Not the beginning, when everything still feels like clay. Wet, moldable, brimming with possibility. And not the end, when threads have been tied off and stories are stitched into something you can finally make sense of. I’m here, in the thick of it. In the in between. Healing from chronic pain and somehow learning to live with chronic fatigue, trying to shape what might be next.
Trying to find purpose in pain when the path ahead feels tender and unfinished.
She cleared out all of her old ideas of things, until she could hear her own joy with almost no effort at all.
-Sara Avant Stover, The Way of The Happy Woman
As I have talked about previously on here. I had a hysterectomy after years of fighting hormones that felt like they were clawing their way through my insides. Endometriosis pain stretched across entire seasons of my life.
And then there was my business. It was finally thriving, finally fun. Something my mom built with her hands and heart. But my body whispered then shouted then raged to get me to listen to its unmistakable limits.
Even sitting at the piano. The place that once felt like oxygen became something my body could no longer hold. Notes I used to float through now feel heavy, unsteady, often impossible.
Chronic pain doesn’t just take.
It rearranges.
It remodels.
It forces you into corners you didn’t see coming.
And here I am again, in this messy middle. Sorting out the parts of me that remain. Trying to decide what pieces go where, and to whom, and how much. Because there is only so much of me to go around.
My days are short. My energy is rationed. I can’t just “get up earlier” or “push harder” or “stretch the day.” Those tricks don’t work in this body.
I have learned, painfully, that pushing past limits costs me days, sometimes weeks, of recovery. I don’t slip gently into tired. I crash into a wall of pain with no warning and no buffer. There is no bouncing back.
I don’t have a reserve tank anymore.
I remember when I did.
I remember using an entire day to make snacks and treats for my family, cleaning the house, bathing my littles, tucking them into bed.
I remember being so tired, but feeling full. Like life had weight and meaning and movement. I loved looking at what I had accomplished.
Now?
I can get that same level of bone deep exhaustion from five minutes of washing the dishes.
And that, sadly, is not an exaggeration.
This isn’t “just midlife.”
This is chronic pain. And chronic fatigue. And chronic limitation.
But here’s the truth I’m holding onto-
The messy middle is still a valuable place. A real place. A sacred place of hope. A place worth tending.
And I’ve learned that healing isn’t found in the before or the after.
It’s found right here.
In the slow, intentional steps we take when life has to narrow down.
I have never experienced walking on sand in my winter boots before. Weird!
For me, one of those steps is forest therapy.
Where Forest Therapy Meets Healing Journey
In this season, forest therapy has become one of the few places where my body and my motivation find agreement.
It isn’t hiking. It isn’t performance. It isn’t even about movement.
It’s a return to your own breath. It is nature therapy in its gentlest form.
A soft doorway into emotional healing, grounded presence, and quiet hope.
A reclaiming of the parts of yourself that pain has tried to scatter.
A gentle companionship in the places of life that feel undone.
In the forest, I don’t have to be anything for anyone.
The trees don’t ask me to push. The moss doesn’t question my intentions. The forest simply holds space.
And in that space, I remember that even when life feels broken, I’m not.
I think healing is like that.
Quiet. Nonlinear. Messy.
More felt than understood.
And every time I enter the forest, I feel like I step onto a “ladder of hope.”
The Ladder of Hope by me
You climb it not in leaps But in breaths. You rise not by strength But by softness. The rungs are made of moments— A bird call, A sunbeam, A place to sit. And every rung you step on Whispers the same truth: You’re still rising.
These are small moment that lift me enough to keep going. Not giant steps. Not perfect healing. Not having everything sorted.
The middle is messy. But it’s also alive. It’s also becoming. It’s also sacred ground.
And maybe, purpose isn’t something we chase.
Perhaps it is something that can grow. Slowly, gently, sturdily. If we let it.
“Hope” is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul. And sings the tune without the words. And never stops— at all.
-Emily Dickinson
Wherever you find yourself today, whether you’re living your own messy middle or standing at the edge of it, may you find one small rung of hope. One quiet moment. One breath of space.
Chronic pain has rerouted my life more times than I can count. It has taken me down roads I never meant to travel.
It’s like my GPS is stuck on the back roads setting as I travel cross country. Not quite the way I’d planned. A lot bumpier. Requiring a slower pace. And focused attention. It is often lonely. And misunderstood.
Sometimes a path calls for you to walk alone. And still, it is beautiful.
-Angie Weiland- Crosby
There are places where the forest tends us and our own breath begins to feel like a home again.
Let the air touch your face. Let the light filter in.
Climb one rung of your ladder of hope.
Just one. This will look different for each one of us. Rightly so.
We are still rising.
And that matters.
Winter, come rest your soul on autumn’s weary head. Twirl, shimmer, soften, before tucking fall into bed.
Fjellro (Norwegian)- means “mountain peace” or “a quiet place in the mountain”.
I could use some mountain peace. My diagnosis of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis- Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME-CFS) demands that I find time and places for peace. Outdoors- if at all possible. The winter months make it less than practical in Saskatchewan. But the forests and spaces of nature are melting and inviting us to join their tip toe into spring. I will explore this diagnosis and why nature is so beneficial in today’s post.
I slipped on the ice again yesterday. Just a mini whoopsy daisy that would be nothing for the average Joe. But I am me. And it is not nothing.
This has been an atrocious year for ice. This is my third fall. Every time I fall I have to put in a herculean effort to get back to where I was physically. Which also takes a toll mentally and emotionally.
It means more painful days. And harder to sleep nights. It takes weeks (sometimes months), a few physio appointments to figure out what is happening and then I fall again!
Frustration at the setback is not a strong enough word. Exasperation. Fury at myself over such a mistake. Rage at the prospect of what this means for the days, weeks and months ahead.
Faith is a bluebird we see from afar. It’s real and sure as the first evening star. You can’t touch it, or buy it, or wrap it up tight, but it’s there just the same- making things turn out right.
-The Rescuers
My ME-CFS Diagnosis: The Mystery Illness That Would Have Ruined My Social Life If I’d Had One
Such an accurate depiction. Just getting dressed feels out of reach. Taking care of kids is a stretch but worth it. Although that knocks out fitness and and career (you can’t have it all!) Plans, hopes and dreams feel too far away to try to reach.
In my last post on Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME) Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) Living with ME/CFS: A Journey Through Chronic Fatigue I explained that when broken down the term means, inflammation of the brain and spinal cord with muscle pain. After years of wondering and then months of testing, I was told the master plan was to manage the symptoms and treat the pain. Forever.
Rubatosis is a newly coined term by John Koenig. He defines it in his book “The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows”. It speaks to me because it is derived from the musical term rubato. I played piano for years. I loved songs with rubato. Rubato literally means ‘robbed time’.
When playing a piece of music that calls for rubato, the musician subtly speeds up and slows down. This ‘robs time’ from one spot and gives it to another. This inclines the ear of the listener as it is not what is expected.
Rubatosis is being aware of your own unsettled heartbeat. Sensing a nervous, irregular rhythm. Unlike the steady beat of a metronome, it feels erratic and frantic. This is one of the sensations I feel with ME. Along with that feeling of sorrow as originally intended. I sense a physically unsettled feeling that never shows up on any test. Doctors and their machines cannot find it. But the sensation persists.
From There To Here: Now What?
How does one keep fighting against such odds and thrive, not just survive this life? I believe this is where SISU can come in. I discuss sisu in another post if you want to learn more. Sisu: The Art of Thriving in Adversity.
Sisu is where perseverance and grit end. It is the second wind we find to go on. When you feel you have reached your limits, can you find your sisu? Can you meet yourself in this place of suffering and give yourself the time to grieve? And then push past your perceived limits. Those places that other people don’t have to go. Feel the frustration. And then advance. Arise. Flourish. Shine.
Also know when it is time to stop shining and go to bed. 😉
I recommend doing all you can to make your physical environment peaceful and comfortable.
Guilt-Free Zone: Moving Past Disability Guilt
Do you feel guilty about your disability? I feel like a burden on others. I see my inabilities and put aside my abilities. Let’s discuss the guilt that comes along with disabilities. Bring it out into the light so there is no shame here. You are not the only one.
I feel guilty when I struggle with an everyday task like walking the garbage to the trash can outside. I feel incompetent. I feel like a whiner. I feel powerless. So I do it anyway. And I slip on the frozen lake that is our driveway.
I feel guilty when I need to ask for help. I would rather just take care of things myself. But I have seen the repercussions in the past. It is an ongoing internal battle of pros and cons for the most menial of tasks.
I feel guilty for needing accommodations. My back starts to spasm when I think of sitting on an upright chair for any length of time. If I can’t recline, all the joints that are “out” have to work too hard. Little, tiny muscles are asked to do too much. And then they start to complain loudly. With inflammation and pain. But to bring a recliner camp chair with me wherever I go is demeaning. Even the super old people are fine in upright chairs. What’s the matter with me?
I feel guilty for needing more rest than others. It is a need I cannot ignore. I can pretend to be a “normal person” for one day. Maybe two. But then I will pay dearly for time that should have been spent resting &/or sleeping.
I feel guilty for quitting my job. I see others fighting through exhaustion and pain. Continuing to work. There are so many days I just want to ignore my body and join the rest of the world. Even typing that sentence makes my body react adversely.
And I feel guilty for not showing up. I want to be there. I want to do more. I want to see you. But my condition is not meant for this world. I have to create my own if I want to thrive.
The Vast Spectrum of Struggles: Understanding This Essentially Invisible Condition
What’s stressful about having an ‘invisible illness’ is that others expect you to have the same energy levels and stamina as people who are healthy, because you ‘look healthy’, which usually means you push your body past where you should in order to not appear ‘weak’ or ‘needy’.
-Hannah Lindgren
The symptoms and severity of this condition vary widely person to person. Some are home bound. Others even bed bound. I was there. I know what I, personally, need to do to keep myself from going back. This is what I can share with you.
It is not a cure all. Every journey with this serious neurological illness will be different. One thing sufferers will see in common is an exacerbation of symptoms with physical and mental exertion. Resting is ineffective at alleviating the symptoms. Waking exhausted is the daily norm.
ME-CFS is characterized by a profound dysfunction of the regulatory control network within and between the nervous system.
This interacts with immune and endocrine systems affecting virtually all body systems cellular metabolism and ion transport.
Rosalynde Lemarchand
A Nod to Jeff Foxworthy and a List of My Own: Both of Which Are Not to be Taken Too Seriously
Instead of Jeff Foxworthy’s famous, You Might be a Redneck, let’s play You Might Have ME-CFS. Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or medical professional. This is not intended to diagnose, it is for entertainment and introductory informative purposes only. If you have any questions, talk to your doctor. Also despite the fact that I said let’s play, this will not be fun.
You Might Have ME-CFS-
If you experience severe and debilitating exhaustion on a daily basis. if you have ever been too tired to answer a simple question, to turn your head to look at someone, to get to your bed and so you lay down wherever you are, you might have ME-CFS
If you have sensitivities to noise, lights, sounds, foods, odors and chemicals, if your guts are grinding and your brain is buzzing, your limbs are cramping, your eyes are tingling and your muscles are spasming and your extremities are numb, you might have ME-CFS
If your body overreacts to temperature changes, if the cold makes you convulse and the heat makes you nauseous and you get stuck feeling one or the other, then back and forth with no sense of order or balance, if your skin feels like a million pin pricks with each change in temperature, you might have ME-CFS
If you experience daily unexplained pain in your muscles and joints, if you have muscle weakness and reoccurring headaches, if you wonder what you will do when you are 80 since your body feels like it has aged 10 years in the last year, you might have ME-CFS
If you have brain fog to the point that it is often embarrassing and off-putting in a conversation, if you constantly struggle for the right word, forget the names of your friends, and lose track of what you were going to say every, single, time, you might have ME-CFS
If you struggle through exhaustion all day and then equally struggle to get to sleep and stay asleep all night, if you have night sweats and chills, if you have extra pajamas by your bed, just in case you sweat through the first round, you might have ME-CFS
If you struggle with lymphatic fluid blocks and swollen or tender lymph nodes, if you know the spots to massage and what to leave alone, if you struggle with nasal passages staying clear and swollen glands, you might have ME-CFS
Pretend You Have ME-CFS: The Hilariously Not Funny Guide
The symptoms are one thing, how they dismantle our lives is another. I have a different list in my other post on ME. Here is a new list of how to duplicate the feeling of having ME for anyone that wants to know. Like a partner trying on a pregnancy suit to find empathy for their expectant wife. Here we go. How to replicate the symptoms of ME-CFS:
drink a bottle of wine and all the espressos you can hold (I don’t drink either but you get the point, something to make you sleepy and something to keep you up for 3 days straight)
dump a load of rocks onto your bed and lie down
have someone lay multiple weighted blankets on you
invite someone with the flu virus to cough in your face and wait for that to take effect
call on a friend with a toddler to jump all over you, especially directly on your joints
inject your muscles with lactic acid until it feels your limbs will fall through the mattress with dead weight
ensure you have live bare wires placed around you, the shocks you get will be equivalent to the body shocks we are so fond of
have someone dump all the ice cubes they can find on and around you, touching your bare skin until the sensation of pin pricks starts, then have someone prick you with pins, small pins are fine
turn on all the florescent lights and place them directly over your eyes, no blinking!
Lastly, have your niece that is learning violin over to practice directly by your ear
Chronic illness is tricky. People don’t know what to say. When someone has an illness that they beat, they are applauded for their ability to overcome. As they should be! When someone dies, we remember them for their strength to the end. As we should! But in chronic illness, people ask if you are better yet. What will the doctors do? As though you haven’t tried everything. They look for improvement and see none and wonder when you will start trying.
I’m Not Tired, Just in a Long-Term Relationship With my Bed!
Recherche WomenSome women are made
of steel, stones, tears,
dust, bones and scars
Others are made of books, music,
rainfall, stardust, moonlight,
flowers, daydreams
And wild adventures.
The rare ones are made of both.
-Omoehi Ehixojie
Just because the past is painful, doesn’t mean the future will be.
-Meet the Robinsons
Forest Therapy: The Only Time Talking to Trees Isn’t Considered Crazy
I need to be alone for certain periods of time or I violate my own rhythm.
-Lee Krasner
My way through. Forest therapy. I don’t openly share the invitations that I use in my forest therapy practice. They are what I use when I take individuals or groups on walks. There is an added benefit to utilizing silence, meditation and the many practices I have to offer.
Click to my How To Get in Touch page to reach out if you have any questions. If you’d like to know when my walks get scheduled, follow me on social media. Search sunbeam acres on Instagram, Facebook and X.
Tickling All Five Senses for a Brilliant Nature Connection Adventure
Engaging all five senses is tantamount to the forest therapy walk. Enlist your eyes, ears, nose, fingers, and taste buds to join you. Following is an example of how that looks.
Sight- (this one is easy, you can look at a book of nature to get that, but you are missing four other senses when that is all you have) take time in nature to notice what is around you, the colors, the shapes, the relationship between the forest and fauna.
Sound- the birds are singing their songs, we can hear the breeze, what else do you hear, listen for what is near, and then further and further away, then nearer and nearer
Smell- what trees are near, do they have a scent, is there mud or dirt, decaying wood, pinpoint different scents and then how would you describe the overall scent of this space in nature
Touch- a variety of textures are accessible in any space in nature, the bark of the tree and any body of water nearby are what come to mind first, what else is handy, a ladybug to crawl on your hand, a light brush over a patch of grass, toes digging into the sand or dirt, what else
Taste- this one can be tricky, lots of forest therapists bring a thermos of hot water and add bits of the forest to use in a tea ceremony at the completion of the forest therapy walk, make sure you know what you are putting in if you decide to go this route, only use what you are very familiar with, some of the places I go have Saskatoon berries or honeysuckle (just don’t eat their berries) use what you know and learn more about what is safe in your area, you can always bring a snack from home to engage this sense while on your forest bathing walk
It’s Not Woo Woo: It’s Science, Just with a Side of Quirk!
Connecting with the forest through all these and more sense helps me to balance a nervous system. And that is not an easy feat with my life! I promise you it is worth feeling a little quirky at first. For those that think this is alternative medicine linked to the supernatural. Let me assure you, it is no such thing. The science behind the practice is proving the benefits.
If you’d like to look at a couple of those scientific studies:
👉🏼Here is one that shows how woodland sounds help with relaxation more than meditation apps.
👉🏼Another on how the sounds of nature relax our bodies and help them go from fight-or-flight to rest-and-digest mode.
These studies are copied from Forest Bathing Central You can head to their page to find a monster list of the research they’ve compiled on the physical, emotional and mental effects of forest bathing. Forest Bathing Central check them out!
Ralph Waldo Emerson knew where it was at. He was a forest therapist long before it was a term. Check this out, he said:
Few people know how to take a walk. The qualifications are endurance, plain clothes, old shoes, an eye for nature, good humor, vast curiosity, good speech, good silence and nothing too much.
I’d go for a walk with him any day. Take care my friends. Watch out for the icy patch!
I have loved her my little wanderer, with a mind full of wild forests and eyes that await adventures.
-Connie Cernik
We Are Nature
Have you ever considered how closely connected we are to nature? We have only to look at the pictures below to tap into that relationship. What does this awareness do for our psyche through the months of snow? Darkness and cold are the norm in places like Saskatchewan. We can fall into bouts of depression if we are not aware. We must also be willing to do something about it. Something as seemingly insignificant as looking at the next images can invite more positive vibes.
Lungs and trees, eyes and roots, tree branches and placenta, leaf veins and human veins and a network of rivers. We are nature and nature is in us. We are created to gain from this connection. How can you connect in the winter months? Choose your space and length of time wisely. When you have time to go, consider these images and find more connections between your body and nature.
A Flare of a Week
This has been a week. One of those. You know the kind. I find it hard to think with any depth. I read but it goes in one eye and out the other. The more I strain to discern the more fuzzy my brain feels. I am drawn to images more than words. If you could match your week to an image, what image would it be? Add your image in the comments!
This has been my week. Shout out to @giselledekel for the apt illustrations. They define what I am feeling. What I can’t put it into words. As far as I know, Giselle did not intend to portray chronic fatigue and pain. And yet, in my estimation, she nailed it.
Make it stop. I will do anything to make the pain stop.
Actual footage of me going to get a drink.
When one is stuck in bed for any length of time the positions into which one gets range widely. Having been stuck in bed for two days myself I think I will lose my mind soon. My body craves movement but I have a joint stuck out in my lower back. The muscles spasm after sitting or standing for a few minutes. What does one do when what the body needs in one way contradict what is needed in another?
Me by noon if I got one on at all.
Sometimes all one needs is a little ‘spring’. Don’t worry, spring will come again.
Constant. fog. Can’t focus. What was I saying? Where am I going? Why did I come in here?
The question is, how much do I actually need to pee? Is this an emergency or can it wait till tomorrow? I’ll wait.
Too tired to get out of bed to grab the cord. In chronic illness this is not laziness, this is of necessity.
Come on, Pam. We have to do the things. ‘Coming!’
You are doing better than you know.
Sometimes I feel useless because I compare my day to someone who is not struggling with chronic illness. I think showing up daily means giving 100%. But 100% is going to look different on different days. Maybe one day will be spent taking care of myself, the next resting, the next a combination of the two. And maybe that’s ok.
When I have a week like this one, I need to remember something important. Where there is a flare up, there is also a flare down. These symptoms will subside. Like Mumford and Sons suggest, I can learn to love the skies I’m under. Despite how dim those skies appear at times.
Beware the Weight
What are you carrying under your dim skies? We all carry something. Is it necessary to carry that weight? Some weight is. But other weight is bigger and heavier than we were meant to bear. Are you carrying a mountain that you were supposed to climb instead? Be in tune to the weight you carry. Weight is what helps us grow and get stronger. But it is also what squishes us. We will be more successful in all areas of life if we are open to putting unnecessary weight down. What can you put down to lighten your load this season?
Is your definition of success and your current inability to achieve it an extra weight you can put down? There are times I need to be reminded that my success will be different from that of others. Maybe my success is what I have become as I seek to regulate my nervous system. Maybe the only needed success at this time is not to compare myself to others. Creating a life that is mine. Having genuine and close relationships. The ability to heal from past mistakes. Setting and expecting boundaries to be kept. Knowing my own worth. Knowing how to show up for myself. Speaking kindly to myself. And knowing when and how to let go. Not abilities highly sought after these days. Yet in terms of growth these traits are far from inconsequential.
Having Fun this Christmas Season
Despite the weight and the hard days, there are still opportunities to have fun this Christmas season. Though as C.S. Lewis said,
Have fun, even if it’s not the same kind of fun everyone else is having.
I don’t always know what will add to my fun. But I understand that certain types of fun are difficult for my body. Trying to have such fun will not add to my enjoyment in the long run. This can be difficult and lead to feelings of abandonment and depression.
But there is a type of fun that will work for everyone. It will look different for each person but we start with the same questions. Gabrielle Roth explains that in many shamanic societies, a medicine person would ask one of four questions if you complain of being depressed. The first question is, when did you stop dancing? Second, When did you stop singing? Next, When did you stop being enchanted by stories? And finally, When did you stop finding comfort in the sweet territory of silence?
So this Christmas season, have fun and keep dancing (literally or figuratively). Sing, find enchantment in stories, and find comfort in silence. Find time for novalunosis- the state of relaxation and wonderment experienced while gazing upon the stars. I love stars.
Adopt a slower pace and own it.
Survival
When each day feels like I am barely surviving I start to feel so small. As though there is so much going on in the world and I am missing it all. I am falling behind and being forgotten. I am a moot point. What can I offer the world from my bed? Then I remember these words by Brene Brown.
One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else’s survival guide.
I do not write to complain or to invite sympathy, I show my scars so that others can heal.
The Power of Love
This time of year we start to think of our favorite things. We make lists of what to get and what to give. If you were to list all of the things you love, how long would it take to name yourself? There is a power in loving yourself. Not a prideful love but a quiet knowing and enjoying. Maybe it’s something we can all work on in the new year.
In my journey of wellness through forest therapy I am finding the real me. Would you like to do the same? Would you like these words to be said of you?
She was powerful not because she wasn’t scared but because she went on so strongly despite the fear.
-Atticus Poetry
In Conclusion
We are nature. Recognize the connections in your short and sweet forest time. When you have a week like mine, success will look different. Check that the weight you are carrying is of worth to you. Keep having fun, dancing, singing and finding enchantment. Find wonder in the stars. Allow yourself to move slower this season instead of faster. You are wintering. Do not feel small in your trials, you are going to be the way out for someone else. On a list of things you love, make sure your name is close to the top. Find yourself and your strength despite the fear.
The trees know about the winter. About the change. About the falling. About the loss. And they grow anyway, What’s your excuse?
SUNBEAM ACRES 