Author: pammunkholm

Forest bathing guide 🌲 and collector of chronic illnesses 🤷‍♀️

The Impact of Self Compassion and Forest Therapy on Chronic Illness

pammunkholm

Blooms break forth from the startled earth. The sky laughs. The trees, abashed, dress themselves in verdant green.

-Rick Yancey

Embracing Your Inner Warrior and Cuddle Bug

Have you heard of fierce self compassion? I have been reading Dr. Kristin Neff’s books. I have learned enough that I think I can convey some of what she teaches. In her research on self compassion, Dr. Neff has become the expert in her field. She has an innate ability to speak to the individual. In a way that is both calming and empowering. I highly recommend her as an author. Her work can be found at self-compassion.org. Stick around to learn about self compassion. And to answer these questions: Why is self compassion significant in healing chronic pain? And how is forest therapy a good support for this type of practice?

Do you know anyone that would gain from a lesson in self compassion? Share this post with them. Hook them up with my social media. And then plan to attend a forest therapy walk together with them in the next week or two. We are so close 😄! Click below to see what forest therapy walks are available so you are ready to book.

forest therapy walks

Nurturing Self-Compassion Through Sensory Awareness

Self compassion comes in many forms. Tactile- running your fingers along the back on your arms, getting the right temperature, pressure from a weighted blanket. Something fuzzy or squishy. Visual- lower the lights in the evening and in a bath, candle light. playing with colors. Auditory- listen to the music or nature sounds that lift your soul. Olfactory- what EO scent helps you feel balanced. Gustatory- a multitude of options from water to ice cream to tea, find what fills this sense for you. In filling these needs for myself, I have noticed a growing sense of self compassion. And it has been a support to me in healing all things chronic.

Note: to me, healing and cure are not the same. healing gets me to a place of functioning. i do not expect a cure in this life. but i would take one if offered. healing takes time. and doing the right stuff. that’s what i’m talking about here.

Another sense that I didn’t realize existed until recently. And I really didn’t pay any attention to it at all. Is interoception. That is my ability to understand the signals my body is giving me internally. For example, hunger, thirst, feeling full, relaxing tense muscles and calming a racing heart. I ignored my interoception signals as a mom of young boys. I prided myself on being able to hold a full bladder all day. Getting to the end of a day and realizing I hadn’t eaten anything. Or had anything to drink. I had to train this sense to be felt again. I had tucked it away but it is important to the overall health and function of my body.

Bursting at the Seams: The Threat of Overcapacity

Another internal neighborhood watch, if you will, is paying attention to my capacity. Knowing it is less at this stage of my life. At home. I only need to take care of myself, I still have a capacity to take on more. I add my family and my home. I am getting up there but all is still well. I add service and church responsibilities. Almost at capacity. Once I hit capacity, I experience emotions like overwhelm. Irritability. Exhaustion. Anxiety.

To decrease the overflowing emotions I can stop taking on anything else until things normalize. I can take a close look at what I have taken on and get rid of non-essentials. I can find the people that have a capacity to support me. Hand them some of what is making me overflow. I can look at specific issues that are in the overflow and problem solve how to manage them. What is in my control and what should I do to have a positive influence on those things? Through it all I speak kindly to myself which also keeps the capacity from boiling over.

Achieving Balance: Three Wins for Success

Dr. Neff’s research has proven that to thrive and find a sense of wholeness in our lives. We need to find a balance between tender and fierce self compassion. In our tender compassion. We recognize that in accepting ourselves, we alleviate our own suffering. This type of compassion leads to inner healing. Our fierce self compassion alternatively, provides a springboard for taking action. We draw boundaries by learning when to say no. We recognize our needs and learn where to say yes. We are motivated in our growth to reach out and have an impact on our world and those around us. This type of change leads to outer healing. It all starts with that balance between tender and fierce self compassion.

Self compassion includes finding ways to meet our own individual needs. To provide for our needs we should set up our day to experience at least three wins. A physical, a mental and a spiritual win.

A physical win can look like a forest therapy walk! Drinking enough water. Eating nourishing meals and getting enough sleep. Deep breathing.

Mental wins can look like reading a book that inspires or educates you. Writing in your journal. Organize an uplifting playlist and enjoy. Or catch up on a podcast or TED talk that can get you to your next level. And here again we can list forest therapy as a mental win. Declutter a space or meditate to clear up some head space.

Spiritual wins are my favorite. Praying or setting intentions for the day. Hey, wouldn’t ya know, a forest therapy walk and spending time enjoying and appreciating nature also hits a spiritual win! Reflect at the end of your days.

The Power of Self-Compassion in the Chronic Illness World: A Gentle Uprising

Not Okay

I am not okay today. 
So, in the absence of okay, 
what can I be?
I can be gentle.
I can be unashamed.
I can turn my pain into connection.
I can be a student of stillness.
I can be awake to nature.
I can sharpen my empathy
against the stone of my discomfort.

I am not okay.
but I am many worthy things. 

-Jarod K Anderson (the CryptoNaturalist)

Some nights, the soul weeps louder than the eyes ever could.

-Edgar Allan Poe

There is a weird phenomenon in the world of the chronically ill. It is the place of the in between. A place between too sick to function and not sick enough to get support. You almost puke but you don’t. Your muscles cramp so bad you almost can’t stand. But you can. You always have pain but it’s not always awful. There is no surgery that will fix it. There is no research being done on it. Because there is a lack of belief that this exists. You forget EVERYTHING, but everyone is forgetful. Your BP is low but not low enough to treat it. Your anxiety is high but they say just manage it. You want answers but doctors don’t think there is one. Have you ever wished you were more sick so you at least have the benefit of a desire for understanding?

Self compassion here says I am just the right amount. For today. I am sick and I can rest even if others don’t understand. I won’t puke but my nausea is enough to be gentle with myself. When my muscles cramp I will take care of them. When there is pain, no matter the level, I will not be upset. I can be tender and inquisitive.

☝🏼 A close look at how symptoms can come out of nowhere and knock you off the couch. ☝🏼

I DON'T LOOK SICK

I DON'T LOOK SICK, but my legs will often feel like wet spaghetti and will go numb and give out on me without warning.

I DON'T LOOK SICK, but I live with an intense deep exhaustion that makes every movement feel like I'm trying to move at the bottom of the ocean.

I DON'T LOOK SICK, but I suffer from an extremely sensitive heat intolerance that makes me feel light headed, ill and faint even in what feels like a normal room temperature to you. 

I DON'T LOOK SICK, but my nerves often give me "phantom itches" that make me scratch myself raw at an itch that doesn't actually exist.

I DON'T LOOK SICK, but inside, my bones often feel like someone is using a jackhammer on them, especially during a change in weather.

I DON'T LOOK SICK, but if anything, even something little, stresses or worries me, my body rebels and symptoms flare up just for the fun of it.

I DON'T LOOK SICK, but it's extremely difficult for me to concentrate on anything, and as a result my memory suffers drastically.

I DON'T LOOK SICK, but the simplest tasks can take me 5 times longer and takes 5 times as much energy to finish that a "normal" person.

I DON'T LOOK SICK, but you'll never know the struggle beneath the surface.

I have been dealing with chronic pain for a while now. There have been weeks where all I could do was lay down. That leaves a lot of time for thinking. I know my thoughts can create my reality. So I want to be careful with them. Since learning this painful lesson I have seen my life blossom as a result.

Over the last few years I have seen my tears turn to blossoms of understanding. Self compassion and holding a space for myself at all of the stages of healing has been critical. At times I can look back and see tender self compassion. When the tears would flow. And I would be okay with it. I would not hold back. Other times I can see evident in my behavior the fierce self compassion that Dr. Neff talks about. Where I learned to set boundaries and how to recognize my own needs. To act for my own best outcome.

In motu, veritas: blooms after the storm. When have you experienced this type of growth?

When all I can see ahead are endless days of pain, I need to take a step back. I know in those times I am getting lost in the weeds of my thoughts. I find a better look out spot and get a sense of what is important. What is true. What is helpful. And the rest is weeded out. This is most likely to happen when I have not set myself as the priority and I need to recalibrate. Self compassion is the key to start the process.

I hope you find time to be happy. Not just strong.

-Louise Kaufman

Life with chronic pain is demanding. But with a combination of fierce and tender self compassion, balance is restored and hope is renewed.

So many days can feel like a struggle. Remember to find something to laugh about and someone to laugh with.

Maybe you could give me a hug and slowly loosen your hold and then you could tell me what my blood pressure is.

I just had a discussion with a friend the other day. We both excelled in school. Yet we struggle in life. Due to chronic illness. We had such high hopes being that we read significantly higher than our grade level. Surely that’s the number one marker for success in later life. This is regrettably not the case. Well that’s a fine how do you do!

The Wonder of Forest Therapy: A New Edge on Chronic Illness Relief

I love the idea of collecting sunsets. In a jar! What can you collect in your forest therapy this season? Campfire collection. Rainbow collection. Starlight collection. Wildlife collection. You can take a mental picture. Sketch it in a journal. Take an actual photograph or video. It does not need to be posted on social media to make it valid. This is your collection. Find what works for you.

When we go for a forest walk together I can offer invitations such as the following.

  • Forest bathe at sunrise or sunset. Find a good perch and invite the sun into the day. Or tuck it into bed at night.
  • Bring your journal and sketch any signs of spring that you see.
  • Dedicate a part of your walk to gratitude, what do you see on your walk that gives you a sense of gratitude

SUSURROUS (adj)- full of whispering sounds

Can you find a susurrous space that enhances your forest experience?

Personal Benefits of Forest Therapy and Self Compassion

I can not put into words the how or the why of forest therapy for pain relief and chronic illness. I can direct you to the work of Kristin Neff for the how and why of self compassion. And I can speak by experience that I am getting my life back as I practice both. As I learn and practice forest therapy. Is it worth the effort for you to try it? Perhaps you will get your life back too.

As we practice compassion for ourselves remember to be kind to one another. We never know what the other is going through. As women, our bodies and our brains go through a lot. Chronic illness, pain and fatigue are a lot. And we all have that one chin hair that we are locked in a lifelong skirmish with. Give each other grace. Enjoy the tale of this Grace 👇🏼 and her way to self compassion. And remember to laugh! Have a great week my chronic comrades!

What’s in a Flare?: A Pain Like No Other

pammunkholm

Pain never arrives alone. It always brings with it strength and resilience.

-often attributed to Maya Angelou

I am in a flare. My latest fall, leading to my latest physio adjustment has me looking for the knot to untangle my insides. It is not stress. I do not just need to go for a walk. In adjusting some joints back to their intended position we uncovered the really ugly spots. But not until a couple of days after I left the appointment. So now I wait. While the flare moves through my system and interrupts my life.

I expect to be out on the trail as soon as this flare passes. There are some bio-mechanical issues to be sorted out. Then I can show those who are interested in booking a forest therapy walk, what we’ve been discussing here. Follow me on social media. And subscribe to the blog to be the first to know when booking is available. I am so excited to show you what this is all about!

What to Expect on the Blog:

What is a flare? How can you support yourself or another person in calming a flare? and How can forest therapy help? These are the questions we will be exploring together on the blog today.

Pain Flares: When Your Body Goes Off Script!

Flares comes in all shapes and sizes and for so many reasons. @ferociousfighters defines a flare as “A sudden exasperation of a disease. Different from the day to day variation of symptoms that patients with chronic illnesses experience and is characterized as large and rapid increase in a patient’s symptoms.

Flares can be triggered by physical stress, psychological stress. Traveling or other schedule changes. A change in the weather or medication. A common illness, interrupted sleep. Overexertion.

A description of nitroglycerin comes to mind. “Unfortunately, nitroglycerin was unstable. If you dropped it from a small height, it’d blow up. If it got too hot, it’d blow up. If it got too cold, it’d blow up. Even placed in a cool, dark room and left alone, it’d eventually blow up” (Elder Dale G Renlund). I am nitroglycerin. I always end up blowing up into a flare. Despite my greatest efforts. My chronic comrades will relate.

Sometimes there is a reason. Sometimes it is totally uncalled for.

The Not-So-Amusing Tale of My Not-So-Epic Fall

This time, I triggered the pain by a fall, which is causing a flare of so many symptoms. In sharing this experience, I do not seek your sympathy. But your understanding for all those who suffer.

This is how my flare looks this time. It all started with a “minor” slip on March 17th. I was taking my grandson for a walk in his wagon. It was a day that had a skiff of snow on top of the melting ice. I should have known better.

Suddenly I was on the ground. I knew instantly that I would need an adjustment. Joints had definitely shifted. James waited patiently. I’m sure he wondered what game we were playing.

During the first wait to see my physiotherapist, my pain level stayed around a 4. During the evenings and the worst of it I was up to a 7. I saw my wonderful physio and she adjusted a few areas.

Unfortunately, I missed a spot that needed adjusting. It’s difficult to sense it all until all the joints settle into place from the main adjustment. I share all this to say, since I realized something was not right since that adjustment. I have been living at a 7 and getting up to a 9. The discomfort is one thing. What it does to my body is what triggered my flare.

This is my layman’s understanding. My little stabilizer muscles are working overtime to hold me upright. The muscles that are supposed to be doing that job are stabilizing joints that are not set correctly. I have a constant headache while I write. Something is pulling on the back of my neck.

The Empty Plate: A Restaurant Running on Fumes!

Let’s say my body is a restaurant. All of my joints are my employees. The joints that have settled incorrectly, all those employees have called in sick. They are just trying to hold their own little spot together. So now I have multiple areas that aren’t doing their job. The rest of the employees are left to try to hold the restaurant together. As it goes on and on the strain and exhaustion on those few employees that are left builds.

While this is happening in my muscles, my easily overwhelmed nerves are taking some of the fallout. All of the upset clients coming out of the restaurant are complaining to them, if you will. (Me: okay nerves I’m going to need you to take some of the strain. My nerves: (crying, laughing, then igniting the nitro) Me: 😳😑)

The restaurant looks fine. The tables are set as though all is well. Meanwhile this is happening:

Window of Tolerance: The Fine Line Between Zen and Zany!

I expect all of us are familiar with the window of tolerance. There is a space where I am emotionally secure. Triggers come and go but with self acceptance and emotional resilience, I am okay. I can stay comfortable within that window. When I go over that window of tolerance, I am hyper aroused. I feel as though I will explode like a volcano. When I go under my window of tolerance, I am hypo aroused. I feel down and depressed.

When I am in a flare, that window of tolerance is very small. I am easily over aroused by sounds and lights. I like my slow times of the day that help me focus. I am also easily dragged down by my thoughts. I think of all the things I could be doing if I were well. I see others living their dream and I want to live mine. Knowing this window of tolerance is small and taking care of myself, becomes indispensable during a flare.

I Need a Nap So Bad, I’m Already Tired Tomorrow

Last week I described different types of sad. Here are some different types of tired. Can anyone relate? Beat, I just want to sleep all the time. Drained, my thoughts and energy leak out of me like a leaky faucet. Apathetic, it becomes really hard to care about the needs of others. Frazzled, when I can only feel buzzing and everything needs to stop. Broken, too tired to do anything but not so tired that I don’t miss the things I could be doing. Wiped, when there is nothing left of me. Zonked, can I repeat what I just said? No, I have no idea what we were talking about. Burned out, I am crispy and short with others around me.

How to Pamper Yourself When Life Throws a Flare!

During a flare. Take care of you. Whatever feels right. Cold or heat. Being propped up with blankets or going for a walk. Find the right balance for this time. I’d love to be out and enjoying this actual spring-like weather today. But for now, inside is the place to be. But I am loving seeing the blue sky through my window and feeling the sunlight.

It is important that the right people know what you are going through. Your people will be there to support you. Let them know what you need. Do not cover up pain with those people. There are levels of okay and not okay. Stay in tune to your body and in touch with your people. “I am currently eggshell-fine. Doing okay but easily crushed.”

Wear the right clothes. Eat the foods that will nourish and that are easy to prepare. Take time for doing nothing. Where your body can speak to you. Wear the slippers. Say the affirmations. Sleeeep. And then sleep some more.

Your worth does not change with what you can or cannot do. Your worth is and always has been great. Even if your house is covered in dog hair. Even if your meals are subpar at best lately. Your tired body is worthy. Your misfiring brain is worthy. Your yearning heart is worthy. You have worth. No matter what you can and cannot do. Truth be told. That may be more of a pep talk for me than anyone else.

What do you have in your flare basket? Mine has fuzzy blankets. My housecoat. Slippers. Essential oils. Tea. My Spotify flare playlist. An eye mask. Noise canceling headphones. Epsom salts. Snacks. Water. Pain killers. And the all important hair ties. Full disclosure, I have no basket. But this is what would be in it if I were to make one. What am I missing?

As we discuss ways to move through a flare, I find this graphic very helpful. See if it speaks to you:

Branching Out: Forest Therapy for Flare Relief

How can forest therapy help? I don’t know about the rest of you but I want to live this lady’s life. Wrap me up and set me by the water. With my bare feet on the sand and the sun on my face. Feeling the steady lapping of the waves as I watch them roll in. This is healing.

It doesn’t take much to get a lot out of nature. Her gift is freely given with love. During your own flare. Or when supporting someone in a flare. When struggling with any number of life’s conundrums, find a space in nature. Take time to be quiet. Time to be still. There are multiple exercises that I can lead you through when you join me. This enhances the support and healing of nature.

BRIVET (British)- to wander an area or look through items without purpose, often in a sneaky way.

With me or on your own, find your space in nature. Use all five senses to connect. Breathe deeply. Find your center. Relax. Bare skin to the earth. Sense the vibrancy and wonder.

This is Forest Therapy!

Soak your life
with wildflowers 
and rivers.

Breathe in honey
and the moon.

Bring in softness
wherever you can. 

Softness can carry you 
over the sharpest
of grounds. 

Like wind and water.

-Victoria Ericson

How to Transform Mindset for Better Living With Chronic Pain

pammunkholm

and she gracefully danced on the fine line between a hard mind and a soft heart.

“Pick up the slack!” These words went through my mind as I was trying to make my hands work. They are getting slower and tighter these days. During my latest fall one hand took the brunt of the impact. As I tried to hold the vacuum and quickly do the job, I got frustrated.

What is slacking? It is careless, negligent, sluggish. Am I really slacking? I pictured saying the same thing to my grandson as he tried his best to get his work done. It made me so sad thinking of saying it to him. Especially if he is trying hard. That could be damaging to his self esteem. So why would I even have this as a passing thought to myself?

Where does your brain go next when you are in a similar spot? Does it try to speak kindly to you like you would a small child you love? To support and put tools in place to garner success for the future? I know. I didn’t used to do that either. But after an intensive series of unfortunate events. I felt I had no other choice but to learn how to build and support a healthy mindset. That is what we will discuss in the blog today. Some of those tools I have learned to use, in managing and living with chronic everything. I have far from the worst diagnosis, but this is my story.

Have you checked out my social media lately? I post something to my Facebook/ Instagram and X everyday (except Sundays). This snow we are getting in Saskatoon is not helping us get closer to trail time. But forest therapy time will come. And this is where I will post my schedule for forest therapy walks. In the meantime, follow me on X to see daily, different reasons why I practice forest therapy. And on my Facebook/ Instagram I post reminders of the blog. As well as other quotes and pictures that will support you in seeking a connection with the forest. Especially when it comes to chronic conditions, pain and fatigue.

Instagram
Facebook
X

Hit Pause on Your Brain: Put it in Timeout

Have you heard of the power of the pause? When you respond to stimuli instantly, you react by instinct. Unless you recognize the power of the pause.

We all have triggers. Those things that send us into base instinct mode. But if we train our brains to pause. We can have power over our thoughts, and thereby our emotions, leading to power over our outcomes.

Triggers without the pause lead to unwanted outcomes. Triggers, followed by a pause will hopefully lead to more favorable responses.

What to do with the pause? There are different options. Or you can do a combination. Find what works for you and use the power of the pause. You can count to ten. Or count backwards from 100 going down by 7. You can connect to your senses by naming three things you can see. Three things you can touch Three things you can smell. And three things you can hear in your immediate surroundings. You can label any emotions going through your body. How do they feel? Ground yourself by thinking big perspective.

The power of the pause is mighty. When you find the way that works for you and use it consistently. The path it starts, becomes a crevice. Where your pause is your superpower. To stay in your own, genuine energy.

When you find yourself unable to manage tasks that used to be a breeze. When the daily routine has to change, again. To cope. And to make things more functional. The brain can take this chance to destroy your peace. Will you allow those thoughts to drag you down? Or can you practice with the power of the pause?

☝🏼 Also remember this ☝🏼 we are going to need practice this ☝🏼 it is not a one and done.

Mushroom Wisdom: The Fungi You Never Knew You Needed

Today let’s take some advice from a mushroom 🍄. Here are my top five ✋🏼 life lessons from a mushroom 🍄.

  1. Do your best work when nobody is looking. Keep a low profile. Mushrooms suddenly appear. Or they seem to. They do most of their work under the ground. Then they pop open as though they’d been there all along. Work on your own and know when to pop up and share. Silence the inner commentary of what others will think of you or your work.
  2. Support the ones around you. Mushrooms work in a community. Through their branching network, all the fungi support and provide nutrients to each other. We have become less of a community in recent years. I find supportive community is vital to my healthy brain narratives.
  3. I am not just what you see. By the same token, I know that what I see of others is not the whole story. There is more depth to all of us. Especially those of us who live down to earth. When I give others room to improve. Knowing there is more to them than meets the eye, I give myself more room for improvement. When I have this space, my brain isn’t as restrained for quick fixes.
  4. Flourish even in the dark. Mushrooms thrive in dark corners. I have lived in dark spaces. Literally and figuratively speaking. On occasion, that’s where I needed to be. Other times it’s where I chose to be. But even in those times of darkness, there was a spark of life. And that helped me see the importance of kind self talk.
  5. Communication is key. This comes with the community in #2. We know when to keep the low profile of #1 and when to bring in the community of #2. We give support and nutrients to one another. In this arena we want to stay open to what others have to say. Use the power of the pause. Build skills starting from a ground up perspective. When my self talk is healthy, I use more effective spoken language when communicating with others.
Taken by my friend Amanda 📷@soulfullifebyamanda in
British Columbia, Canada

Joyful Words: For The Purpose of the Conversation

VORFREUDE- (German) joyful , intense anticipation that comes from imagining future pleasures.

Can you bring some Vorfreude into your life to quiet and calm the unhealthy brain talk? Focusing on future joys, at times can bring us out of those darker places.

Amygdala Hack: When Overreacting Has Become Your Go-To

Another powerful trick is the amygdala hijack. The amygdala is responsible for such brain functions as emotional processing. Emotional memories (a more vivid memory, often related to fear or trauma). Social cues which contribute to social behavior and anxiety. And finally, motivation and reward. It’s an important little almond shaped portion of the brain.

Think of your brain as a fist. Your thumb inside your fist is the amygdala. Your fingers wrapped around the thumb are your prefrontal cortex.

When you have a big emotion, your brain puts the amygdala in charge. This is not good news. We turn back to that kid that was traumatized until the thinking part of the brain takes control again. Turn things around by taking deep breaths. Doing so will put the prefrontal cortex back in charge. This is the part of the brain in charge of higher order cognitive functions. We want this part in control.

Mind vs. Body: A Commentary on Living Accommodations

Are you a person that lives in your head? Or lives in your body? A person that lives in their head is constantly distracted. Focused on the future and worried about it. Focused on the past and about everything that went wrong. They have racing thoughts. They are so preoccupied with what isn’t happening, they run on autopilot for what is. The same thoughts come in and out like a revolving door. Does this sound like you?

By contrast, living in your body looks like being connected to the world around you. You are open to new experiences and growth. You are grounded. You can exist in the present moment. You live with intention. You use the power of the pause. You are willing to let go of what no longer serves you.

And yet I still find myself here 👆🏼 . Where I am out of my comfort zone while going about regular life. I think it’s okay to recognize the stretch. As long as we keep doing the things.🤷🏼‍♀️ What do you think? Go ahead and add your thoughts to the comments.

We all have a comfort zone. I think it is good to push the boundaries within what our life and brain health can handle. I think this is growth. What do you think? Should we just respect our comfort zones as they are?

Leaf Your Worries Behind: Forest Therapy for Chatty Minds

Forest therapy is my favorite way to support my brain health. If you’ve been reading the blog. You’ll know that connecting to the forest with all your senses is a great way to find healthy brain support. Following are five more ways to up-level your forest experience:

  1. Touch interesting textures. You may have already done this. But have you touched those textures to your knees? Your nose? Your toes?
  2. Bring your dog. You’ve probably already done that. But have you walked while looking at the world through the eyes of your pet?
  3. Bring a child with you. Preferably one you know. Do not just grab a random child. This is frowned upon. All kidding aside, you’ve probably walked with a child. But have you asked them general questions about what you are seeing? How does their perspective change yours?
  4. Take a picture. You’ve probably already done this. But have you put away the phone and burned a mental snapshot? These stick. And you can pull it up anytime for peace or clarity.
  5. Look for special features that catch your eye. If you’ve been following the blog you’ve probably already done this. But have you brought along a magnifying glass and closely inspected those things that caught your eye?

Enjoy these and other invitations on a forest walk with me!

Your nervous system will naturally feel calm around people with pure intentions and authentic energy. Trust it.

-@masteringlawofattraction

Let’s Keep Our Sanity: Free Therapy Sessions Available?

Talking to people is important. Especially YOUR people. My mom just got back from her winter in Yuma, Arizona. SHE is my people. When you talk to your people, describe your feelings. This is something we always hear. But what does it actually look like?

I missed my mom but I would squish her like a bug if I sat on her lap 😉

I can describe my sad. Some days it is big and over my head. Like a big ol’ rain cloud. Overshadowing me. Some days it is small and I can hold it in the palm of my hand. But it is still there. Some days it is a light sprinkling of sad. Like a rain shower that is not drenching me but it is constant little gentle reminders of sadness. Some days it is rising up and I think it will drown me. If it keeps getting higher. Some days it is sharp. I see it coming but there is nothing I can do. Some days I am confusingly sad. Everything seems to be in order but I can’t enjoy it. Some days my sad is heavy. And when I talk to others it can feel like they are carrying it along with me. Some days my sad creeps up on me and I suddenly am in its grip. It is constricting and tight.

Can you describe your emotions? Name it. Where is it in your body? How does it feel? These tools are ways I have found to dissolve all of my sads. The sad can still be there but it’s not so concentrated. When I can talk to my people, the emotion does not turn to negative self talk.

When Chronic Pain Crashes Your Mom Life: Can I Get a Time-Out While the Kids Run Amok?

Lastly, I want to talk to my mom-era friends. It can be tough to be a mom with chronic anything. You are a hero. Just keep doing the things. Here is a list for you of what to do when you are feeling burned up and burned out.

  1. For toddlers, time them while they… anything, run laps, bring you all the spoons in the house, turn their socks inside out and put them back on
  2. Puzzles. Everyone loves a good puzzle for some sit down time.
  3. Give them a building challenge and a box of things to use for that build, then have them return and present their creation
  4. Read books, or better yet, have them read to you, any way they want
  5. Bath time, depending on the age, add a popsicle for bonus points
  6. Facetime with grandparents, etc, have them read to your littles
  7. Go for a walk or a drive, something they will enjoy and crank your music while they take in the view
  8. Look at old pictures together, or add some filters and create new goofy photos
  9. Bubbles or stickers are nice and slow
  10. Play board games on the couch

Laughter: The Best Medicine for a Sharp Mind!

To thine own self be true.

Keep Calm and Ditch the Debbie Downer Vibes!

Brains tend to be the Debbie Downer of the party. Unless managed in such a way as to bring you up. Follow these tips to take your Debbie Downer to a Sunny Susan. Or a Breezy Ben. Radiant Rachel? Optimistic Olivia. I’ll show myself out.

Here are my suggestions to you on how to manage your brain. Use the power of the pause and find a strategy that works best for you in the pause. Learn from a mushroom how to keep a low profile, support community, flourish in the dark and communicate. Find time and space for Vorfreude. Hacking your amygdala and getting back to your prefrontal cortex is a few deep, cleansing breaths away. Choose to live in your body and not just your head. The accommodations are much friendlier. Forest therapy is great. I offer you today five ways to up-level your forest therapy experience. For more ideas and to see how it all works. Join me for a forest therapy walk when the trails are clear. Get that free therapy from your closest people. Talk about your emotions to clear those thoughts that are relentlessly taking up residence in your brain. Even mom life is doable with some ideas of how to take it easy on yourself. You are in a marathon, not a sprint, use your time and energy wisely. Find times to laugh!

I would rather be among the forest animals and the sounds of nature, than among city traffic and the noise of man.

-Anthony Douglas Williams

That’s it for today. Take it easy on the trails in Saskatoon. Watch your self talk and learn to manage your brain! Until next time, chronic comrades. I leave you with these fabulous photos taken by Amanda 📷 @soulfullifebyamanda in beautiful British Columbia.

Finding Balance Through Nature: Tips to Shake Off Hover Monkeys

pammunkholm

Nature is not only all that is visible to the eye… it also includes the inner pictures of the soul.

-Edvard Munch

I was listening to the book, Spare, by Prince Harry today. It is an easy listen and more enjoyable than I expected it to be.

He writes, in regards to his training to become a helicopter pilot, about “hover monkeys”. He describes flying in a helicopter as, “one of the purest forms of flying, in many ways.” Prince Harry writes, “The first time I ascended vertical I thought, ‘I was born for this’.”

He then asserts that it was not learning to fly the helicopter that was the most difficult part. But learning to hover. He tells the reader, the harder you try to hover, the more impossible the task seems to be.

This phenomena is what is known as “hover monkeys”. When the helicopter is close to the ground, there are many factors at play. He writes how the helicopter will rock about as though there are monkeys hanging from its skids. To be able to land a helicopter safely, one must learn how to shake off those hover monkeys.

My mind quickly made connections to my experience with chronic pain. The complications that go with chronic pain, I liken to attempting to fly a helicopter. With no training. Where did all these switches come from? What do they control?

Those hover monkeys are the gremlins that take my life from a solid 5 to a wobbly 1.

Over time I have learned to live in this body. But I still struggle from time to time. I will find myself suddenly and completely off balance. Pesky hover monkeys! **shakes fist**

What are my hover monkeys? What are those things that are making me rock about as though there are too many factors at play? And the harder I try to control them, the worse the swaying about becomes! How can I shake off my hover monkeys? How can the forest help me as I search for control? Instead of frantically grasping at the controls in our helicopter analogy, how can I hold an authentic control? These are the questions I will be exploring today.

But first, if you know someone that is struggling, share this post with them. I appreciate all the love I get about the blog, in person and online. Thank you!

share this post with a friend that is struggling with hover monkeys

Prince Harry writes that he and his fellow pilots grew to hate these little hover monkey gremlins. Following are a few of the things that throw me off balance and act as my hover monkeys.

I expect all my chronic comrades will concur that hover monkeys exist. But I would be surprised if they are the same for all those who suffer. Which ones do you share with me and what would you add? Feel free to comment at the bottom of the page. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Looking fine on the outside is not an indication of how I am physically feeling.

My Hover Monkeys: The Troubles That Knock Me Off Kilter

Pretending I’m okay when I’m not. Doing something more physically demanding than my body can do. Even with close friends and family. I do this because sometimes it is easier to pretend. It is exhausting to try and explain (then defend) my condition. I feel like I’m speaking a foreign language. A language that some will question the validity of its existence. The general public does not understand the concept of feeling unwell all the time. I look fine so I don’t let on. Inevitably I do more than I should and I pay the price. In time and energy to recover. Hover monkey.

The right people need to know…

There are months at a time that I don’t go a full day pain free. It’s crazy to me that there are people out there that don’t remember a time that they were in pain! This 👆🏼 is a tiring place to live.

When I picture my exercise routine for the future those hover monkeys knock me about. The lead up to a workout is tense. ‘This is going to hurt’. The workout itself isn’t always awful. Sometimes it’s even enjoyable. But the immediate payoff is always pain. I don’t get that rush out of accomplishing something difficult. For me, the difficulty is actually coming at me like a Mack truck. Often on the way out the doors of the gym, every once in a while not until the following morning. The overall payoff to my exercise is that my muscles are strong enough to keep the joints in place. This makes the pain worth the overall gain. But what daily stares me in the face is pain. Pain for every workout till the end of time. In this, and so many areas, the future seems bleak. Hover monkey.

This is how my workouts end. There is all pain and so little gain. The negative thoughts swirl. It will never get better. Why try?

Comparing myself to others. How dare I complain when there are those who suffer worse. There are people with my condition that can’t leave their house! What do I have to complain about? I have nothing to show for the pain. Maybe I am imagining the symptoms. I am such a failure. Why are other people going to hangout when it is like 18pm? None of this is helpful thinking. Multiple hover monkeys.

Speaking of comparing, here is a chart to compare what we see and what is going on. While I relate to this. I think there are days I live in the bottom row of emojis. I am too exhausted some days to hide how heartbroken I feel about managing this chronic condition.

I am a burden to others. I slow things down. I forget all the things. ( I previously played the role of frontal lobe for the entire family!) I feel worth less now that I can’t play that role. Among others. Even on low pain days I wonder if a flare is around the corner. This affects every day and all the decisions I make. If I just tried harder. I should be successful in avoiding or ignoring the pain. This condition has affected my mental health and taken over my life. Anxiety over so many things always lingers making me hard to live with. Hover monkeys.

And one last hover monkey that’s been on my mind and on my helicopter skid lately. Grasping. I think of “season one me”. I saw something once that said, If you knew me in my 20s you knew “season one me”. We were severely underfunded and the writers were crap. (or something like that) “Season one me” would grasp at everything and everyone. Believe me! Care about me! Look at what is happening and feel bad for me! Validate me! Now I know I can do all that for myself. But like it says, “season one me” was severely underfunded. I have to remember to hold instead of grasp. I do my best to hold a space to listen first. I am learning to give the benefit of the doubt whenever possible. I share my thoughts and feelings. But if they aren’t understood or accepted by others, my self worth should remain untouched. I am learning about boundaries. And how much I can show up for others based on what I have to offer. Not based solely on their needs. I don’t chase people around to convince them of anything. I offer and hold space for what they are willing to take. This is a hover monkey I am getting under control but he still shows up every once in a while.

A Lesson in Hover Monkey Ridding: Restoring Balance

(probably because she started forest bathing)

Prince Harry writes the only way to get rid of helicopter hover monkeys is to ignore them. As such, this is where our analogy comes to an end. The earth offers healing from hover monkeys. However, we only benefit when we go out and enjoy it. Here are six different ways that I have felt the earth healing me.

  1. Among people I often put on a show, in nature I can be exactly who I am. I am accepted as I am. Including strained. Grouchy. Distressed.
  2. The sound of song birds is quite welcome at all times. But waking up to the sound of birds singing and playing is so enchanting. It starts my heart in the right mode for the day. (perhaps that is why Disney princesses keep them on standby)
  3. The trees take away my worries and subdue some pain receptors. I can sit by a tree and watch the ants work. As anxiety and angst are drained away while taking their antics in.
  4. The wind can be a nuisance. But on closer inspection it wipes clean. It carries away. It dries up and cools. When I stand in a strong wind I feel the strength it takes to counteract. I am grateful for the reminder to fight and conquer. As well as accept and welcome.
  5. I love to take in the night sky. Especially one lit by only the vast number of stars or northern lights. They remind me of the great universe and that in the immensity of it all, I am known. Loved. Numbered. This calms my often rattled nerves.
  6. And the namesake of my blog, the sunbeams take away all the dark parts. They warm. Lighting the often cloudy and dark way through pain.
I am a HELIOPHILE- (n) one attracted or adapted to sunlight.

I was walking deep in the woods, and I saw how the sunlight reached down between the trees to touch the tiny plants. We are loved more than we will ever know.

-J. Lynn, Life in Whispers

I can take lessons from an unwelcome guest in my house. A spider. One day my teenage son came upstairs to tell me about the huge spider that he saw in his room. And then he lost it. So he had to move out of that room now. I understand the sentiment. Even critters that have no place in our homes teach us handy tips if we are willing to watch closely.

  • a spider, not so beautiful in my eyes, but a spiderweb, that I can appreciate, (as long as I am not accidentally walking through it and brushing up on my ninja skills to get it off) a spiderweb is a picture of strength and beauty in the right circumstance, think of it with morning dew and the early sun glinting off of it, in the right perspective anything can be a thing of beauty and strength, even pain
  • a quiet corner is often the best place to hide, we crave times and places of calm
  • spiders molt and shed as they grow (ew), I often need to check in with myself to make sure I am not hanging on to anything that I should shed, any thoughts I have outgrown and can leave behind as I grow to bigger and better things
  • all that you need comes from inside you, where does all that webbing come from? they can produce so much of it on demand, you also have all the tools you will need to accomplish your purposes inside you and they will be available as you need them
  • there are thousands of species of spiders, don’t try and join a species where you don’t fit, find yours and thrive within

And then her body whispered, i’m not fighting against you, i’m fighting for you. In the ways you never got to. Through pain and tension, I learn to communicate the boundaries you never learned to set. Through fatigue and exhaustion, I give you the rest that you were never allowed to take. Through the headaches and brain fog, I let you know that you are doing too much. You see, I’ve always been on your side. I’m just waiting for you to be on mine.

-@lexyflorentina

Highly healing is a tree hug. While I love the idea of living in a tree house, maybe just a tree hug is better. It occurred to me what a big insult it is to a tree to build a tree house in it. I killed your buddy. Mind holding him so we can hangout?

She quietly expected great things to happen to her, and no doubt that’s one of the reasons why they did.

Zelda Fitzgerald

Life is for living
Open the windows.
Dance in the kitchen
as you cook.
Play that music loud.
Turn off the news.
Check in with someone you love.
Get some fresh air. 
Watch the beautiful show nature
is putting on for us right now.
Leave the negative online
discussions behind.
Unfollow the chaos.
Feel alive again. 

- @butterfliesandpebbles

I can shake off hover monkeys by taking in the beauty of the earth. I can allow it to heal and settle me. I can witness and learn from even an unwelcome house guest. Tree hugging is a thing and more people should do it. I can expect good things to happen instead of fearing the worst. I can live my life in the most thrilling and fulfilling way possible. I can be happy while I’m hurting. I can be happy while I am healing. All at the same time. 👇🏼 I will grasp less and focus more. 👇🏼

Your garden isn’t thriving because every time a flower blooms you cut it to prove to someone else that you’re a gardener. Focus, please.

-Jody McPhearson

Forest Therapy: No Trees, No Problem!

And now an answer to a question many people are asking. What if I don’t live near a forest? Then how do I do forest therapy? There are many ways to get a dose of forest therapy. Here are a few ideas on how to get your daily dose. And make forest therapy more accessible for those of us with no forest out our front door.

  • Garden Therapy: (in bare feet if you can) getting your hands into the soil, requiring a level of physical exertion, with time in the sunshine and grounding effects of the dirt you will feel the effects in no time
  • One tree is all you need. You can feel the revitalizing effects of grounding.
  • While I often speak in terms of being in the forest among the trees, a meadow will meet the needs of a forest bath
  • Sound bathing and meditation is another way to access the benefits of grounding, your feet don’t have to touch the earth so it’s a good alternative for us Northern dwellers in the winter
  • Aromatherapy is a way to bring the outdoors to the indoors. The authentic thing is always better but when it isn’t an option, aromatherapy is a good choice
  • Indoor plants are a good way to keep the feeling of life and vibrancy during the winter months as well

With any of the above, all you need to do is set aside time. Time where you can avoid distractions and focus on your mind and your body. Breathe. Set an intention to use this time to reset. Make physical contact with bare skin. Close your eyes and breathe some more. If it’s possible, stay here until you are centered.

Where possible, join me in our dang decent “pretend forests” in Saskatoon. And our actual beautiful forests only a short drive away. Or stay tuned on how to access the online forest therapy walks that I will post. The ones that are further away that I can bring to you!

in our bones we need the natural curves of hills.. the whisper of pines, the possibility of wildness.

-Richard Louv

Remember to share this post or my landing page with anyone that will benefit. Take care, my friends. Good luck with your hover monkeys. Identify then shed.

🌲FOREST THERAPY HELPS🌲

Embrace Nature: The Power of Forest Therapy in ME-CFS

pammunkholm

Fjellro (Norwegian)- means “mountain peace” or “a quiet place in the mountain”.

I could use some mountain peace. My diagnosis of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis- Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME-CFS) demands that I find time and places for peace. Outdoors- if at all possible. The winter months make it less than practical in Saskatchewan. But the forests and spaces of nature are melting and inviting us to join their tip toe into spring. I will explore this diagnosis and why nature is so beneficial in today’s post.

Before that, if you haven’t already,

hit that subscribe button below for forest therapy inspiration weekly
☝🏼 Me today ☝🏼

I slipped on the ice again yesterday. Just a mini whoopsy daisy that would be nothing for the average Joe. But I am me. And it is not nothing.

This has been an atrocious year for ice. This is my third fall. Every time I fall I have to put in a herculean effort to get back to where I was physically. Which also takes a toll mentally and emotionally.

It means more painful days. And harder to sleep nights. It takes weeks (sometimes months), a few physio appointments to figure out what is happening and then I fall again!

Frustration at the setback is not a strong enough word. Exasperation. Fury at myself over such a mistake. Rage at the prospect of what this means for the days, weeks and months ahead.

Faith is a bluebird we see from afar. It’s real and sure as the first evening star. You can’t touch it, or buy it, or wrap it up tight, but it’s there just the same- making things turn out right.

-The Rescuers

My ME-CFS Diagnosis: The Mystery Illness That Would Have Ruined My Social Life If I’d Had One

Such an accurate depiction. Just getting dressed feels out of reach. Taking care of kids is a stretch but worth it. Although that knocks out fitness and and career (you can’t have it all!) Plans, hopes and dreams feel too far away to try to reach.

In my last post on Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME) Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) Living with ME/CFS: A Journey Through Chronic Fatigue I explained that when broken down the term means, inflammation of the brain and spinal cord with muscle pain. After years of wondering and then months of testing, I was told the master plan was to manage the symptoms and treat the pain. Forever.

Rubatosis is a newly coined term by John Koenig. He defines it in his book “The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows”. It speaks to me because it is derived from the musical term rubato. I played piano for years. I loved songs with rubato. Rubato literally means ‘robbed time’.

When playing a piece of music that calls for rubato, the musician subtly speeds up and slows down. This ‘robs time’ from one spot and gives it to another. This inclines the ear of the listener as it is not what is expected.

Rubatosis is being aware of your own unsettled heartbeat. Sensing a nervous, irregular rhythm. Unlike the steady beat of a metronome, it feels erratic and frantic. This is one of the sensations I feel with ME. Along with that feeling of sorrow as originally intended. I sense a physically unsettled feeling that never shows up on any test. Doctors and their machines cannot find it. But the sensation persists.

From There To Here: Now What?

How does one keep fighting against such odds and thrive, not just survive this life? I believe this is where SISU can come in. I discuss sisu in another post if you want to learn more. Sisu: The Art of Thriving in Adversity.

Sisu is where perseverance and grit end. It is the second wind we find to go on. When you feel you have reached your limits, can you find your sisu? Can you meet yourself in this place of suffering and give yourself the time to grieve? And then push past your perceived limits. Those places that other people don’t have to go. Feel the frustration. And then advance. Arise. Flourish. Shine.

Also know when it is time to stop shining and go to bed. 😉

I recommend doing all you can to make your physical environment peaceful and comfortable.

Guilt-Free Zone: Moving Past Disability Guilt

Do you feel guilty about your disability? I feel like a burden on others. I see my inabilities and put aside my abilities. Let’s discuss the guilt that comes along with disabilities. Bring it out into the light so there is no shame here. You are not the only one.

  • I feel guilty when I struggle with an everyday task like walking the garbage to the trash can outside. I feel incompetent. I feel like a whiner. I feel powerless. So I do it anyway. And I slip on the frozen lake that is our driveway.
  • I feel guilty when I need to ask for help. I would rather just take care of things myself. But I have seen the repercussions in the past. It is an ongoing internal battle of pros and cons for the most menial of tasks.
  • I feel guilty for needing accommodations. My back starts to spasm when I think of sitting on an upright chair for any length of time. If I can’t recline, all the joints that are “out” have to work too hard. Little, tiny muscles are asked to do too much. And then they start to complain loudly. With inflammation and pain. But to bring a recliner camp chair with me wherever I go is demeaning. Even the super old people are fine in upright chairs. What’s the matter with me?
  • I feel guilty for needing more rest than others. It is a need I cannot ignore. I can pretend to be a “normal person” for one day. Maybe two. But then I will pay dearly for time that should have been spent resting &/or sleeping.
  • I feel guilty for quitting my job. I see others fighting through exhaustion and pain. Continuing to work. There are so many days I just want to ignore my body and join the rest of the world. Even typing that sentence makes my body react adversely.
  • And I feel guilty for not showing up. I want to be there. I want to do more. I want to see you. But my condition is not meant for this world. I have to create my own if I want to thrive.

The Vast Spectrum of Struggles: Understanding This Essentially Invisible Condition

What’s stressful about having an ‘invisible illness’ is that others expect you to have the same energy levels and stamina as people who are healthy, because you ‘look healthy’, which usually means you push your body past where you should in order to not appear ‘weak’ or ‘needy’.

-Hannah Lindgren

The symptoms and severity of this condition vary widely person to person. Some are home bound. Others even bed bound. I was there. I know what I, personally, need to do to keep myself from going back. This is what I can share with you.

It is not a cure all. Every journey with this serious neurological illness will be different. One thing sufferers will see in common is an exacerbation of symptoms with physical and mental exertion. Resting is ineffective at alleviating the symptoms. Waking exhausted is the daily norm.

ME-CFS is characterized by a profound dysfunction of the regulatory control network within and between the nervous system.

This interacts with immune and endocrine systems affecting virtually all body systems cellular metabolism and ion transport.

Rosalynde Lemarchand

A Nod to Jeff Foxworthy and a List of My Own: Both of Which Are Not to be Taken Too Seriously

Instead of Jeff Foxworthy’s famous, You Might be a Redneck, let’s play You Might Have ME-CFS. Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or medical professional. This is not intended to diagnose, it is for entertainment and introductory informative purposes only. If you have any questions, talk to your doctor. Also despite the fact that I said let’s play, this will not be fun.

You Might Have ME-CFS-

If you experience severe and debilitating exhaustion on a daily basis. if you have ever been too tired to answer a simple question, to turn your head to look at someone, to get to your bed and so you lay down wherever you are, you might have ME-CFS

If you have sensitivities to noise, lights, sounds, foods, odors and chemicals, if your guts are grinding and your brain is buzzing, your limbs are cramping, your eyes are tingling and your muscles are spasming and your extremities are numb, you might have ME-CFS

If your body overreacts to temperature changes, if the cold makes you convulse and the heat makes you nauseous and you get stuck feeling one or the other, then back and forth with no sense of order or balance, if your skin feels like a million pin pricks with each change in temperature, you might have ME-CFS

If you experience daily unexplained pain in your muscles and joints, if you have muscle weakness and reoccurring headaches, if you wonder what you will do when you are 80 since your body feels like it has aged 10 years in the last year, you might have ME-CFS

If you have brain fog to the point that it is often embarrassing and off-putting in a conversation, if you constantly struggle for the right word, forget the names of your friends, and lose track of what you were going to say every, single, time, you might have ME-CFS

If you struggle through exhaustion all day and then equally struggle to get to sleep and stay asleep all night, if you have night sweats and chills, if you have extra pajamas by your bed, just in case you sweat through the first round, you might have ME-CFS

If you struggle with lymphatic fluid blocks and swollen or tender lymph nodes, if you know the spots to massage and what to leave alone, if you struggle with nasal passages staying clear and swollen glands, you might have ME-CFS

Pretend You Have ME-CFS: The Hilariously Not Funny Guide

The symptoms are one thing, how they dismantle our lives is another. I have a different list in my other post on ME. Here is a new list of how to duplicate the feeling of having ME for anyone that wants to know. Like a partner trying on a pregnancy suit to find empathy for their expectant wife. Here we go. How to replicate the symptoms of ME-CFS:

  1. drink a bottle of wine and all the espressos you can hold (I don’t drink either but you get the point, something to make you sleepy and something to keep you up for 3 days straight)
  2. dump a load of rocks onto your bed and lie down
  3. have someone lay multiple weighted blankets on you
  4. invite someone with the flu virus to cough in your face and wait for that to take effect
  5. call on a friend with a toddler to jump all over you, especially directly on your joints
  6. inject your muscles with lactic acid until it feels your limbs will fall through the mattress with dead weight
  7. ensure you have live bare wires placed around you, the shocks you get will be equivalent to the body shocks we are so fond of
  8. have someone dump all the ice cubes they can find on and around you, touching your bare skin until the sensation of pin pricks starts, then have someone prick you with pins, small pins are fine
  9. turn on all the florescent lights and place them directly over your eyes, no blinking!
  10. Lastly, have your niece that is learning violin over to practice directly by your ear

Chronic illness is tricky. People don’t know what to say. When someone has an illness that they beat, they are applauded for their ability to overcome. As they should be! When someone dies, we remember them for their strength to the end. As we should! But in chronic illness, people ask if you are better yet. What will the doctors do? As though you haven’t tried everything. They look for improvement and see none and wonder when you will start trying.

I’m Not Tired, Just in a Long-Term Relationship With my Bed!

Recherche Women

Some women are made
of steel, stones, tears, 
dust, bones and scars
Others are made of books, music, 
rainfall, stardust, moonlight,
flowers, daydreams
And wild adventures.
The rare ones are made of both. 

-Omoehi Ehixojie

Just because the past is painful, doesn’t mean the future will be.

-Meet the Robinsons

Forest Therapy: The Only Time Talking to Trees Isn’t Considered Crazy

I need to be alone for certain periods of time or I violate my own rhythm.

-Lee Krasner

My way through. Forest therapy. I don’t openly share the invitations that I use in my forest therapy practice. They are what I use when I take individuals or groups on walks. There is an added benefit to utilizing silence, meditation and the many practices I have to offer.

Click to my How To Get in Touch page to reach out if you have any questions. If you’d like to know when my walks get scheduled, follow me on social media. Search sunbeam acres on Instagram, Facebook and X.

Tickling All Five Senses for a Brilliant Nature Connection Adventure

Engaging all five senses is tantamount to the forest therapy walk. Enlist your eyes, ears, nose, fingers, and taste buds to join you. Following is an example of how that looks.

Sight- (this one is easy, you can look at a book of nature to get that, but you are missing four other senses when that is all you have) take time in nature to notice what is around you, the colors, the shapes, the relationship between the forest and fauna.

Sound- the birds are singing their songs, we can hear the breeze, what else do you hear, listen for what is near, and then further and further away, then nearer and nearer

Smell- what trees are near, do they have a scent, is there mud or dirt, decaying wood, pinpoint different scents and then how would you describe the overall scent of this space in nature

Touch- a variety of textures are accessible in any space in nature, the bark of the tree and any body of water nearby are what come to mind first, what else is handy, a ladybug to crawl on your hand, a light brush over a patch of grass, toes digging into the sand or dirt, what else

Taste- this one can be tricky, lots of forest therapists bring a thermos of hot water and add bits of the forest to use in a tea ceremony at the completion of the forest therapy walk, make sure you know what you are putting in if you decide to go this route, only use what you are very familiar with, some of the places I go have Saskatoon berries or honeysuckle (just don’t eat their berries) use what you know and learn more about what is safe in your area, you can always bring a snack from home to engage this sense while on your forest bathing walk

It’s Not Woo Woo: It’s Science, Just with a Side of Quirk!

Connecting with the forest through all these and more sense helps me to balance a nervous system. And that is not an easy feat with my life! I promise you it is worth feeling a little quirky at first. For those that think this is alternative medicine linked to the supernatural. Let me assure you, it is no such thing. The science behind the practice is proving the benefits.

If you’d like to look at a couple of those scientific studies:

👉🏼Here is one that shows how woodland sounds help with relaxation more than meditation apps.

👉🏼Another on how the sounds of nature relax our bodies and help them go from fight-or-flight to rest-and-digest mode.

👉🏼And one more that shows the psychological and physiological benefits of forest bathing in bamboo forests.

These studies are copied from Forest Bathing Central You can head to their page to find a monster list of the research they’ve compiled on the physical, emotional and mental effects of forest bathing. Forest Bathing Central check them out!

Ralph Waldo Emerson knew where it was at. He was a forest therapist long before it was a term. Check this out, he said:

Few people know how to take a walk. The qualifications are endurance, plain clothes, old shoes, an eye for nature, good humor, vast curiosity, good speech, good silence and nothing too much.

I’d go for a walk with him any day. Take care my friends. Watch out for the icy patch!

Understanding Cortisol: Significance and Solutions

pammunkholm 
There is something infinitely
healing in the repeated refrains
of nature- the assurance
that dawn comes after night
and spring after winter
-Rachel Carson

Cortisol: Your Body’s Cheeky Stress Hormone Revealed!

Cortisol is a hormone produced by the adrenal glands in response to stress. When the body perceives a threat, the hypothalamus signals the adrenal glands to release cortisol into the bloodstream.

Today on the blog, I share how I recognize high cortisol levels in myself. I also explain what actions I take to manage life and health when it spikes. If this sounds helpful to you. Stay tuned.

Are you subscribed? I have many plans in the works. To make sure you don’t miss out on anything forest therapy and sunbeam acres, subscribe to the blog. And make sure to follow me on Facebook, Instagram and X! I am watching the trails closely. You will be the first to know when and where to book your forest therapy walk.

Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. The information I share here is meant to be helpful advice from a friend. If you have a physical ailment, see your doctor. If you have mental health concerns, talk to a mental health practitioner. This is my story. Maybe it will be helpful for you.

Cortisol is important. Levels typically rise in acute stressful situations. This helps the body in a number of ways to cope with the situation. Including increasing energy, enhancing alertness and suppressing non-essential functions.

However chronic stress can lead to prolonged elevated cortisol levels, which has a number of negative effects on the body.

There is a Native American teaching. Often attributed to Chief Tecumseh, philosopher and leader. “To survive the seasons, you must change with them.”

I am feeling the truth of these words.

When Life Decides to Take a Tailspin

My life is in constant motion. We are in another season of transition in our family. Between a husband, three kids and two grandkids, there is always something to adjust to.

Saw this somewhere. On a scale of 1 to Nature Valley granola bar, how much is your life falling apart right now?

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m at Nature Valley level. so. yeah.

Inure- to accustom to hardships, difficulty, pain, etc; toughen or harden; habituate

She can fall apart at night & still rise up in the morning. Strong women feel pain, they just don’t let it break them.

High Cortisol and Chronic Inflammation: Stressing Out Like It’s a Hobby!

Transition and change are some of my triggers. So I notice my stress level is high. Here are some of the signs I noticed in myself. Are you in the midst of this battle too?

  1. extra puffiness in my face
  2. my thin hair is thinning more quickly
  3. crazy sugar cravings
  4. supreme exhaustion
  5. irritated with everything
  6. waking up between 2-3am
  7. tense shoulder and neck muscles
Accurate depiction of me at 3 am nightly lately

When excess cortisol is present, it can affect the immune system. The lymphatic system helps manage the immune response by distributing immune cells. Which can counteract some of the immune suppressing effects of the cortisol. Chronic stress (cortisol being chronically released) weakens this system. This results in a build up of fluid and waste which should have been eliminated through the bloodstream. This can contribute to chronic inflammation and the worsening of stress related issues.

At least that’s what ChatGPT told me. I know how it affects me. I don’t understand all the science. Here are some of the ways that chronic inflammation shows up for me. It’s not just in the joints now that chronic inflammation is in play.

  1. Brain fog
  2. Cravings
  3. Food sensitivities
  4. Swollen lymph nodes
  5. Balance problems
  6. Always tired
  7. Rashes and skin issues
  8. Muscle weakness
  9. Dry eyes
  10. Body pain

Filipendulous- hanging on by a thread.

Unexpected Adventures in Anxiety: A Panic Attack Saga

Living with excess cortisol is not pretty. There was a time when I had stress overflowing out my ears and nose. I did not have a clue what to do about it. So it just kept getting worse. I lived every day on the edge of a panic attack. The smallest thing would send me over the edge.

We were living on a farm and my son was taking driver’s ed. It was during covid so time and schedules had no meaning. But the driver instructor was trying to finish up the drives where and how he could. Twice I scheduled with him and totally forgot. I had one last chance and then the boy would have to take his driver training all over again. Later that week I was on the rototiller in the garden. My son brought me my cell phone. He said it was the driver instructor. I had done it again! I had forgotten. Panic is not a strong enough word for what ensued.

We were a 15 minute drive away from where the boy needed to be. They would wait but not a minute longer. I got off the tractor and started screaming for my son to get out the door. For my husband to get in the car and take him. The seconds were excruciating. Nobody else seemed to realize the gravity of the situation and everything was moving in slow motion. As they left in the car I fell to the kitchen floor in a sweaty, dizzy, panting, messy puddle. That. Is. Not. Me.

How do I train my body to use its fight or flight response for its intended purpose? In an emergency. Not when missing an appointment, or calling to make a medical appointment, for that matter?

Boost Your Lymphatic System

Supporting the lymphatic system is always a good idea. Especially in times of stress and unease. So you don’t end up in the same messy puddle I did. Here are some of the things I do to get my lymphatic fluid moving again.

  1. dry brushing- really easy to incorporate into your pre-shower routine, with a bath brush or washcloth that is a little rough (if it gets wet and hangs to dry, that is the texture you want) brush towards the heart where it can be cleared (refer to pin following this list)
  2. small bounces and digging your heels into a rebounder
  3. hot/cold showers switching can trigger a “pins and needles sensation”, hot when you get in, cold for a while then back to hot
  4. lay on the floor and put your legs up straight against a wall
  5. deep breathing- guided meditation can help to focus
  6. exercise- about 20 min into my workout I start to cough phlegm, this is disgusting but a release of lymphatic fluid nonetheless
  7. infrared sauna- sweating and the healing warmth of the red light
  8. hydration! hydration! hydration!
  9. eliminating toxins from my home and diet where I am able
  10. castor packs, especially liver and lung

Forest Therapy: Nature’s Energy Source!

I kid you not, one of the best ways to clear those toxic feelings is to get some FOREST THERAPY! It is an energy giver. Here are some other energy givers:

  1. music (especially songs that makes you want to get up and dance)
  2. quality sleep (when you can)
  3. meditation
  4. proper nutrition
  5. doing something you love
  6. positive social interactions
  7. time in nature!
  8. sunshine!
  9. fresh air!
  10. movement!!!

Use any of these energy givers in a way that works best for you. Meditation and forest therapy are becoming more mainstream. Although they can sometimes still be classified as nonsense or new age. Meditation can be as simple as a prayer. Or a quiet space to picture something soothing. Try this one:

Breathe in deeply. Picture the oxygen giving life and energy to all the main organs. It enters all your cells. traveling through all your limbs, hands and feet. Like a river from its source travels to all the tributaries. Breathe out and picture the landscape of your inner body. Being nourished by the ebb and flow of your breath

Finding Your Spark: A Hopeful Message for Life’s Struggles

I have friends going through different but equally stressful life events. To them and all those suffering, I hope you’re okay. I know you’re not truly okay. But I hope that the sadness and stress don’t overwhelm you. That you can see cracks of light in the dark. That the shadows will allow you to break and heal and grow. But not swallow you. And that you know you’re not alone. Especially in the moments when you feel like you are. When I get through my darkness and find the light, I’ll leave it on for you.

There’s a new endorsement for emotions. Even the ones typically known to be “bad” are being ratified. Here’s how I am learning this concept.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Sadness can be deep and feels like it can swallow you. Can you find joy in your sadness? Is there any portion that can be joyful in the grief? I am still sad about having to close my piano teaching business. Time has passed. I can start to find the joy. I loved my students. I experience joy in seeing them grow and accomplish things on their social media. The sadness mixed with the joy can now be bittersweet.

Uncertainty is a difficult place to survive. It comes part and parcel with chronic pain. What will tomorrow bring? Will I have the strength? How long? Can you find a place of peace to put that uncertainty? My peace comes in the practice of my religion. There is still uncertainty. But mixed with my stretching and reaching for peace, I find myself in a place of resilience.

I experience periods of mild anxiety now that I medicate. Previously my anxiety was off the charts. When I would play piano in a local festival it was not fun. The anxiety made even winning and accepting awards intimidating. Now that it is under control I can assess the situation more clearly. I try to find an element of excitement. If something is scary, where is the excitement? Writing a blog is pretty scary. Sharing it with people is even scarier. But it is exciting to see who reads and enjoys it. When I consider the excitement with the anxiety, I find anticipation.

Between anger and compassion is assertiveness. Between confusion and clarity is realization. Between love and loss is grief.

Negative emotions are warnings to pay attention to how we are feeling. When we join a negative emotion with a positive one, the gripping pressure of stress can be loosened. The negative emotion may be caused by life and its circumstances. The positive emotion is consciously chosen to accommodate the negative emotion in your body. To curb the negative effects of the first. It’s not an exact science. Let me know if this is something that resonates with you by adding an emoji in the comments.

You don’t always have to try so hard to live each day to the fullest. Each day is full on its own. All you have to do is notice.

-Emma Rose Tait

The Self-Care Revolution: An Answer for Everyone!

Do you ever find yourself feeling bad and you aren’t quite sure why? Here is a list of questions to help clear it away and not have it build up. Like brushing away the lymphatic fluid.

  • how is my sleep?
  • am I getting proper nutrition?
  • have I indulged too much in social media?
  • are the people around me affecting me?
  • where is my energy going?
  • what is my mind craving?
  • what is my heart wishing for?
  • is something weighing on my mind?
  • how is my self talk?

If all of these strategies and ideas are not your cup of tea. Do not fret. There is a solution for you too.

High cortisol levels triggered by stress and life events can undoubtedly take a toll on our bodies. And yet, it’s essential to remember that we have the power to heal and nurture ourselves. My experience with a panic attack served as a wake-up call. Over time I learned of the importance of self-care and how the lymphatic system, when supported, can aid in recovery. Nature, through forest therapy, has been my source of energy and renewal. It reminds me that healing often starts by reconnecting with the world around us. As we navigate life’s challenges, asking ourselves the right questions can be a powerful tool in self-soothing and finding peace. So, the next time you feel overwhelmed. Pause. Take a breath. And ask yourself: “How can I support my body, mind, and spirit today?”

March has the quiet strength to wake up Nature without rushing it. And you too can grow without pushing it.

-OurMindfulLife.com

Confronting the Lizard: Battling Depression

pammunkholm

…Winter will be forced to relent once again, to the new beginnings of soft greens, longer light, and the sweet air of spring.

-Madeleine M Kunin

I realize I just talked about depression in my most recent post. This is the direction of my life. So this is the direction of the post today. I cannot make my brain focus on any other subject.

Do you ever feel like you work really hard and things never get better? The harder you try, the worse things get? Is this known as the vegetable of our labour? (I’ll show myself out 😳)

A Fun Dive into the World of Depression

I don’t have much left in me today. I’m sliding from situational depression into full blown depression.

There doesn’t seem to be any reason to try anymore. No matter what I do things get worse. (All or nothing thinking)

Who do I think I am to be writing a blog that maybe 3 people enjoy? (Imposter syndrome)

I want to turn off my light and slide under the covers and just stay there. Until things get better. (Avoidance)

I see the depression hijacking my mind. I know what I need to do. I’ve been here before.

Unleashing the Fight: Your Guide to the Point

But making that first decision to turn and keep fighting is a battle chronic comrades will understand.

Why keep fighting? What is the point?

Courage is knowing it might hurt, and doing it anyway. Stupidity is the same. And that’s why life is hard.

-Jeremy Goldberg

Chronic pain/ illness/ fatigue, always hurt. Choosing courage to participate in life despite the pain is part of our daily lives. Where does it cross the line into stupidity? Where are my efforts wasted? Depression is part of chronic illness. It will always be there. Why fight?

A Different Take on “The Great Divorce”

C.S. Lewis wrote a book called The Great Divorce. It’s not as famous as his other ones like Chronicles of Narnia, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it today. As I work to find a reason to keep fighting this time.

I like this part of The Great Divorce.

I think it’s towards the end of the book, where there’s a man who doesn’t live a good life. He ends up going to hell and (hold onto your hat) he doesn’t like it there!

From what I understand on the subject I wouldn’t want to live there either.

He says it’s black and white, there’s not a lot of color. Everybody’s pretty ornery and there’s lots of long lines.

Wouldn’t that make you think, I’ll do whatever I need to do to stay outta there! I can handle burning and fire, but long lines and ornery people and no color. Oof!

The man learns you can take a tour of heaven. So he gets on the bus and wants to go see heaven. Well, he gets there and he loves it. There’s no long lines. Everybody’s pretty happy and everything’s in color.

And he thinks, ‘I wish I would have lived a better life. I could stay in heaven. This is where I want to be.’

The bus driver, he says, “Hey, get back on the bus.” I don’t know if he’s from Brooklyn, but in my mind, he has a Brooklyn accent.

He’s saying, “Back on the bus, fella.”

The man doesn’t want to go but he starts walking over to the bus. An angel stops him and tells him, “You don’t have to get back on the bus.”

And the man says, “I do. I was just visiting today.”

And the angel says, “Do you like it here?”

And the man says, “Of course, I like it here. I love it here.”

And the angel says, “You can stay.”

The man cannot believe what he is hearing. The angel promises, “You can stay if you want to.”

He says, “I want to.”

And the angel says, “Okay, good. I’m so glad you want to stay. You can be here. But that,” and he points at his shoulder, and it’s this big, red, ugly lizard. (I can see why the book wasn’t super popular.) And it’s sitting on his shoulder. And the angel says, “You can stay, but that cannot.”

You find out later that this represents this man’s sins. This is where I want to take my own spin on this. I apologize for stepping away from Lewis’ intended interpretation. Which is much better than mine.

But today I feel that I have this ugly red lizard on my shoulder. Today that lizard is looming depression. In this, my own interpretation I do not want anyone to think I am saying depression is a sin. It is not. To me, the Savior weeps with and for those struggling with depression.

I’ll carry on the story, I believe it still has deep implications in my different interpretation.

So the man can go to heaven. But his sins (or in my separate interpretation, his depression,) can’t go with him. I have a choice to live in my depression or to choose the atmosphere represented here by heaven.

That’s why this is called The Great Divorce. He had to choose to divorce from his sins. So he could stay in heaven.

Are you able to divorce from your depressive thoughts and tendencies when things go from bad to worse? Do you seek to live in a heavenly atmosphere?

When I am depressed I feel myself losing the ability to see colour. I become more ornery. Everything I do seems like a long line. When I come out from under its grip, I see colour and joy and an easing of pressure.

Back to our story, this red lizard does not want to let go.

The man says to the lizard (it can talk). He says to the lizard, “I need you to leave me because I want to stay here.”

And the lizard says something like, “I’m not leaving you. Do you know how long I’ve been with you? Do you know how many good times we’ve had together? I am not leaving you.” And it starts to grip him with some claws. And he says, “Ow, ow, ow, don’t, don’t.”

When you confront your depression. Does it seem to dig its claws in deeper? Do things get worse?

In the story, there’s an angel and he sees the man in pain and asks, “Can I help you?”

And he’s like, “Well, I don’t want you to kill it. Let me figure it out on my own.”

So the man says to the lizard, “Listen, I really need you to go.”

And the lizard says, “Nope, I’m not going anywhere.

And the angel takes a step forward. “I can help you.”

There are earthly (and I believe, also heavenly) beings reaching out to you. To comfort and support you. Are there times you don’t want to reach back? Because it makes it feel worse. So much worse!

So when the angel takes a step forward, that lizard digs in and he says, “Don’t let him touch me. He can kill me. Don’t let him touch me.”

The man says to the angel, “Don’t come near me. This hurts, when you are close to me.”

When people who love me best and most reach out to comfort me I recoil. Why is that?

Fighting depression and its effects hurts. It can feel like a lizard digging its claws in. Side note: I know of that which I speak. I’ve had a cat hang off of me with just its claws digging in to my chest. I have the scar to prove it. It is painful and makes it hard to focus on anything when something is clawing at you. All focus goes to the pain.

So the lizard has his claws digging in. Pretty soon, the bus driver starts saying, “Hey pal, you got to get on the bus.”

And he says, “Hold on a minute.”

And the angel is there going, “I can help you.”

And he says, “Hold on.”

And the lizard’s talking to him. “Don’t let him touch me.”

“Hey, pal, get on the bus.”

“I can help you. Let me help you. Don’t you want to stay?”

“I want to stay, but don’t get close.”

“Hey, buddy, you’re getting on the bus, right?”

Do you know this confusion? Where everything is fighting for your attention? And thoughts seem to take on a life of their own?

This man has got to make a decision. And he finally looks at the angel, and he says, “Can you do it? Can you really kill it?”

And he says, “Yes, it will hurt more than anything you’ve ever felt in your entire life.”

And the man says, “Oh no.” (This is all a loose paraphrasing, the book is much better.)

But he doesn’t want to go back to hell. He wants to stay in heaven. And the desire to stay in heaven is now worth the pain.

What will it take for you to decide staying in the atmosphere of heaven is worth it? With colour and nice people and no line ups. Is it worth the pain to reach an atmosphere of love and peace? Is it time to allow others to help?

So the man drops to his knees, and he says, “Do it, kill it.”

And the angel comes over, and the lizard freaks out. And it’s just shredding the man’s shoulder. He’s screaming in pain,

Pause.

This might be where you are today. But it is not the end of your story.

at any given moment you have the power to say: this is not how the story is going to end.

-Emily Dickinson

Unpause.

The angel gets to the lizard and grabs it, and it dies, and he throws it. And it’s far away, and the man looks over, and his shoulder is fine.

The man’s shoulder is healed. He’s trying to grasp what happened, and he looks up, and the angel is the Lord. It’s the Savior. And he says, “Now you can stay.”

And they embrace, and it’s a great story. And then his sins turn into a stallion, and come back, and he rides it into heaven. I don’t quite understand that part. But I love the story of, it’s worth it. It’s worth the pain.

If this is your story. Healing is available. It is worth the fight. It is worth the hope. Healing is not the same as cure. Healing is sometimes lifelong. But in the healing there is a happy life.

I want to re- emphasize that depression is not a sin. My interpretation is that the red lizard represents depression instead of sin.

The Grumpy Red Lizard: My Scaly Shoulder-Mate

I have an angry red lizard on my shoulder today. Its claws dig into the tender spots of my heart. ‘I should be working.’ ‘What do I know?’ ‘Who do I think I am?’ ‘I have nothing to offer the world.’

I am writing with my burnt hand about the nature of fire.

-Ingeborg Bachmann

As I reach out to others their support makes me feel worse. Even if they do everything right. That bad feeling wants to stay. Its grip is deadly.

But there is help. I believe in Jesus Christ. He is my Helper. Who is yours?

Sliding into Serenity: My Forest Therapy Flop

I got out on the icy trails today. It was awful. I literally had to hang off of someone’s fence while my feet did a Riverdance trying to find any footing.

I need to get some forest therapy to loosen the grip of that lizard. To get rid of that angry beast. So my heart and soul can feel peace. The forest does not have to be an actual forest. Any spot of nature will do. The more secluded (but safe), the better. It is not just a walk. It is taking nature in through all your senses as you follow the invitations of the guide. I need that. Do you? How is your brain today?

My brain is spiraling today. I saw this line somewhere: I’m going into a spiral, anybody need anything?

But this is not the end of my story.

I see the choice before me. I choose not to dwell. I choose to turn the tides from depression to joy. It feels impossible but I know it is available. I am not battling uncontrolled chemical imbalances. So Joy is an option. Today and Everyday. My Helper is near.

Backward steps are part of the journey. Pain is part of the healing. Rain is in the storm. But it is not the storm. I live my life in pain. But I am not my pain. I will strive to dance in the rain to this new rhythm I’m choosing. A rhythm of joy that only faintly echoes of pain and despair.

Choose joy with me. Despite the pain. Despite the tears. Despite the loss. We can still choose joy. Peace to you, my chronic comrades.

FOREST THERAPY HELPS!

Dear March, Come in-
How glad I am-
I hoped for you before-
Put down your Hat-
You must have walked-
How out of breath you are.
-Emily Dickinson

Understanding Depression in Chronic Illness: Signs and Strategies

pammunkholm

I walked a mile with Pleasure
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me.

-Robert Browning Hamilton

Have you found learning in your greatest sorrows? Chronic pain has changed the landscape of my life. Through the sadness and heartache. It has been my own school. A specific training.

Searching for Joy in the Gloomy Neighborhood

As humans, we all experience seasons of grief and depression. There are times in this life that those emotions are the correct and measured response. Chronic everything has led me to more than one season of grief. But I don’t want to live in the neighborhood of depression. It is appropriate and healthy to visit grief and sadness at times. However, I believe that to live in the community of peace and joy will give me the greatest satisfaction.

Today I will explore the relationship between chronic illness and depression. I will share what I have noticed, and what has helped me.

I want to take a moment to send a shoutout to all those that have subscribed to the blog. And a big thank you for all the loving feedback. If you know someone that suffers with chronic illness, chronic pain, &/or chronic fatigue. Take a minute to share either my landing page: sunbeamacres.ca or any specific post. There are so many people that are hurting and have tried it all. They have lost hope. I was there. I don’t want anyone to suffer the way I did for a moment longer than is necessary. Offer them a sunbeam of hope.

Do you know the signs of depression? Would you recognize it in yourself or others?

Disclaimer: I am not a trained counselor or psychologist. This post is meant to be used as suggestions from a friend. A friend who has been there. If you have medical issues, talk to your doctor. If you have mental health concerns, talk to your therapist. If you are looking to break the cycle of unmanaged pain and fatigue, that’s where I can help.

What You Need To Know

Here is a my list of things to watch for in regards to depression. This is not meant to diagnose. Just to raise a red flag for you to talk to your doctor.

  1. Brain fog- this is tricky because brain fog is a side effect of our illness, our medications, our inability to sleep, but if you notice an increase in brain fog, take note (literally, write it down or you will forget)
  2. Messy- there may be a lack of care for appearance and living space, again some people are just messy, this is more mess than usual, and not caring about it
  3. Feeling worse around others- you know the people in your life that lift you up, if you feel dull and dragged down around your tribe, that indicates something is off
  4. Your own thoughts drag you down- have you heard of ANTs (automatic negative thoughts) these are powerful and constant, pay attention to the ANTs, the way you talk to yourself internally
  5. Hobbies are not energizing- we all need creative and physical outlets, those activities that normally bring you joy suddenly seem like a chore
  6. Acting more irritable and trying to drag others down with you when going into a depression spiral
  7. Wanting to be at home, alone, all the time- some of us are home bodies, but having a desire get out and socialize is part of our beings, we get to choose the tribe and the activity, I don’t think we can choose to not need anyone
  8. Constant fatigue- again, tricky with meds and side effects and flares, but for no other reason, you are more fatigued than usual
  9. View of the world is negative- we all have to navigate this world we live in, it can be tricky, but when all we can see is the dark side of everything, something is up
  10. Losing dreams and goals- lack of mental energy to plan ahead, all you can see is a dreary future

Do you see yourself or someone you love in this list? How about in this image? 👇🏼 When we ignore the signs of depression, it will start to manifest in physical symptoms.

The Wacky World of Chronic Illness Factors

Do you have triggers that initiate your depression? It’s good to know your triggers. And yet, in my experience, anything can trigger depression in chronic illness. Cold weather. Holidays. Waking up. Going to bed. Getting together with friends. Not getting together with friends. There are so many layers of emotion.

are u ok? im literally a forest fire and i am the fire and i am the forest and i am the witnesses watching it

@fringeffect

I used to daydream of a time when I would have no more pain. My life would realign with the trajectory I’d planned for it. But waiting and waiting for something that is never coming led me to despair. With each setback I slipped farther and farther.

Maybe you are like me. When all these emotions hit me, I pushed through. Thinking there were no other options. And (no surprise), the next stop for me was burnout.

Burnout is sneaky because you don’t realize you’re borrowing from tomorrow to push through today.

Emily Leahy

Brain Power Showdown: Healthy Minds vs. Chronic Pain

I have seen images of healthy brains and the brain of someone with chronic pain. My limited understanding (also not a neurologist) is that a brain can be damaged over time. In someone with chronic illness. There is constant activity in centers that should normally be at rest. Information starts to be processed differently. This could explain why over time we develop symptoms such as anxiety, depression, sleep disorders, and difficulty making decisions. The toll our brains take on a daily basis when dealing with pain is no joke.

When I am in crisis mode mentally. My brain is not to be trusted. It is overwhelmed and overworked. Our brains are designed to protect us. But left to their own devices, they do a terrible job. We have to manage them. Especially when they are also dealing with chronic illness. But don’t worry. You are still inside there.

Don’t think the garden loses its ecstasy in winter. It’s quiet, but the roots are down there riotous.

-Rumi

Brain Games: Boosting Your Mental Superpowers

I am learning to manage my brain and my emotions when depressive thoughts come up. Part of that work is affirmations. I can find the words to let go of what is not useful or regain balance with what is useful. For example:

Over generalization thought: “I failed at this so I am a failure at everything.” Counteracting affirmation: “A bad day does not equal a bad life”

Minimizing thought: “Sure I’ve done hard things. But other people are better.” Counteracting affirmation: “My chronic illness does not define me. I can still do hard things.”

Apathetic thought: “I will never get better, why do I even try to manage it?” Counteracting affirmation: “I am worthy of healing.” (healing is different than cure)

Catastrophizing thought: “This is awful and it will never get better.” Counteracting affirmation: “There are good days ahead.”

Isolation thought: “I don’t belong with my loved ones anymore.” Counteracting affirmation: “Not all my thoughts are true, depression lies to me.”

Perceived burdensome thought: “I make their lives harder because I am this way.” Counteracting affirmation: “I am not a burden on those around me, I only think I am.”

Comparison thought: “What is wrong with me? Why do I need so much more sleep?” Counteracting affirmation: “Rest is important and my body deserves it.”

Give Your Negative Thoughts a Run for Their Money: Six Questions to Ask

When an affirmation isn’t enough to chase those negative thoughts away. Here are 6 questions to ask yourself:

  1. Is this thought true? Can it be proven in a court of law? e.g. Thought: I am too much for people. True? Not necessarily. Maybe for some people. Or in some situations. It is an opinion. It is not a fact.
  2. Is there evidence to prove it? Thought: I can’t handle the pain. Evidence? It sure feels like it some days. But the evidence would suggest that you have been and will continue to handle the pain.
  3. What is a more helpful thought? Make sure it is a true thought that you offer yourself. e.g. Maybe I am too much for some people now that I have a chronic illness. And maybe that’s okay. Maybe I like being my true self more than catering to the needs of other people.
  4. Is there another way to look at it? Going back to the second example, the thought that I can’t handle the pain. What do I need to survive this flare? Who are my people and what are my supports in place? Start to see the way out.
  5. Am I jumping to negative conclusions? Maybe I was never too much for anyone in the first place. The amount of negative energy we spend on anxiety over something that never has and never will happen, is ginormous.
  6. What would I say to a dear friend in the same situation? I would speak gently and lovingly to a friend in pain. I would not expect more than she was able to give. I would honor her needs. Can we learn to do that for ourselves?

Healing: A Hike, Not a Sprint!

Instead of absorbing all of the thoughts that your brain produces. Try observing as though you were on the outside looking in.

I do not want to give the impression that if you follow this simple list. Poof! Your depression will be gone. The journey out of depression takes time. It takes mending.

Mending is a story on a sleeve. Mending is resiliency. Mending cheers the heart and soothes the mind. Mending is clever, ancient and wise. Mending is hope. And mending is healing.

How are you healing? I find chronic pain is best survived by surrounding myself with people who understand and commend my quiet, everyday courage. The bravery shown by just getting up some mornings. To a body that does not behave. And a life that is more stressful than most.

Something else ancient and wise that soothes a body and soul. FOREST THERAPY!

Connect with Nature Through Forest Therapy!

We often forget that we are nature. Nature is not something separate from us. So when we say that we have lost our connection to nature, we have lost our connection to ourselves.

-Andy Goldsworthy

I feel this in the winter months. I lose a connection to myself. And to the healing that is available through the earth. I miss having time in nature. 

The mountains are in my bones. 
The rivers my veins.
The forests are my thoughts,
And the stars are my dreams.
The ocean is my heart,
Its pounding is my pulse.
The sounds of the earth write
The music of my soul. 

-Wild Woman Sisterhood

I love nature. I love its music and rhythms and breath. I love its beauty and majesty. It has been my greatest earthly physician.

Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influence of the earth.

-Henry David Thoreau

Wrapping It All Up with a Bow!

Chronic everything is heavy. Visit the land of grief and sadness but do not get trapped in the neighborhood of depression. Recognize the signs in yourself or your loved ones. We have a lot of triggers. Including a different life than the one we had planned. I did not plan to spend my 40s living like the grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But some days. 🤷🏼‍♀ h️ere we are. Be aware of burnout. Chronic pain actually changes the way our brains look and work. Do not discount your struggle. Practice managing your brain by countering negative thoughts with positive truths. Challenge sticky negative thoughts with the six questions. Mending and healing happen best around those who understand the struggle. Forest therapy helps!

Watch my social media to stay up to date on my forest therapy schedule. TBD once the trails are clear.

I’ve Got a Question for You: Enriched with a Gaelic Blessing

You get to decide who you will be. I choose to be the girl on the right. I choose to be a success story. For anyone that wants to join me in this. Here’s my advice: Wear your best clothes! Light your best candles. Get excited about your health and wellness goals. Don’t save them for a future version of you. You are worthy of good things. Now! In whatever form that may be. Get going on your best life. It will look a little different than you had planned, but you are trusted to carry this burden. If you look around, you will see people you are teaching as you go through your suffering. It is not without purpose.

To help you find the strength to keep digging, I leave you with this Gaelic blessing:

Deep peace of the running wave to you
Deep peace of the flowing air to you
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you
Deep peace of the shining stars to you
Deep peace of the gentle night to you
Moon and stars
pour their healing light on you...
Deep peace to you.

(doesn't that make you want to go into the forest?!?)

Coping with Chronic Pain: When to Break the Silence

pammunkholm

Winter sunlight is a warm old soul, spreading love in the bitter cold.

-Angie Weiland- Crosby

Exulansis

Have you ever heard of the emotion, exulansis? It is the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience. Because people are unable to relate to it.

Can my chronic comrades relate?

I have lived in that space. Until I started this blog. It is a way to talk about my journey. It was lonely to keep it all in. It felt like I was the only one. But I keep hearing of people who are reading the blog and have had similar experiences. We are not alone.

Have you subscribed to the blog yet? Go to the bottom of the page. Hit subscribe. Just fill in your name and email. And you’ll get a weekly email with a link to the newest post. Please share with anyone who would benefit. From the discussion here. Or from a walk in the forest. And watch my social media. (Instagram, Facebook, and X). For upcoming forest therapy walk dates and times as the weather warms up.

Masking the Pain

I try to hide the pain. In social settings I smile and visit and try to be present. When I see photo evidence I recognize I am not as sneaky as I think I am. Why do we do this? Why do we hide chronic pain?

I have some thoughts. But I’d love to hear yours. Comment why you think we hide the pain in chronic illness? Here’s my non- comprehensive list of why I think we hide the pain:

  1. With invisible illness there is a fear of not being heard or taken seriously
  2. Some people choose to be private about what they are going through
  3. When people know, they treat you different
  4. Previous negative experiences when sharing
  5. It is almost impossible to put it all into words and the emotion is close to the surface
  6. Social pressure to be normal- to make others comfortable
  7. Shame and guilt- in all its forms
  8. Avoiding the feeling of being a burden, needing pity or sympathy
  9. Fear of judgment- have you met people? They’re awful!
  10. Denial of the illness and its effects- ‘I can do this on my own’ type of attitude

☝🏼 Can you see yourself in this list? What would you add? ☝🏼

The Health- Privileged

Those privileged enough to know only health do not understand. How could they?These are the ones that will ask if you are better. They are watching only for improvements and progression to a cure. It does not occur to them that your chronic illness does not come with such commodities.

While this can be frustrating. I find it helpful to have a sound bite ready to go for such cases. Instead of staring blankly while your mind searches frantically for where to start. Not everyone needs the whole story. Just a few sentences. ‘My illness is chronic. I have better days and worse days. And for now that is as good as it gets.’

This method is not foolproof. ☹

We can honor our own progress in a way superior to what someone on the outside can provide. From past experience we know how this goes. It might be hard today, easier tomorrow and hard again the next day. I choose to meet myself where I am. Regardless of improvements and progression in the standard way. And that is my route to healing.

The health- privileged will not understand. But as a group of chronic comrades we can provide that understanding for one another. It is said, Health is a crown and only the sick can see it.

Chronic Comrades

I THINK IT'S BRAVE
by Lana Rafaela

i think it's brave that you get up
in the morning even if your soul is very weary
and your bones ache for a rest

i think it's brave that you keep on
living even if you don't know how to 
anymore

i think it's brave that you push
away the waves rolling in everyday
and you decide to fight

i know there are days when you 
feel like giving up but i think it's brave 
that you never do

I am thankful for the few on the outside that want to understand and help. Here are some helpful tips for those of us that live with and love those with chronic illness. Here are some things that seem small but are actually big to those that are suffering:

  1. checking in on us makes us feel loved- even if we can’t hangout, the connection is significant
  2. being heard- having someone hear us and trust our ability to handle it, not take over and offer unsolicited advice
  3. when I say I need to rest and someone rests with me- I don’t need to be motivated, I need to be supported
  4. comfy clothes- they are the only way for my arms to get through a day
  5. going at my pace- whether walking or making a plan, I appreciate being able to move at my own pace
  6. when someone asks how I am and I answer with the standard ‘Fine’ they ask, but how are you really? I feel seen.
  7. meeting people going through something similar- another reason for this blog

You Should Know

It’s important to know that people with chronic illness will have stomach issues, dizziness, nausea, headaches, joint pain, muscle pain, fatigue, and more everyday. These are all essentially invisible. Especially for those who have learned to cope. My grandma knew how to cope. I hope I can emulate her example. Remember you never know who is in pain just by looking.

Coping vs Shutting Down

Is this is the main reason to hide the pain? Is it a coping mechanism? We cannot moan in pain all day long. Learning to listen to your body and ignore the pain is a skill. What are the right coping mechanisms in chronic illness?

Dr Gabor Mate said, When you shut down emotion, you’re also affecting your immune system, your nervous system. So the repression of emotion, which is a survival strategy then becomes a source of physiological illness later on.

Is this also true in a way for shutting down pain centers? What is the difference between coping and shutting down? To me, coping is a way through the pain. Through the darkness to the other side. Shutting down is staying stuck in the discomfort with no plans to get out. This is where I found despair. When we grin and bear it instead of answering the call for what our bodies need, what does it cost? Does it take a bad situation and make it worse?

Maybe you have had a similar experience to mine this week. A new symptom appeared. Instantly, I have so many questions. Is this a symptom I will have as my new baseline? Is it just a flare? How will this affect everything else? Can I handle this?

I’m sick not ugly, thank you very much!

Hiding Below the Surface

We often fill our day until it is overflowing. I believe that this is true especially for women with chronic illness. Then everyone wonders why this Mom is such a mess. At least that’s what happens at my house. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Like a water balloon that can only handle so much weight before it tears. Ask yourself, what was in that balloon that it could not handle one more drop of water? What is already happening under the surface that is filling your balloon to bursting over an insignificant event? Here are some possibilities:

Emotional dysregulation. We all have emotions. Do you know how to handle the negative ones? If not, they can sit and fester like a wound. Chronic illness comes with its share of negative emotions. Constantly filling our cup up to and over the brim if we don’t learn how to process them. In a healthy way.

Lack of understanding, empathy and compassion. We all crave being understood and cared for. In chronic illness there is an added bonus of feeling misunderstood in the medical world. Finding that understanding somewhere is vital and replenishing.

Mental exhaustion. It is not just physical fatigue we deal with. Trying to figure out what to make for supper when the mental exhaustion has set in is awful. Like trying to thread a chicken through the eye of a needle. Mental exhaustion is not something that can be ignored. It is in your face.

Self deprecating thoughts about how you should be able to do more. No matter what we do as moms and women, we want to do more. Exponentially so in chronic illness. We think we should be able to do what we used to do. We wish we could be ourselves again. We think we should have the ability to push through. Just like the rest of the general population.

I was sick yesterday. Having a minor cold or infection is a big deal in chronic illness. It causes a flare in my other symptoms. My body aches were quite enough before this bug. The fatigue that comes and stays with any upset in the baseline is debilitating. What little time or energy I had is sapped out of me. And recovery is not quick. It is a long and slow process.

Add to the list: anxiety, frustration trying to find the words to communicate, sensory issues, and hormones.

Once overstimulation hits, I know I have already passed the point of no return. Overstimulation is not being able to focus. Everything feels overwhelming. I can’t remember or process anything. Everything is irritating.

From Overstimulation to Emotionally Regulated

Then what? What can you do to move through this situation and come out with minimal effect? How do we cope and not shut down?

Please congratulate me on my new position. It is the fetal position. I will be in it for a while.

-@kristen_arnett

The first step is to remember that you are not selfish if you need to remove yourself from the overstimulating situation. You are allowed to care for yourself. You are allowed to opt out of overwhelming environments. Getting adequate rest is not an indulgence but a necessity. Crying is one way the body regulates itself. Go ahead and cry. It is not weak. Forgive yourself for any reactions. You have limits and that is okay. Learn to listen to them. Honor them.

Unlocking Your Full Potential

You are meant to thrive. Not just survive. My veins are filled with stories of survival. Surviving looks like flight, shutdown, protection, fighting, impulsivity, mistrust, rigidity, critical of others, anxious, anger, defensive, collapsing, freezing, fear, submitting, shame, despair.

While thriving includes regulation, connection, resilience, prosperity, goodness, passion, love, contentment, expansion, well being, ease, play, rest, repair, joy, trust, growth, stillness, presence, and health in all its forms.

Shout out to all those making their life with chronic illness a life of thriving. You don’t let anyone see your darkest moments. Nobody knows the effort. I know how hard it is to transform yourself. Silently battling and winning. Be proud of every little step you are making. Keep going! You’ve got this!

I find it easier to thrive when I am with the right people. They are the ones that help me to feel sunshine when I am around them.

Forest Therapy has been my way of coping. It is healthy and beneficial in so many ways. This is not a hike, this is deliberate invitations that lead to learning and healing. Join me in the forest when the ice has melted. We can get on the trails in and around Saskatoon for some much needed forest therapy. My body does not winter well. I am anxiously awaiting. Spring! Dates and times TBD. Watch my social media to see when and where. If you have any questions reach out to me.

Tell me, when was the last time you ran through a field just to feel the freedom of creating your own wind.

-Author Unknown

Explaining and Embracing Life with Hyper Mobility Issues in My Tissues

pammunkholm

And a softness came from the starlight and filled me to the bone.

-W B Yeats

I yearn for this type of softness. Nature provides the way. Even if nature and I are not currently on the best of terms.

Gluggaveour (Icelandic)- (n.) “window- weather”; a weather that looks so nice and picturesque through the window, until you’re actually outside in it; a weather best enjoyed only behind the window. (If that doesn’t describe Saskatoon these days, I don’t know what does)

I. Am. Cold. My body does not like to be cold for several reasons. One of them being my hyper mobility issues. My bones are on a subluxation mission this week. Making my muscles work overtime to hold me together. When I go outside and my muscles tighten up in response to the cold, there isn’t much left to tighten. It feels like I am full of rubber bands that will snap at any time. Today I will be sharing more information on hyper mobility issues. And what to do about it, here on the 124th of February and when spring arrives!

Is there nothing to sing about today? Then borrow a song from tomorrow; sing of what is yet to be. Is this world dreary? Then think of the next.

-Charles H Spurgeon

Forest Therapy Helps

First take a moment to think of one person you could share this blog with. Someone with chronic issues. When we tell our stories, we don’t feel as alone. It is a chance to lift others. If you know someone who will benefit from the camaraderie. Take a moment to hit the share button and send this post or my landing page (sunbeamacres.ca) to them. Make sure you are subscribed. To keep up on all things forest therapy in the spring. Find me on instagram, facebook and X! Tell the others.

Reality vs TV Dramas

My chronic comrades, am I the only one who sees the irony of medical dramas? Maybe there are such hospitals. And maybe there are such doctors. But I have not run across the ones who pause their lives for hours. I’m confident they don’t sit in their office thinking only of me. They don’t throw a ball in a repetitive manner while trying to solve the complex issue of my body. They haven’t run all the tests and stopped at nothing to provide me with answers. Until suddenly, they have the answer (after their hour of regularly scheduled programming obviously). I have not experienced this. Have you?

More like, “After minimal deliberation, we’re pretty sure you are faking it.” First of all, how dare you, sir.

Chronic

Recently I was asked what the doctors are going to do. Because it seems like I am not getting better. I didn’t have the words in the moment. But chronic is chronic. And not every condition has a name. And they definitely don’t all have solutions.

If someone is unable to find solutions to their chronic condition, it is surely not for lack of trying. Hope in chronic illness does not mean hoping for answers. Or miraculous recovery. Or even hope of regaining a certain level of functioning. Those are out of our hands. Even if we are doing all the “right” things. Hope with chronic illness involves trusting your ability to manage whatever your condition throws at you. You will be capable of handling it. And your life can still be full of joy. It is worth living!

Hyper mobility/ Ehlers- Danlos Syndrome

If you missed my last post about my hyper mobility syndrome, I have an undiagnosed connective tissue disorder. Akin to Ehlers- Danlos Syndrome (EDS). I share many of the same symptoms.

This is a fitting description of my symptoms. Resulting in chronic pain.

Having hyper mobility, Ehlers- Danlos ish Syndrome is like if you ordered your structural collagen from Wish. Skin from Shein. Organs from Temu. It looks like it should function. Just not quite up to par.

Describing Chronic Pain

Chronic pain is part and parcel of what I have. If I were to describe that pain. It’s like leg day at the gym was yesterday. Everyday. All the time. Forever. And it’s not just my legs. I have that pain everywhere. Some other people describe what it’s like to live with hyper mobility/ EDS.

It feels like I’m 80. But I’m only 40. – Kimberly A Bates

It feels like having the flu. All the time. -Linnie Lin

I’m slowly disintegrating into particles. – Sarah- Marie Zeraphic- McFarlane

I feel like a marionette and someone else is in charge of the way I move. – Nicole Hess

It’s like riding a bicycle with very loose bolts. – Melissa Drennan

EDS is living the day after a car accident in perpetuity. – Sabrina Winchester

You cannot trust your body to do what it is supposed to. – Emma Stathopoulos

The hair on my skin hurts. – Mary Carlson

I feel like I am falling apart at the seams. – Lisa Sinnott

EDS is feeling insane for years because people tell you there is nothing physically wrong with you, when you know there is. – Sarah Elizabeth Erwin Bloom

The cruelest symptom of our disease is disbelief by medical personnel. – Mary Carlson

It’s like falling down the up escalator indefinitely while bystanders speculate about how you got there, what your injuries might be, and if you really even look hurt. – Jess Elsen

Hormone Changes

One negative aspect of my hyper mobility is the hormone changes that come with being female. Progesterone is known to increase subluxations. Especially leading up to the week of menstruation. Joints loosen and pain tightens muscles. A tragic combination.

During pregnancy there are other hormones present that loosen joints further. Creating a need for the muscles to work overtime. Then add to that the trauma of pregnancy. And giving birth. Looking back I can see why my body gave up on me in my 30s. My 20s were super hard on it. How many of you could say the same?

I miscarrried a baby in 2013. While the loss broke parts of me, the physical strain would have been too much at that time. We had 16 weeks together and I would have gone all the way if it had been up to me. But it wasn’t. I was blessed to have all 3 of my boys in my early 20s. When my body was up to the challenge.

I wanted that one more baby so, so bad. For so, so long. The loss was devastating. Following a short time, I was advised to get a hysterectomy. To solve a large part of the hormone cycle- subluxation cycle- pain cycle. It was all getting to be too hard on me. The idea of letting go of my little caboose to fill out our family, was heartbreaking. I still miss that precious one. But the physical damage was increasing in severity. Spreading to my nerves. So I made the heartbreaking decision to have a hysterectomy. That’s all I’m ready to share on the matter at this time.

We are often told if something doesn’t kill you it will only make you stronger. I agree. But some days I don’t want to be any stronger.

The Chronic Cycle

There are other parts of hyper mobility that can be draining. For me, it is a never ending cycle of going to physiotherapy and having everything put back in place. I leave feeling so much better. One wrong move. Or too much exercise. Or sleeping the wrong way. Or a slip on the ice. Then it’s waiting for physio. Get put back in place. Everything feels good. One wrong move. And we begin again. This cycle is painful in so many ways.

The pain of this is so real to me.

I am very flexible. But in hyper mobility that is a bad thing. It has been said only the cognitive and emotional flexibility we develop is truly a good thing. Through having to navigate a medical system that doesn’t understand and therefore is unable to help us manage our condition.

Brain Fog

Let’s talk about how our thoughts feel as though they are swimming in molasses. Or swirling in a cloud of cotton candy. Like the Lord poured in my brains with a teaspoon and somebody jostled His arm (Apple Dumpling Gang). When the brain is not braining. The struggle is so real.

Or teaching a lesson to a bunch of ladies at church. I often fake it until I remember or change the subject. How many of my friends can tell?😳😊

Brain fog affects more of us than just those with chronic illness. Between stress and medication and toxins. Many of us are suffering some level of brain fog. I forget what I am doing every time I get distracted. I forget what I am saying every time another thought comes along. I forget where I am driving on a regular basis. I cannot access parts of my brain that used to work. I used to be an avid speller. I got people’s names right. I remembered long passwords made up of random letters and numbers. I kept my family on track and on time. Those parts of my brain have fled or have taken refuge somewhere. I d0 not have access to them.

Brain fog is not just forgetfulness, confusion or feeling out of it. I often feel isolated from my reality. And parts of my personality. I feel detached. Like an outside observer. There are days when the effects of my brain fog are debilitating. And extremely frustrating. Until I can let that go. Which is sometimes easy. Wait! What was I talking about?

These symptoms are minimal to those that have not experienced them. I’ve been asked how my symptoms interfere with my daily activities. **Blank stare**. My symptoms ARE my daily activities. My life is planned around them. And I often half function in a hurried state when trying to get something accomplished. I see the amount of stuff to be done. And the number of spoons. The math doesn’t math. I feel similar to what a sloth must feel being chased by a cheetah. There was never a chance.

Hard Pills to Swallow

In addition, there are pills that come with hyper mobility, other than the actual pills. That are hard to take. These are the pills I find hard to swallow that come with any chronic condition:

  1. Giving up a career- I loved teaching piano. It was so hard to say good bye to my students. Packing up my piano supplies has been even harder. After five years I have started to pick away. But the grief surfaces and I set it aside again.
  2. Losing or changing relationships- I have amazing friends. Some that have lasted for years and changing lives. Other people have slipped away. They took more energy than I had or the other person couldn’t handle a different me. Chronic illness has changed me. The process has eroded me to my most essential parts. That means the way some relationships look is different now. Not the way I would have planned.
  3. Accepting the term chronic- It has taken time to come to terms with the fact that this condition is chronic. There is no cure. There is a lot I can do to manage it. But it will always be a part of me. I will always have pain. And then the pill of others not understanding. If they are not familiar with chronic, they might have a hard time accepting the limits of the medical world.
  4. Accepting physical limitations- I like to be strong. I used to do the P90X workouts. I had muscles I previously did not know existed. Now I need to bring my husband with me to pick up a chair. I need to sit often. My brain does not function as it should. I need reminders for everything. And then there are still times where something important falls through the cracks. And I need to acknowledge and accept. Then work within my capacity.
  5. Great desires to do what I used to do- I am so happy I can run. For years I just wanted to run again. And now I can! There are other movements or actions I am working towards. But I need to curb my expectations. Some days I get on the treadmill and I am so fast! Like a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a truck. Seven days ago.

Are there pills you find hard to swallow with chronic illness?

Puddle of Exhaustion

Which brings me to my next point. All of this is mentally and physically exhausting. The hyper mobility and resulting pain is tiring. The cycle of subluxations is tiring. Brain fog is tiring. We are just tired. I always feel like I’m about four days past my bedtime.

So many moments of my day, I wish there was a rope available to hang over. I have no more strength to hold my upper body and those muscles greatly desire to let go. So if you see me looking like the people in the picture, rope or no, now you know why. I’m just hung over. (I haven’t been pickled in decades)

One More

Proprioception. I have none. And from that point it gets worse as I get more tired. Actually, I can tell where I am in a space. But navigating within that space gets less easy as I get more tired. When I have subluxations, I am essentially crooked. So unless I am paying attention I walk crooked. I run into walls. I walk into people. I take a step and end up on the exact thing I was trying to avoid.

There is so much more to EDS and hyper mobility.

This post is getting too long and there is more about my EDS/ hyper mobility. So I will revisit this condition in the future. I hope this information is useful and that you can relate to parts, if not the whole condition. We all have parts that need healing.

Before we go I want to share some ways to handle any chronic issues.

Number one on the list as always is:

FOREST THERAPY!

Join me in the spring to see what forest therapy looks like. It is not just walking around in the forest. It is mindful and focused work. And then you will see the healing begin. I still struggle and suffer at times. But the forest brings me back to life. Back to joy.

If you have any questions feel free to email me on my How To Get in Touch page. I’d love to hear from you. Remember to subscribe and share with anyone you think could use a little forest therapy.

Once There Was a Snowman

Until that time. To help us navigate these terribly cold and icy days. Take some advice from this cute little snowman.

  1. Be a jolly, happy soul
  2. Spend time outdoors (unless it is even too cold for the snowmen)
  3. Stay COOL
  4. It’s okay to be bottom heavy
  5. Stay in the environment and energy that will help you avoid meltdowns
  6. Be well rounded
  7. Make others happy
  8. Remember life is short

You are strong, chronic comrade. You are not alone and you can do this. And if you feel broken…

Oh but the irony is, broken people are not fragile.

-Clinton Sammy Jr