When the Future Feels Too Heavy

Inside me, the Protector, the Wounded Child, the Survivor, and the Healer all dance in a quiet circle. Each one longs to be seen, to be heard, to be held. And when I finally stop to witness them, their chaos becomes a rhythm… and their rhythm becomes my healing. 
-recoverytrauma.ltd

I heard something recently that has been rolling around in my head. It was a conversation about worry versus wisdom.

The idea was that worry keeps us stuck, while wisdom keeps us moving.

One of the concepts was this, sometimes we feel stuck because we want two things that can’t exist at the same time.

  • I want to be healthy, but I don’t want to change anything.
  • I want to feel better, but I don’t want to slow down.
  • I want to have more energy, but I don’t want to give anything up.
  • I want my nervous system to settle, but I keep filling every available minute.

And with chronic pain, there can be a whole extra layer of this.

  • I want to do the things I used to do, but my body can’t always do them.
  • I want to feel better, but I can’t control whether I have a good pain day or a terrible one.
  • I want answers, but sometimes there are no tidy solutions.

So I worry. I think. I analyze. I replay. I predict. (I’m actually a delight. But you wouldn’t know it because I’m so tired and irritated all the time.)

I consider every possible scenario until my brain has apparently opened approximately 47 tabs, and none of them are helpful.

And somewhere in all of that thinking, I can become very, very stuck.

But then I look at my grandkids.

They might know something I have forgotten.

They don’t spend nearly as much time worrying about what happened yesterday or what might happen tomorrow.

They deal with right now.

If they’re hungry, they eat.

If they’re tired, they lie down.

If they see a bug, suddenly that bug is the most fascinating creature on Earth.

If someone says something funny, they laugh.

If they fall down, they may cry. And then, remarkably, five minutes later they’re deeply invested in something completely unrelated.

They don’t seem to spend a lot of time thinking:

I really shouldn’t have fallen down yesterday.

Or:

What if I fall down again tomorrow?

They are busy being where their feet are. Kids have a PhD in being where their feet are. (Wise little beings.)

Not because the past doesn’t matter. Not because the future doesn’t matter.

But because this moment is the only one I can actually do anything with.

And I think that is part of the difference between worry and wisdom.

Worry keeps asking:

What if?

Wisdom asks:

What now?

What if I stopped trying to solve tomorrow?

One of the things I love about forest therapy is that nature gives me a place to practice being present.

Not by sitting perfectly still and trying to empty my mind.

My brain 🧠- Director of Unnecessary Mental Load 🪪

Instead, I can go outside and let my attention wander.

I call this a sensory wander.

Rather than walking with a destination in mind, I slow down and follow whatever catches my attention.

Maybe it’s the shape of a leaf.

The sound of something moving in the grass.

The smell of wet earth.

A tree with strange bark.

The way sunlight hits one little patch of moss.

A bird I can’t identify.

A spider web I would have walked right past.

I don’t have to figure anything out.

I don’t have to make the experience meaningful.

I don’t have to turn it into a lesson.

I just notice.

What has my attention right now?

Then I follow that.

And when something else catches my attention, I follow that instead.

It’s quite simple.

I don’t have to live three days ago. I don’t have to live three weeks from now.

I can live right here.

With the trees.

With whatever happens to be in front of me.

Wisdom doesn’t mean having it all figured out

I don’t think the podcast was suggesting that wisdom means knowing exactly what to do.

Sometimes we don’t know.

Especially with chronic pain.

There is a lot of trial and error.

What helped yesterday might not help today.

Something that works beautifully for one person might make another person’s body stage a small coup.

There isn’t always a clear answer.

But wisdom doesn’t necessarily require a complete plan.

It can be much smaller.

One thing I know I can do is this.

  • I can drink some water 💦
  • I can rest before I completely crash. 😴
  • I can step outside 👣
  • I can notice what my body is telling me 👂
  • I can take a short walk instead of deciding I need to complete a 5km hike or not bother going at all 🚶‍♀️
  • I can spend ten minutes among the trees 🌲 🌲
  • I can stop arguing with the reality of today long enough to actually experience today 🧘‍♀️

That last one is hard.

Because sometimes I want today to be different. But wanting it to be different doesn’t change what it is.

And accepting what is happening right now doesn’t mean I like it. It means I stop spending all my energy fighting a moment I can’t change.

Maybe that’s where wisdom starts. Not with a solution. With noticing.

Maybe the kids have it partly right

My grandkids aren’t worried about whether they’re making enough progress in life.

They aren’t measuring the day by how productive they were.

They aren’t wondering whether they should have made a different choice three years ago. (One of them wasn’t even here three years ago.)

They aren’t lying awake thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong tomorrow.

They are here. Reading a book. Talking to a wooden cutout.

And maybe I don’t need to become a child again to learn from them.

I can become child-like without becoming childish. And remember something children seem to know naturally:

Pay attention to what’s happening right now.

“Christopher Robin, what day is it?”
“Today”
“My favourite day”

There will be time for tomorrow when tomorrow gets here.

There will be things to learn from yesterday when yesterday needs to teach me something.

But right now?

There is a tree.

There is wind moving through the leaves.

There is a bird making an extremely confident noise.

There is this breath.

There is this moment.

And for today, maybe wisdom is simply noticing that I’m here.

Then taking the next small step. We are all walking miracles. Let us strut accordingly.

Valemor

(n.) The quiet pride of knowing you survived something without becoming cruel, loud, or bitter. 🙌

The ideas about worry, wisdom and being stuck were inspired by the podcast Better Than Happy: “Don’t Worry” Is Terrible Advice, August 27, 2026

What Does My Soul Need Today?

I have a confession.

I hear the word retreat and my brain starts packing a bag.

Preferably for somewhere with trees, a mountain, a few trails and nobody asking me what’s for dinner.

A retreat sounds lovely.

It also sounds like something that requires time, money, planning, a reservation, and quite possibly a whole new wardrobe.

But what if retreat doesn’t have to be a big event?

What if it can be ten minutes? A half hour? Or an afternoon?

What if you don’t have to go anywhere?

I’ve been reading Caroline Sylge’s How to Retreat, and I love the idea that retreat can be much more accessible than we tend to make it. A retreat can be a deliberate step away from the noise of ordinary life, and it can look very different depending on what you need.

Which got me thinking about a question I probably need to ask myself more often:

What does my soul need today?

Not what does my calendar say? Not what am I behind on? Not what would make me feel impressively productive?

What does my soul need today?

And sometimes the answer is surprisingly simple.

Āloka

Sanskrit and Pali. Meaning light, brightness, vision or enlightenment. When something inside you finally becomes clear.

Yesterday, apparently, my soul needed to get rained on.

I woke up thinking I should go to the gym.

That meant walking there, working out, and walking home again.

Then I looked outside. It was cloudy and raining.

My immediate response was something along the lines of, Excellent. Perhaps I shall simply allow these blankets to absorb me.

But eventually I got myself moving. Rain gear on. Out the door.

Only a few minutes from home, I noticed something. I was enjoying the rain. I could feel it on my hands. I could hear it hitting my hood. The air smelled different. The whole world seemed quieter.

By the time I reached the gym, I was more than ready to move.

I hadn’t needed to convince myself. I just needed to get outside long enough for my nervous system to catch up with the plan.

Sometimes we don’t need a retreat just a walk in the rain on the way to the gym. And sometimes we need the gym.

That’s the tricky thing about asking what your soul needs.

The answer isn’t always rest.

Sometimes it is movement. Adventure. Solitude. People. A nap. Fresh air.

The micro-retreat

I think this is where the idea of a micro-retreat joins well with the idea of forest therapy.

We have somehow managed to turn rest into another achievement.

Apparently we need the perfect location, the perfect playlist, the perfect journal, the perfect candle and three uninterrupted hours to properly relax.

I would like to formally announce this is unnecessary protocol.

Your retreat can be tiny. You could put a plant on your desk. Turn on a little water feature. Put your phone somewhere you can’t see it.

Sit there for ten minutes. Listen. Look. Breathe.

That’s it!

You have not travelled anywhere. Your bank balance remains unchanged. No achieved enlightenment. But you stepped outside the usual stream of demands.

That counts.

And tomorrow, your retreat might look completely different.

Maybe you need to sit in a cozy chair and read. Or wander for thirty minutes through a park while the leaves are turning. Perhaps you have enough energy for a three-hour mindful walk through the forest. Or just enough energy to sit on a bench and watch water move.

All valid needs.

Forest therapy makes room for all of this

One of the things I love about forest therapy is that there isn’t a mileage requirement.

Nobody hands you a medal at the end because you managed to walk seven kilometres while being mindful.

You don’t have to conquer the forest. You don’t even have to walk very far.

The forest isn’t a treadmill with better scenery. It’s an invitation to slow down and notice.

And the beautiful thing is that you can scale that invitation to whatever your life (and your body) can manage.

Nature can be a forest. It can also be a tree outside your door. A houseplant. A garden. Rain on your hood. The sound of a creek. Ten minutes watching birds. A patch of grass.

There is some pretty fascinating neuroscience behind this.

We don’t have to make nature complicated. Sometimes we just need to stop long enough to realize it is there.

Your brain might thank you

Our brains spend a tremendous amount of time directing attention, filtering distractions, making decisions and responding to demands.

Nature seems to give that hard-working attention system a bit of a vacation.

Researchers call one part of this soft fascination.

Instead of forcing yourself to concentrate on something, your attention gets gently captured by things like moving leaves, clouds, birds, water or sunlight.

You aren’t doing nothing. Your brain just isn’t working quite so hard at doing everything.

A 2025 systematic review and meta-analysis found that nature exposure was, on average, more cognitively restorative than non-nature exposure, particularly for working memory and attentional control. Interestingly, around 30 minutes appeared to be a particularly useful window in the studies they examined.

And a 2026 review looking across 108 neuroimaging studies found evidence of changes in brain networks involved in stress, attention and self-referential processing following exposure to natural environments.

Now, before we all start dumping our meds out the window, putting a houseplant beside our bed and declaring ourselves neurologically healed, a little caution is appropriate.

This is promising research, though not a magic prescription.

Studies differ in their methods, environments and participants, and researchers are still figuring out exactly what kinds of nature experiences work best, for whom, and for how long.

But the evidence is increasingly pointing in an interesting direction:

Getting away from the constant demands on our attention may actually give our brains some room to recover.

And I will happily take more reasons to go sit in the sun.

What if creativity is the point?

Unused creativity is not benign. It metastasizes. It turns into grief, rage, judgment, sorrow, shame.

-Brene Brown

This is another part of Sylge’s thinking that really caught my attention.

Creativity can be part of the retreat.

But it can also be what comes out of the retreat.

Sometimes you retreat because you need to write.

Other times you finally get quiet enough for the idea you’ve been carrying around in your head to come knocking.

Maybe you take photographs or write or sketch or paint.

Maybe you start noticing colours, shapes, textures and tiny details you normally walk straight past.

You don’t have to be an artist. You don’t have to produce anything profound.

Take a picture of a leaf because you like the way it looks. Write three sentences. Draw a tree that looks like a potato. It’s okay! The potato tree has value.

The point isn’t necessarily to create something impressive.

The creative act may simply be another way of paying attention.

And sometimes, when we stop trying so hard, something unexpectedly creative finds its way through.

My Micro-Retreat Menu

So, if you are wondering what retreat might look like today, here are a few possibilities.

🌱 5 minutes: Find one living thing. Look at it properly. Notice something you’ve never noticed before.

💧 10 minutes: Sit beside water. Real water is excellent. Tiny tabletop water feature? Also acceptable.

📖 20 minutes: Make yourself a cozy space and read. No multitasking. No “I’ll just check one thing.”

🍂 30 minutes: Take a slow seasonal wander. Notice what has changed.

📷 45 minutes: Take your camera and photograph whatever catches your attention. No theme required.

🎨 60 minutes: Write, draw, photograph, paint, collage, doodle. Follow your curiosity.

🌲 2–3 hours: Go into the forest. Walk slowly. Sit down. Listen. Notice. Journal. Rest. Let the experience unfold instead of trying to accomplish it.

And then there is:

🛋️ The “my body has voted” retreat: Stay home. Make tea. Read. Listen to rain. Look out the window. Rest without turning it into a failure.

Because sometimes the most mindful thing you can do is listen when your body says no.

Aging is when your brain says, “We ride at dawn.” And your body says, “We absolutely do not.

Retreat so you have something to give

There is another aspect of this that I think gets overlooked.

We don’t retreat only so we can feel better. Sometimes we retreat so we can return. Because when we’re depleted, we don’t have much left to offer anyone.

Our patience gets shorter. Our creativity dries up. Everything feels like one more demand.

And sometimes we need to step away. Not because we don’t love people, but because we do.

I’ve written about this before in A Grid of Love and Light, because I believe our light is meant to reach beyond ourselves.

But we can’t shine indefinitely on an empty tank. Sometimes we need to step back and replenish. Not so we can become more productive. So that we can return with a little more presence.

A little more patience. Creativity. Light.

So ask the question

Before you automatically do what you always do, stop for a moment.

Put down the phone. Look out the window. Take a breath. And ask yourself:

What does my soul need today?

Maybe it needs a forest. Or rain. Perhaps a workout. Or a book. Maybe it needs creativity. Or a friend. Maybe solitude. Or ten quiet minutes beside a plant.

Maybe it needs to crawl back under the covers and put out a Do Not Disturb sign for the world.

The answer doesn’t have to be the same tomorrow.

That’s the beauty of it.

A retreat doesn’t have to be a place. It can be a response.

A response to what your body needs. What your mind needs. What your soul needs.

And perhaps the goal isn’t to retreat far enough away that we become someone else. Perhaps it is simply to step out of the noise long enough to remember who we already are.

You don’t have to escape your entire life. You can simply step out of it for a little while.

Early Spring Musings: Reflections and Ruminations

Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.

— Joyce Meyer

March in Saskatchewan is a master of disguise🥸. And every year I am hoodwinked! *shakes fist*

The sun shows up brilliant and convincing. Like it’s finally time! 🙌 🌱 

You start to believe it…🙏 😃 until the wind pelts you in the face and reminds you this is far from over 🌬️🥶😢.  

Honestly it feels like false advertising.

And somehow, that’s not even the hardest part.

Every time I open social media my algorithm pulls an ultimate betrayal of trust and I end up watching everyone else step into spring. Bare ankles, running shoes, patios, fresh air that doesn’t hurt to breathe. I gotta say, I’m a little jealous. 😡 

Meanwhile, we’re still in boots and three layers. Bracing against the bitter cold.

It creates this quiet kind of rage.

Not just for warmer weather…

but for things to finally feel easier. Movement. Outdoor gear. Shivering. It all exacerbates the physical restrictions I am already battling. 

⸻

Chasing the Unquenchable Longing 🏃‍♂️

Lately, I’ve realized that same feeling exists in my body too.

The desire to wake up and just go.

To follow through on plans. 

To make goals and have a say over the outcome. 

To move through the day without pain.

To go nap- free after an event and still pass as human. 

To feel like I’ve rejoined the human race.

But I don’t make the rules. And my body isn’t in a state to join in any races. 

Not against the clock.

Or expectations.

Or the version of life I thought I’d be living right now.

It’s asking for something completely different. My broad assessment is that every body is asking for something different than this “human racing.”

Calm.

Quiet.

Attention.

Harmony.

Tranquility.

Stillness.

If you’ve just tuned in. This is me in my slow- stroll era. A far cry from my past 100mph- blur era.

Nowadays is more comparable to a long drawn out forest walk.

⸻

A Shift in the Sands of Seasons

The other day, the sun was spilling in. The kind that makes you think, 🎵 Oh, what a beautiful morning.

So I put on a jean jacket and vest and went outside determined to feel the sun on my skin. 

But within moments, the cold wind cut through my pathetic outer wear, and my body pushed back. Pain hit. Energy disappeared. Cramping like I’ve just run a marathon and forgot to stretch ensued. Then that familiar irritation right under the surface.

I thought,

What’s the hold up?

Yet instead of pushing harder, I tried something different.

I slowed down. I found another way. I went inside.

I sat by the window to feel the warmth of the sun (if not its actual rays). 

Instead of resisting what was happening.

And the irritation softened.

⸻

What Early Spring Knows

The seed grows in the dark.

– Joyce Meyer

Early spring doesn’t rush.

It doesn’t bloom all at once.

Some things are not ready. And that’s alright.

They will begin… quietly. In their own time. So much of what is happening to prepare for spring is beyond what we can see. 

There’s a line by Samuel Taylor Coleridge, 

The spring comes slowly up this way.

Maybe healing does too.

⸻

A Forest Therapy Practice

From Yearning to Hope (anywhere outside)

If you’re feeling that same pull toward more, toward better, toward not this. Try this on your next walk.

1. Pause

Stand still for a moment. Feel the air as it actually is. Not how you wish it felt.

2. Acknowledge the longing

What are you wishing for right now? Energy? Relief? Name it.

3. Walk slowly

Let your pace match your body.

4. Notice one small sign of change you can sense. A sign of becoming. 

Melting snow. A drip of water. A patch of earth. A shift in light.

Let that be sufficient for today. (Even if part of you is still hoping for a dramatic, movie-worthy breakthrough.)

5. Receive this thought

I will allow what is ready.

Only what’s ready is happening. Allowing creates opening in me.

⸻

A Truth I Hold Dear

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin wrote:

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

Slow doesn’t mean nothing is happening.

It just means it’s happening differently than we expected.

I am reminded of this scripture:

1 To every thing there is a season⁠, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2 A time to be born, and a time to die⁠; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh⁠; a time to mourn⁠, and a time to dance;

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to get⁠, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 A time to rend⁠, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence⁠, and a time to speak 

Ecclesiastes 3:1-7 KJV

There is a “proper time.” 

🎶 Turn, Turn, Turn 🎶 

Even if March doesn’t feel like it yet.

Even if your body doesn’t feel like it yet.

⸻

Embracing the Slow Transition to Spring

March will keep teasing us. 

The sun will keep shining.

The wind will keep reminding us it’s still winter.

And spring will come anyway.

Slowly.

Right on time.

Maybe healing works like that too.

There is beauty (and warmth) ahead.

That which is to give light must endure burning.

– Viktor E. Frankl