Allow nature’s peace to flow into you as sunshine flows into trees.

-John Muir

Chronic pain, illness and fatigue all come to us with a certain amount of trauma. In my experience medical gas lighting also played a key part in that trauma. There are so many ways we take on trauma through life, from slight to extreme. The experiences that have triggered that trauma for each of us are as varied as our fingerprints. But there are a few key points that you will take away from today’s post. I consider what happens to us when we experience trauma and pain. How I started my healing process. Signs that you are healing. And how to continue to support the ongoing process.

👇🏼How about a reason to work on healing from trauma and its associated triggers?👇🏼

Before we dive in, make sure you are following me on Instagram. Facebook. And X. Soon to be up and running, my YouTube channel! This year featuring videos of forest therapy in different Saskatchewan forests. That’s Saskatchewan, Canada for anyone outside our region. Stay updated on all things forest therapy that I have planned for this year.

In this post I discuss trauma. I am not an expert. I have no training in trauma recovery. What I can speak to, is my own experience. If you have experienced trauma and you need support, reach out to a trained professional. If you suspect you have wounds bigger than you can handle on your own. Counselors and therapists are wonderful at helping us heal wounds of the past. When that healing work is under way, join us in the forest for exponential growth and learning.

If you are one of my chronic comrades, those with chronic illness, pain &/or fatigue. You will know what I mean by the trauma that comes with those diagnoses. They are essentially a life sentence. A full time job with no benefits, no pay and you can never quit or get fired. While there are tools and techniques to manage chronic disease. There should still be a time to mourn the life that you had planned. It will look different going ahead. Eventually that will be okay. Take time to acknowledge the hurt. Then work towards acceptance. Forest therapy is great for this type of healing work.

If you are as lucky as I am, with an endless list of chronic diagnoses. (Only one more and then I have the whole set!😏) And if those diagnoses took time to acquire. And strike three, if those illnesses are invisible. I expect you have experienced medical gas lighting. If you are not familiar with the term, gas lighting can happen in any relationship. In medical gas lighting, a medical professional dismisses symptoms or concerns and writes them off as normal. They suggest the patient is exaggerating, imagining or overreacting. If you’ve ever left a doctor’s office feeling misunderstood. Or concerned that you will never get treatment or care for a serious ailment. You may have been a victim of medical gas lighting.

Like everyone else, I have experienced trauma in different ways. I have had medical professionals give horrid advice with disastrous consequences. Leading me to feel misunderstood and under- treated for what I was going through. Like everyone else on the planet, I have gone through my fair share of trials and rough relationships. Life comes with trauma. I have also experienced the trauma that no child should ever face.

For healing to take place. I practiced inner child work. That can sound like a myth or mambo jumbo to those who are not familiar with how it works. I don’t want to take too much time today to explain how to do inner child work. I will unpack this topic in a future post. For the purpose of this week, just remember this. Inner child healing was part of the work I did to heal from trauma. It helped me reconcile with past traumas. When I say ‘inner child’, I mean the parts of you from the past. These parts still need some help. They are stuck being young and scared.

When I did this work. It took being present in the moment and in my body. Healing didn’t start until I felt safe in my body, being still. I couldn’t talk or think my way out of the shell I had created around my utmost unresolved hurts. In my healing I had to take time everyday to be present. To like myself. Eventually I found a way to love Me. I had to feel safe spending time with me. To breathe. To feel my feet on solid ground. And to know this is what is real and I will be okay. This work is amplified in the forest. That is what worked for me.

I expect part of the reason I needed this type of healing work was because of chronic pain. When it is always present one tends to push it out of mind. Being present here and now means feeling the pain of what is present here and now. I chose to be somewhere else to escape the chaos in and around me. Now I know better.

Chronic pain is its own trauma. To begin to understand how the nervous system responds to ongoing inescapable stress. Managing pain and managing trauma have to go hand in hand to manage EITHER.

-Dr Glenn Patrick Doyle

Trauma breaks parts of our selves. Basic thoughts get flipped around. Life is good becomes ➡ life is painful. I am safe becomes ➡ I need to always be on high alert. I can trust others becomes ➡ I can’t trust people.

No one tells you how hard it is to rewire your brain. It is challenging to allow amazing things to happen after you have experienced trauma. Healing takes constantly and lovingly reminding your own brain that life is sweet. Soft places and people are everywhere. Miracles are already happening for your good. Accept them.

As adults we are capable of going back to rewire traumatic moments. For example, I had an experience as a young teen on a school bus. I felt attacked and trapped. There were so many negative feelings from that moment of my childhood. I hung on to that memory with its associated negative emotions. Through inner child work, I was capable of going through that moment with adult eyes and adult understanding. Our wounded inner child needs the support of a conscientious parent.

Nothing against any parents out there. We all did our best. We couldn’t be there for every hard moment. We weren’t supposed to be. This is all part of the process. Of learning and growing. As an adult we can go back for those parts that still need healing.

Below I list some of the things we automatically say to ourselves in those triggering moments. This is coming from the wounded child that lives in each of us. She is starving for this work to be done. The second column is what you should say to your inner child. (As I said I will take a deeper dive into this topic in a later post, this is the teaser😉.) You can use the statements in the second column to say to your adult self now as well.

For example, if I make a mistake in my blog, perhaps I have written something incorrect. If it were pointed out publicly. Despite my best efforts. I might initially listen to my wounded child (what others refer to as an inner critic) and become flustered. Instantly the thought goes through my mind. I am flawed and there is something wrong with me. Without inner child work through trauma healing, that thought would stand. I wouldn’t stop to assess the truthfulness of the statement. As a mature adult I can see that is not the way I should talk to anyone. Certainly not a young child, which parts of me are still her. I have more work to do to bring all the parts of me up to speed. It takes time and effort.

When I change my words that I say to myself. I suit them for a young child or anyone I love. In this space, growth can occur. I would change to say these words, Mistakes are part of learning. Everyone makes mistakes. We are all human. With those thoughts at the forefront, I have seen my inner child. She feels accepted and can evolve. See if there are any wounded child statements that sound familiar in the chart. If you notive yourself using any, I recommend changing them. Use words a loving, conscientious parent would say to your inner child. The words also apply to your adult self now. Use them internally to begin the healing process.

Wounded ChildConscientious parent
I’m flawed, there is something wrong with meEveryone makes mistakes, we are all human.
I need to make sure everyone is happyIt is not your job to manage other people’s emotions, only yours
I need to hide how I actually feelIt is safe and healthy to feel your emotions
I need to be perfectMaking mistakes is a part of learning
What I have to say isn’t importantIt is safe to be heard and seen, your thoughts and opinions are valuable
I need to hide my mistakesYou do not need to hide, I forgive you
I am invisibleI see you and I hear you
Life has been terrible to meI am so sorry you had to go through that, look for examples of a beautiful life
I am weakYou are perfectly imperfect, powerful beyond measure
It is all my faultWhat someone does to you is never your fault, especially as a child
I dealt with it wrongYou did the best you could do with what you knew at the time
I am all aloneIt is okay to feel lonely sometimes, but you don’t have to, I am right here
Everything I do goes wrongI see you trying the best you can

I saw a word and it ignited in me a desire to do better. To keep working on my inner child healing. From trauma. Medical. Regular growing up stuff. And the stuff that never should have happened. The word is Latibulate. It means to hide in a corner until the situation improves. While I confess I have been a ‘latibulator?’ (not a word) in the past. I am now out of the corner. In the situation. Doing what I can to improve. And a significant measure of that has been improving my inner self talk.

When your nervous system is pressuring you to make every decision based on risk management, as opposed to your actual values & goals, you begin to lose yourself. You end up living a life that has nothing to do with you. Trauma recovery is a “you” search & rescue operation.

-Dr Glenn Patrick Doyle

The best part? It can all be healed. And the effects will significantly improve your overall life. Watch for these signs that healing from trauma is occurring.

7 Signs you are healing from trauma

  • awareness of your trauma and what triggers an emotional response in you
  • ability to maturely express your needs and emotions
  • awareness and gaining control over negative self talk
  • take time for regular check ins with yourself
  • learning how to build healthy boundaries
  • seeking help when stuck
  • REMEMBER: healing is not linear, we wish it was, but it is not!

I share many things in my blog and on social media about my journey. Forest therapy has been my way through. It is the answer to so many of my physical and mental issues. It has supported me as I rewired my nervous system to one of calm and happiness.

If you need help healing from the trauma associated with chronic illness, pain and fatigue. Life trauma. Or traumas of a greater nature. The forest has answers. Forest therapy is a way to slow down and allow natural healing to occur. I facilitate the walk and guide through invitations. And nature does its work.

But look! You are a forest and no matter how many wildfires burn you down you’ll always find a way to grow back.

-Lena Frias

If you want to join me on a forest therapy walk you can contact me @ pam.munkholm@gmail.com to inquire. I will have options and prices listed in the coming weeks on my homepage. Walks begin the first week of April. I love to get out in the winter. And yet, this year has been so icy. I can’t risk another fall.

I will be hosting group walks in different locations in and around Saskatoon all spring, summer and fall. If you are seeking regular weekly walks or one and done. All are welcome. Or you can sign up for my six week program. More information to come. Remember to subscribe to the blog and find me on socials. sunbeamacres.

Much appreciation for making it to the end. I hope this helps someone❣

Navigating Grief: My Journey to Healing

pammunkholm

Grief hits us all differently. No matter the cause or the depth. I personally believe grief hits our nervous systems. It tugs at our nerve strings. If we ignore that tug to care for ourselves, the consequences are far reaching.

In 2020, my condition and its associated unmanageable pain, coupled with stress, led me to my breaking point. What happened? I just read something. But that something broke my mind and then my heart. This experience resulted in my nervous system turning into a bit of a punk. In this post I share the story of my mental breakdown.

Before I get into it, make sure you are subscribed to my Instagram, Facebook and now X! You will want to stay tuned for the plans I have in the works for spring.

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The bravest thing I ever did was rebuilding, when I DID NOT even want, to live.

-John Polo

My Story

My world stopped when I read those two lines. Time stood still or so it seemed until I looked at the clock and 6 hrs had passed.

It was like I had carefully and lovingly built this life. Like building a home. It was a beautiful glass home. I thought I’d finished completion on it recently. Everything was fitting together perfectly after such a long haul to the contrary. So many setbacks. But it was finally starting to making sense. I started to decorate my home.

And then I read those words.

I kept trying to reconfigure in my brain how this would still work and still fit. But it didn’t. What I was reading did not fit in my home. It was all or nothing. This piece of information was so contrary to the home it would not go inside. But it was my home. I just finished building it. It looked so perfect.

I had to decide what was more important. Those words despite the deep hurt they caused… or my beautiful new home. This life I had built. I was not in a position to take them both forward.

So it broke my brain.

My beautiful home started to implode. So many thoughts sent the pieces of glass flying at me. Slicing me in multiple places at once. The image was only that. An image. But the pain was real.

My eyes went dark and a terrible sound rushed into my ears. I standing in the path of a tornado. It went on and on.

This was the only way. Complete separation.

I lay in bed and counted down the hours…to nothing.

There was nothing left to do with my time. Every thought I had about getting up brought me back to the raging tornado.

So I closed my bedroom door and locked it. Shut off the lights and tucked every crack of light out with the blackout curtains. I liked it being so dark I couldn’t tell if my eyes were open or not. That’s when it was easiest not to think. Dead air.

And then when the thoughts broke through the darkness I drowned them out listening to piano music. Naming the notes and translating them from solfege to ABC took my conscious and subconscious brain. Anything to keep them busy.

Any thoughts related to the implosion ripped through me. I had to scribble them out on paper with a pen so hard I’d rip through every time. Even when I put the pen down, my thoughts made me mad at myself. I had to scribble them out in my head. I felt the pen rip through there too.

The days of lying in bed were spent going through the many parts of my life this will alter.

I was so confused. I didn’t know anything anymore. I didn’t trust myself. I decided I just needed to stay small and insignificant.  Sending shrapnel through my mind. The thought, what did I think I was doing? Sending shrapnel through my gut.

I had the Miss Saigon refrain in my own words. 🎵 No plans. No joy. No goals. No change.🎵

Stay small. Stay insignificant. Stay low. These thoughts felt more right. But going along with them felt more wrong.

Depression and nerve pain felt the same. The vibration that spread to my fingertips and through to the ends of my toes was uncomfortable exhausting.

It felt like a break up. But worse. I didn’t want to be reminded of the things that broke my brain. All of it. Stuff and books and papers and notebooks. It all had to be hidden away.

I didn’t even know what to eat. So I didn’t eat anything.

I was on the edge of a cliff. It would be so easy to fall. I’d already felt the crash. It took great force to stay on the cliff. Every thought that imploded another part of the house threatened my safety.

This disease was trying to hide in my brain and gut. A disease of shrapnel. If I coax it all out now, I will most definitely fall. But holding it in was also astonishingly painful.

I wanted to hide. I closed my eyes and put a blanket over my head and pushed my fingers into my eyes. Hiding from the pain of it all.

What am I fighting back for? For things to continue to swirl in a sea of chaos?

I kept checking. Do I have any foundation left in my home? Do I still know what I know and believe what I believe?

I am safe. I am loved.

That was all I could trust at that time.

Three days later I texted my mom. I need help. (Hubby was working out of town)

☝ That is what I wrote in my journal☝ . It was a few weeks later when I started to come out of it. What I read that caused the breakdown doesn’t matter. It was the straw that broke, not the camel’s back. But my brain and heart

There is a Time for Grief

I share this as a way of connecting. If you are experiencing grief I hope you have someone to text. I hope you can find your way to sit with it so you will, in time, let go.

Let go or be dragged.

-Anonymous

Over the River and Through the Woods

My way through the grief was nature. It started with grounding which led me to forest therapy.

These tools helped me retrain my nervous system. from choosing the chaos it was familiar with, to an unfamiliar peace. This initially felt awful. It took time but that balance shifted and eventually I felt peaceful being at peace. I found me again.

In nature I found healing from wounds I wasn’t ready to face any other way. They melted away into the sand and dirt through my bare feet. My nerves found shelter from the strain as I stood in the pouring rain. My doubts were carried away on the wind. The land was a teacher and I the student starving for learning. Joy slowly crept back into my life as I literally took time to smell the flowers. Hope was in my vocabulary once I took time to sit in the sun and feel it reviving me.

It took time. But I found me again. Me, with this new information. A better me. A me prepared to navigate the shifts still to come in my life.

She may be falling apart, but she’s been there before. She’ll take her time as she mourns the pieces she no longer needs and gather the rest of her, the best of her, and with a smile she’ll walk away.

-JM Storm

A Painful Truth

Developing chronic illness, pain, fatigue is devastating. We all stand in need of a time of mourning. A time to say goodbye to the life we’d planned. And then a step forward with care.

I try to take care of my nervous system. I hope I pay attention to those tugs of grief, or overwhelm, or anger. Now I know my emotions are messages my body is sending. I have learned how important it is to listen to them.

A big part of our nervous system healing involves teaching it that it is safe to feel negative emotions. It is safe to feel tired. It is safe to feel uncertain. afraid or incredibly sad. Just because something is unfamiliar doesn’t mean it’s bad. As my nervous system starts to trust me on that point, I am better equipped to face life. And to continue healing.

Loss is part of life and grief is part of love. I don’t want to let go of either.

Be at Peace

What brings you the most peace? Knowing this about yourself is key. Nature is awesomely soothing. Try it. You will be ready and willing to join me soon enough. Together, we can go deeper into our study of forest therapy when spring comes.

Remember, forest therapy is not only for grief but a host of human conditions. Such as the following. Forest therapy can:

  • relieve stress and anxiety
  • improve lung and heart health
  • increase memory and focus
  • improve sleep
  • fight depression
  • improve mood and energy
  • boost immunity
  • speed recovery from injury
  • just to name a few!!!

There is something for all of us to heal from. The forest has an open invitation. I eagerly anticipate working together with you. I invite you to continue to learn and heal and grow with me as we face this beautiful life. Take care!

Winter Wellness: Recharge Your Battery This Season

pammunkholm

The forest guides you deep within, to find your soul, to live again.

-Angie Weiland- Crosby

I’ve been feeling the cold of winter. In my body and in my soul. I’m trying to find ways to reintroduce warmth to my bones and into my spirit.

Has anyone felt a little depleted lately? Winter can be hard on us. What do you do to experience warmth in January? Tell me about it in the comments!

A Tale of Two Winters

It is easy to feel the cold outside in Saskatchewan these days.

As soon as you take a breath outside your lungs cease to function. And your nose tingles with the sneeze that will never fully arrive. One can sense the eyelashes freezing together and the eyeballs taking on a thin sheet of ice. Any portion of skin unfortunate enough to be facing the elements seems to scream, ‘Why?’. Muscles tense. All mental function goes to figuring out why we live here. Eyes scan for a safe place to step. Spoiler alert: there isn’t one. Ears are attuned for the screeching of brakes and sliding tires. Everyone is in a constant hunch of grouchiness and feeble attempts to keep a portion of body heat.

On the other hand;

Can you smell snow? According to Lorelai on Gilmore Girls you can. Picture the night sky lit with stars. My favourite snow scene is still. But for the falling snow. I can almost hear the soft gentle sound of the falling snowflakes. I feel them as they land then melt on my face. The chill barely touches my nose and toes. I feel myself wrapped in cozy layers of blankets.

These are two vastly different perceptions of this time of year. It can be a stretch to feel the second description when we have things to get done. But when there is a moment to do so, slow down.

So much joy can be found in slowing down

-Emily Ley

Unique and Elegant

I’m disappointed that the term snowflake has come to be used in such a derogatory way. I want to take a moment to acknowledge that it is not okay. As we discuss snowflakes here, can we go back to what the word is supposed to suggest? And not anything that demeans or belittles any person or group of people?

I love snowflakes. I love that they are different. Uniquely and individually perfect. I love their gentle and fragile state. It makes them more beautiful (take note, my chronic comrades). I love the way that when they fall they do so gracefully. They allow their circumstance to choose where they land. When they land they blend with those around them creating a blanket of exquisite elegance.

How can you take on the qualities of a gracefully falling or resting sliver of snow?

Lessons of the Changing Seasons

Furthermore, what lessons can you learn from this season? Here are four of the lessons I have learned recently,

  1. Even the longest, darkest night will end. Even the coldest, loneliest winters turn to spring. Dawn surely will come. Summer will bring sand and sun again. Is there anything dark or lingering in your life that makes you question if this tunnel actually has an end? Your chronic illness may not end; but the pain of having one can. Your pain may not end; but the sense of loss that has come from it can. You may not be able to do the things you used to do. However, there is still greatness in you. The world needs your greatness. Keep working and spring will come.
  2. We have reached our turning point. We will survive. The night is turning over its hours to the day. Our marker. The land and animals have endured thus far. So have we. Think back. What have you had to endure in the past? Did you survive it? How? Can you apply those principles to this season? Winter is a good time to ponder. Write things down. Ingest learning. Our time to be out in the dirt and sun is coming.
  3. A lesson I am taking, in particular, this season, is that sunshine and cold can exist at the same time. Often we think of sunshine and warmth as going together. It is happier that way. But sunshine can be burning bright even on the coldest of days. I experience pain. That is true. But I feel joy. They can exist at the same time. This is a lesson that has been hard fought. I hold it like a white flag of surrender in my hand. Surrender to the pain, to what is. And also surrender to the joy.
  4. We talk about wintering. A time to rest for longer. To move a little slower. Take the offering. Use it wisely. Recharge your batteries that have fallen out. So when you put them back in, they are energizing.

From Focus to Burnout

Where is your battery sitting today? Our battery affects our physical, mental and spiritual self.

The lowest point of the battery is burnout. Physically that will look like having trouble sleeping, exhaustion, more pain than usual, such as headaches. Emotionally you may feel numb, lost, empty and depressed. Spiritually you don’t feel drawn to practice, a submission to despair and loss of connection to your higher spiritual power.

The highest point on the battery is focused. Physically there is a feeling of calm and steady while maintaining normal sleeping and eating habits. Emotionally one feels positive, creative and a sense that they are thriving. Spiritually will look like higher connection and trust. A deep desire to practice and engage in holy rituals.

There are many points on the battery between these. Most days we will fall somewhere along the middle. Where are you sitting today? Take note.

Where do you want your battery reading to be? The power to change is in your hands. The secret is to take patterns and seasons to rest. Then you can live closer to the top end of those readings.

Is your battery focused? functioning? overworked? depleted? or burned out? Be aware of your battery reading and act accordingly. What can you do to further recharge during these winter months?

How about some moments of koeslig to snuggle up in.

Koeslig (koosh-lee)- a warm and cozy atmosphere of togetherness in a pleasant setting.

And remember our track record for surviving winter so far is 100%. So our odds of making it this year are pretty good. The only question is which of the opening statements about two winters will describe how you survive it.

I heard it said, some people drink deeply from the well of knowledge. Others rinse and spit.

Thank you for the time you take to join me here. I hope there is some bit of knowledge that refreshes you. That you feel you benefit in the reading of this blog. (even if you choose to rinse and spit)

If you are enjoying it please like, subscribe &/or share this post with someone who would enjoy it.

👀 Keep your eyes open here and on my social media to see what I have coming up in the spring. 👀 Exciting things are happening behind the scenes. You won’t want to miss it.

How to Regulate Your Emotions: 10 Effective Strategies

pammunkholm

Though winter is a brittle beast she snows pure soul in flakes so deep.

-Angie Weiland- Crosby

Despite my greatest efforts there are times I react emotionally. People are difficult and life can be challenging. But this reaction takes a toll on the body, mind and spirit. Especially my chronic comrades.

Minimizing Emotional Reactivity

All of us can attempt to minimize the effect emotional reactivity has on us. I do this by engaging in one or more of the following ten activities. In this post I share with you my top ten ways to minimize emotional reactivity.

These can be done in any order and in your own way and timing.

  1. Breathe. Sit with your feelings and just let them hunker down for the moment. Then breathe some more to allow the feelings to pass. The effort of holding back emotions we don’t want to experience is worse than actually sitting with the feeling itself.
  2. Be curious about what you are feeling. Question it. Where is the feeling in my body? What does it feel like? Burning. Stabbing. Twinging. You can even question, why am I feeling this way? See what answers come up.
  3. This is a hard one. Try to look at things with an outside perspective. Stay open minded and be humbly objective. Perhaps there is something you would do differently given that new perspective. Mentally talking this through with yourself can be quite constructive.
  4. Count to 30 before responding. It gives a chance for the nervous system to calm. This way, there is not a sudden action that you will most definitely regret later. It is healthier to act than to react.
  5. I like this one. Practice self compassion and remember that we are all human. Sometimes we get it right and other times we get it wrong. That is part of growth and development. I choose to be in the arena where my life is advancing. And part of being in that arena is winning and losing. We can’t always win.
  6. If you have the opportunity (not always an option in the moment) journal your thoughts, feelings and intentions. This will assist you in weeding out the opinions of others. Bring it down to you and what is happening in your brain.
  7. “Maybe things are going perfectly”. I have shared this favourite mantra of mine before. It is powerful if you are open enough to believe it. These words and the space they create help me see a positive in even the most dire of circumstances. Maybe this disaster needs to happen for something really important to work out.
  8. Do not judge your feelings. Feelings are human. We all have them. It is what we do with them that determines who we are. Be honest with yourself to see more deeply into your emotions. Stand back and notice. Name the feeling or emotion if you can.
  9. Trust the process. (I saw a meme that said: Does the process know we are trusting it? Hehe) This goes along with #6, maybe things are going perfectly. But in this one there is an added belief that your higher power/ life has got you. That this life is for you and eternal success is your inherent right.
  10. Stay in your own energy. As I write this list and this post I am currently in a squabble with my landlord. I am getting a chance to practice this very list. Here is something I am learning to be truly important. When I act true to myself, I can stay out of emotional reactivity. That can be difficult to do around certain personality types. Some people have such a strong energy. It is vital to take time to look inward and find our own energy and act true to that. Bending to the energy of others takes us away from our truth. And into emotional reactivity.

What else would you add to this list? What helps you come down from emotionally charged situations? Add your answer in the comments.

Having emotions is human. They are a fuse box for our individual experience. When tripped they alert us to danger and help us see where we need better boundaries. It is important to notice your emotions.

The next step, that so many people skip, is crucial. Use your logical brain to decide which parts of the emotion fit the facts of the situation. Don’t allow the emotion to take control of the situation. Use that higher part of your brain to determine how you will respond. Emotions do not give us the right to treat others or ourselves poorly.

My Top Ten Ways to Regulate My Nervous System Once I’ve Been Triggered

If, like me, there are still times in your life where you are unsuccessful, don’t worry. Even if all these steps have failed, there is a way back. Here is my top ten list of how to regulate your nervous system once it has been overloaded.

  1. Exercise. If it is an option for you, get moving. To have the greatest effect you will need to get your heart rate up and your sweat on. This is great for any type of detox that your body needs. Including stress.
  2. Listen to music. Up- level by having a playlist on your music app that is for moments like this. Choose soothing songs that speak to you.
  3. Cry! I used to avoid crying. I thought it was weak and embarrassing. But now I understand it is just another way that our body is supporting itself. Crying releases stress.
  4. Cuddle a pet. Animals are so great at accepting us wherever we are. If you don’t have your own pet, go cuddle a friend’s. Animals are generally emotionally regulated (unless that is challenged by their human’s behaviour). So if you allow your energy to shift to theirs you will find yourself coming back to yourself.
  5. Progressive muscle relaxation. If you haven’t heard of this you can google it. Many meditations that I follow use this as a tool. Essentially you tense a muscle group. Starting in your lower extremities and then moving to the top of your head. So starting with your feet. Tense. Hold for a few seconds and then release. Move up to your lower legs. Tense. Hold. Release. And so on. Connect to your body.
  6. Speaking of meditations. This can look different for all of us. It can be sitting quietly and breathing. Praying to connect to your higher power. Or listening to a meditation app. I highly recommend Insight Timer if you are looking for one to try.
  7. Spend time with friends who get it. Maybe that’s family or maybe you need to schedule a day with your besties. I hope you have someone in your life that can let you talk it out. And help you get to the bottom of your emotions. A paid professional is always an option too. I, personally, think that we all need a therapist.
  8. Hug your person. There is something about holding one another heart to heart that provides a space for compassion and healing. Okay so this one isn’t my favourite. But it’s one I’m working on. I see the value of it.
  9. Get enough sleep. This seems silly when there are so many things vying for our time. And likely, you are a grown adult that can go to bed whenever you want. But getting at least 8 hours of sleep at night will greatly improve your chances of recapturing emotional regulation. And a higher probability of keeping it in the future.
  10. I have it here as #10 but it is actually my #1. Can you guess? Forest therapy! Even in the cold of Saskatchewan, there are days and ways to get some nature time in. Bundle up. Pick your spot. And enjoy what nature gives freely. Given enough time, you will regulate your nervous system with forest therapy. If you’d like to learn more, subscribe to the blog and watch for all I have coming in the spring. You can also contact me with any questions about forest therapy. Ask me about how to use it for all types of healing.

These have all worked for me in the past. Sometimes I need to try one or two. Take time to consider what works for you. Perhaps you will need to try a few before your emotions start to fizzle as well.

I mentioned that I would get to how sensory overload is different for my chronic comrades. When our emotions are running high we tend to go into sensory overload. Does this sound familiar to you when you’ve been emotionally triggered?

Unfortunate equation: chronic pain + too much stimuli = more pain. Have you ever been so overwhelmed by seemingly minimal inputs but you can’t explain it to anyone? Like: The lights are on. People are talking. The music is playing on the tv downstairs. My bra is on. I suddenly have too much hair. And my teeth feel weird. What is wrong with you people? Isn’t everyone else suffering from all of this stimuli?

Never fear. All is well. We have a list of ways to avoid being emotionally reactive. We also have a backup list of what to do if those don’t work.

It’s okay to be sensitive. That’s what happens when you have magic in your heart.

-dannys_moments_poetry

That’s it for this week my friends. Take care of yourselves.

Mindfulness and Intentions: A New Year’s Guide

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A great hope fell. You heard no noise. The ruin was within.

-Emily Dickinson

The purpose of this post is to encourage you. Do not enter the new year with those words of Emily Dickinson as your guide. It can be easy to over shoot in our plans for the celebration of this night. Followed shortly thereafter by overwhelm at the thought of executing our way through the year itself.

I posted the following on Instagram this week. As taught by Jack Cornfield. If you aren’t connected to me there, look me up @sunbeamacres. The pictures are from one of my more recent forest therapy walks.

Author Kristin Neff said,

We hold ourselves to unrealistic standards of perfection and then we judge ourselves when we don’t live up to them. The thing is, we aren’t supposed to be perfect. But we are supposed to transform.

Are New Year’s Resolutions For You?

Goals are great. But they don’t have to start at the beginning of the year. And when January 3rd comes around and you missed a day, it is not the end. You can actually try again. And here’s the kicker, you don’t even have to feel bad about it!

Shocking, I know

It can be overwhelming at this time of year to hear everyone talking about their resolutions. Especially if that isn’t your thing. (It does not have to be your thing, shh it’s a secret! Don’t upset the status quo.)

IF you are a goal setter. And IF you find renewed strength to try again at the beginning of the year, I applaud you. The rest of us will be over here attempting not to be intimidated and feel bad about ourselves around you.

We will just keep doing our best.

But where to start?

Suzuki Roshi said,

The most important thing is remembering the most important thing.

How do you know what your most important thing is? It will be different for you than for others. And it will change at various seasons of your life.

Intention

The word intention has become muddled in recent years. But if you think of it as where the compass of your heart is pointing. What is your intention for this year?

We get to decide. We get to set where the compass points. But what will be most transforming for us is to follow those glimpses and glimmers our heart is giving us. I suggest this is what lines us up to our true north. Set your compass to your true north for exponential transformation.

Mindful like a… Sniper?

If you were to sit mindfully to consider your upcoming year. What thoughts and ideas would you be open to find? Which brings up another muddle-y word of late. Mindful.

To be mindful is to be present, to see things clearly. But if that alone was the criteria then snipers would be the world’s most mindful people. If you were to picture a mindful retreat, are snipers the central figures? It confused AI. This picture would not generate without all the guns being pointed at one another.

Oooooohm. Does the process know we are trusting it?

To be mindful then, we are attempting to see clearly. AND we need to know why we are being mindful. There needs to be purpose. Your purpose at this time might be setting your intentions for the year. AND finally, we need to be aware of how we are paying attention. Is it with attitude? Or judgment? Pause to consider how that difference would affect your ability to be mindful. And in tune to the intention of your heart.

To put this all together. To define mindfulness. It is intentionally paying attention in a kind and open way.

Join me in intentionally paying attention. In a kind and open way. As we decide where the compass of our individual heart is pointing. To combat any New Year overwhelm.

A New Pattern to Transformation

I also suggest a new pattern, Instead of goal, success, success, fail, success, fail, give up. How about, Rhythm. Rest. Renewal, Restoration.

Your rhythm is your own. Are you familiar with your rhythm? It is your tempo. Your beat. Your movement. One must sit still, alone, long enough to sense their own rhythm. Where are you going too fast? Where do you need a more consistent pace? Find your rhythm. Sense it. Protect it.

Rest is healing. Rest is right. Rest is not lazy. Rest is not wasteful. Rest is often the most profitable thing you can do for your body and your soul. Rest is when growth happens. When you go to the gym and push your muscles. The fibers of those muscles sustain damage or injury. AFTER the workout, the body repairs those fibers by fusing them which increases the mass and size of the muscles. When we seek higher learning. We push our minds to take in and retain information. It feels like the information is going to start leaking out of our ears. There is hardly time to sleep. But in getting less sleep the ability to take in information is more challenging. In resting comes growth and renewal.

Renewal is to replenish. To make effective for an additional period. What if we take time to rest and are made more effective for an additional period? Instead of pushing ourselves to the brink and then resting. I am still learning how to do this myself. I have to keep going back to my rhythm. Not feeling pushed to match the rhythm of others around me. At this time of renewal of glad tidings. Of goals. Of generosity. Take time for renewal of yourself.

Restoration. To bring back into existence. To bring back to a former state of health, soundness or vigor. There are days I need to be brought back into existence. This can happen at the end of a long day or sadly, the very beginning. While my desire to have my former state of health is considerable. I will take any amount or form of restoration that comes from this pattern.

In a Nutshell

Set your goals within reach. Do not strive for perfection. Seek instead for transformation. Find YOUR most important thing. Sit mindfully to set the compass of your heart to know where and how the transformation can take place. Have your new pattern for this year be rhythm, rest, renewal, restoration. Find and protect your rhythm. Enjoy and seek rest. Recognize the renewal that opens to restoration. Rinse and repeat.

Chronic Comrades

My sweet broken- feeling chronic comrades. Chronic mental and physical illness, chronic pain, chronic fatigue. The following verse makes my heart both melt into it because somebody is speaking to my soul. While at the same time it cringes for what we have suffered.

Maybe one intention for the year would be to make peace with our “monsters”. 

every night she
sings lullabies
to her burdens
and fears because
that's what has 
to be done. 
the monsters
have to fall
asleep before 
she can.
-JmStorm

Know you are seen and understood comrades. Then work to diagnose and soothe your “monsters”-physical and mental, seen and unseen. In any way that works for you. Forest therapy is among the tools in your toolbox.

Crushing it…

My greatest intentions for the year will be in this forest therapy business. Stay tuned to see my rates, days & times, 6 wk starter packs, subscription boxes, etc. I am excited to finish developing and start sharing with all of you for the spring.

Take care my friends. I sincerely hope it is a Happy New Year.

Heartfelt Holidays: A Spoonie’s Joyful Celebration

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I have been posting my twelve days of Christmas according to a spoonie on my instagram page. For this late post on Christmas Eve I am sharing those posts here.

I looove stars. As a teenager, I would sit backwards on the seat of the car. With my back resting on the dash I could see the whole sky. When my boyfriend (now hubby) drove out on the highway. I wouldn’t do that now. But I still love getting out of the city and away from the lights to see the starlit sky. This eve marks the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. On this night we remember the star that heralded his birth. HE brings me more peace than all the other remedies combined. He is my High Priest of Good Things to Come. Whatever your faith. Whatever you celebrate, I with you the happiest of holidays.
What is the most important part of Christmas for you? Family? The meal? Gift giving? That is what we chronic comrades should focus on this year. The most important part for each of us, whatever that may be. We don’t get to take it all in and do it all the way we’d choose. But we can focus on one thing that is most important. Enjoy that with all your hearts.
Chronic comrades find ourselves explaining our choices often. Why we don’t work. Why we can’t try that exercise program. Why we can’t stand for long. You don’t have to give a fully prepared defense in response to every situation. When you have to decline an offer or invitation, often ‘No’ is all you have to say. Explanations are not mandatory.
I love Christmas movies. There’s so many new fun ones out there. But my favourites are the classics. White Christmas. Holiday Inn. Miracle on 34th Street. It’s a Wonderful Life. When I need a break from the chaos around me I will spend time in these heartwarming tales. We chronic comrades know that there are times we just have to rest. This can be terribly annoying when there are so many more fun things out there. And it seems like everyone else is out there enjoying themselves. You are not alone. There are others of us who just need to lay down and watch an old Christmas movie.
When I only eat the foods that don’t bother me, I have a very limited diet. My chronic comrades will understand. It can feel like we are missing out on comfort foods especially at this time of year. Find other things that bring you comfort. Like cozy sweaters! Or fuzzy blankets. Or the perfect smelling candle or diffuser blend. Or forest therapy! There are many things that can bring us comfort. Find yours.
This life presents us with different seasons of life. We can accept them and find peace or fight against them and find struggle. For my chronic comrades this is a season of rest. Not your season to impress. Your home and meal should look different from others’. So don’t compare to those in a different season. Use some of your movement time to get outside and breathe some fresh air for your forest therapy. But be careful in Saskatoon, I fell on the ice and now I am Humpty Dumpty. Waiting for someone to put me together again.
Music sets a mood. What mood do you want for your day? I have multiple Christmas playlists. A joyful Christmas. A playful Christmas. A traditional Christmas. Don’t say you aren’t a Christmas music person until you have tried more than Mariah and Justin. When you take time out to rest chronic comrades, put on something relaxing. It will help to settle any upset nerves. Enjoy your down time. Don’t sit there worrying about what isn’t getting done. I’ll share with you my favourite mantra for when things are going sideways. {{maybe things are going perfectly}} Maybe it doesn’t matter if we forgot to make the mashed potatoes. Or if the dog gets into the turkey. Or dinner is going to be two hours late. Sit down, choose some calming music and breathe.
Sing it with me and the gospel choir. Just go lie down. When your body needs something, listen to it. Take care of your body and it will take care of you. It’s like preparing for a marathon if you have multiple gatherings. Stay hydrated. Make sure and be well rested. Eat nourishing foods. And when your body says it’s time to stop. Listen! I think of big family dinners with my Grandma McDonald. She knew how to do it all. Perhaps it’s just my young mind not remembering correctly but I recall Grandma enjoying it all. She never sat down until it was all over and cleaned up. And she still had energy left to watch a show or sing a song. I would love to be the woman who can do it all. And still have energy left over. But I am not. So as a reminder to me and my chronic comrades. Just go lie down when your body needs that.
I love the image of a perfectly clean living room with only the tree to light it on Christmas morning. All the gifts under the tree would be perfectly wrapped. The meal on standby. Way too many treats and the baking that I will finally allow my family to start eating. Family preparing to spend the day together for fun and visiting. This will not all be my reality this year. But there will be another reality that will be perfect for me. IF I choose to see it that way. If you also love all the parts of that Christmas morning image, choose one or two parts you can manage. Do not wear yourself out trying to do it all. My chronic comrades, I hope you have loving people around you. They would rather have you in one piece than a clean house and perfectly crafted meal. Take time for what heals you so you can take care of others.
Choose your time out and about wisely my chronic comrades. I give you permission to pick the most important and leave out the rest. Attend the gatherings that lift you up. You have enough that drags you down. Spend time with your most uplifting friends. Maybe you can get a group together for some forest therapy to deal with the stress of the holidays.
I have never been good at hugging. I didn’t think it was in my DNA. Brent says I hug like a tree. But I am learning how important it is to hug the ones we love. There is something about getting heart to heart that promotes a deeper love and compassion. My chronic comrades, let’s thrive through this Christmas season. Take some time to get heart to heart with the ones who lift you up. Step outside for some forest therapy. Even if it’s just for a moment in the middle of a gathering, breathe the crisp air.
Spoonies. When you know, you know. Forest therapy can help my chronic comrades. If you’d like to learn more about what it means to be a spoonie. Or how to use forest therapy check out my other posts.

Merry Christmas and take care, my friends!

The Humorous Side of Detoxing

pammunkholm

Due to personal reasons I will be shining brightly and unapologetically for the foreseeable future.

I think that we know each other well enough now. We’re all friends here, right? I’m going to share a story today. It will be terribly embarrassing for me and (I hope) most entertaining for you.

But first I want to make sure you’re following me on instagram or Facebook. I have been posting my twelve days of Christmas according to a spoonie on there. Let me know if you can relate.

Showers and Detoxing

I was in the shower a while back. I was thinking about how it is one of the most exhausting acts that I go through in a day. And then it hit me. A hot flash.

Then when I was able to breathe and think again, it hit me. A shower induces a detox in me every time.

If you aren’t familiar with detoxing it wouldn’t be a sensation you easily recognize. I try to do at least one detox everyday.

My body produces or takes on more toxins in a day than it naturally releases. This is due to medications, stress and physical traumas. My body can tell when I am behind on detoxing. I will have worse gut issues and brain fog.

I have a list of detoxes and I will daily check in to see which feels best. I will go into more details on those in another post. Suffice it to say that I detox often and I know the signs.

When my body goes into a detox I feel pin pricks all over my skin. It feels clammy and I can’t tell if I am hot or cold. If it is a particularly heavy detox I will get nauseous and feel light headed.

The doctors I work with are not familiar with this process. Imagine their consternation. What should have been a simple process for them ended in this delightful turn of events.

A Cautionary Tale

What follows is a detailed story of my butt. It’s triumphs and defeats. And far too much information.

I had a boil on my butt. I find this happens when I don’t have enough of a binder in my supplements. I can develop a boil as toxins emerge wherever they gather. This was the first and only of the butt variety.

As is always the case, this came at an inopportune time. There really is no good time to have a boil on one’s butt… but this was the worst. I was going on a trek with a group of youth. We would be walking for miles out in the wilderness.

I did not want to be caught out there if things took a turn for the worse.

I went to the doctor to see what we should do in light of the situation. He gave me two options. Ignore it and hope it goes away. But there is a chance of it getting infected. Or if I preferred he would drain it.

Nobody prefers to have such an area dealt with at all. But infection in that area while miles away from all civilization seemed worse. So we prepared for what we all assumed would be a simple procedure.

When the doctor started to drain the fluid my body went into a detox like no other. I started to sweat. Not a lady like sweat. A dripping, slopping, disgusting sweat.

For a moment I thought the doctor got the wrong spot and was actually draining the lifeblood out of me. I have a high pain threshold. But I had to ask him to stop. In a normal situation I would have done anything to get this thing wrapped up in a jiffy. But he acquiesced to my strange plea to prolong this party.

And we all took a beat. The doctor with his needle. The nurse with her gauze. And me with my butt up in the air. Hm, isn’t this intimate.

The sweat was smearing my make up and making my hair stick to my face. The thin paper that they put on the bed was all wet, falling apart and sticking to me. I was slipping around on the table. How did we get here? I wondered. I did not foresee things going so sideways when I signed up.

I weakly motioned for him to continue. As he did… I promptly passed out.

When I came to, the nurse was asking if I needed anything. What an odd question for a woman with her butt up in the air who is only semi conscious. Sure I’ll take a shrimp penne. What’s the soup for today?

But seriously, friend to friend, am I wearing pants? I asked her.

Next question from the nurse, how would you rate your pain? Zero stars. Would not recommend.

The doctor came back in and this is when it occurred to me that this was a detox. And the professionals in the room had no idea what was going on.

We proceeded with the… procedure. My limbs started to seize up. I couldn’t have moved if I’d tried. (To be clear, I wasn’t trying, there was a needle in my butt!)

I had to ask for a bucket at this point. The probability of vomit was now inevitable. But when I went to take the little tray they give you, my hand wouldn’t move. I spewed and the tray helped to ensure it sprayed everywhere, on everyone.

It’s only awkward if we let it be awkward, guys. They just looked at me. Were they trying not to laugh or wondering what I was on?

At this point I was ready to call it. This had been enough humiliation for me and confusion for them for one day.

In Conclusion

What they must have thought of me as I walked out after a half hour nap in their procedure room. My unkempt clothes, hair and face all nasty with sweat and vomit and bits of bed paper. They must have had so many questions.

Thank you. I feel much better now.

There’s probably a picture of me up in the back. Do not drain butt boils on this weirdo.

I failed to see the humour in the situation until at least a week later.

And the moral to this story: detoxing is serious business. Make sure you and your practitioner know what you are getting yourselves into! Especially when it comes to butt boils.

Guess what’s really good at helping you release toxins? Forest therapy! See you out on the trail.

She’s battling things her smile will never tell you about.

-Jonny Ox